By the time he gives Jongdae the letter, youāre already on the plane. But Jongdae, the blessing that he is, sends it express to the address youād given him in Norway. Manon made sure to address the envelope so you would know it was from him, and that way you could decide whether or not you wanted to read what was inside. The letter arrives on only your third day there, the writing slightly shaky (his hands were bandaged, but heād done his best).
Dear Hayden,
Iām sorry. I canāt find any other words right now. I know Iāve hurt you deeply. Iām disgusted with myself. I know that I scared you the other day. I scared myself, too, to realize I was the one to make you look so terrified. I never want to make you look that way again. You didnāt deserve any of what I said to you. I was soā¦I was so much more in denial than I realized. And by neglecting myself Iāve hurt you.
We would tell each other how we missed each other during the day. Itās only now that I really know what missing you feels like. I am terribly afraid that Iāve ruined whatās between us with this. Please donāt take that as me having little faith in us, only my fear that Iām more destructive than I want to admit.
I want to get better. I feel so ashamed that it took this to make me really want to change. But I do. I need to tell you that you and Jongdae are the best things to ever happen to me. You make me happier than I thought would ever be possible again. You quieted the voices around me and slowed my frantic thoughts. I felt like a person I hardly remembered with you. And I only wanted to hold onto that. I thought if I could just leave behind the way I was when I met you, if I could just focus on the happiness you gave me, I could also leave behind my anxiety. I realize now how wrong I was.
Itās also unfair to you. Itās unfair to burden you with my happiness. I canāt pin the responsibility for my emotions on you, or stake all my wellbeing on being with you and Jongdae constantly. This doesnāt mean I canāt rely on you, only that itās harmful to you for me to cling to you so desperately just because itās easier to let you make me happy than to learn how to be happy on my own. I want to get better for you and for Jongdae, but I know I need to want it for myself before that because otherwise Iāll end up right back here again. Iām trying to figure out how to do that. And I know you may not ever want to be with me again, or that you may never see me the same way, but I want to be a better person, the kind of person who deserves to be by your side. Whether that is as a friend or something more we can talk about at a point far in the future, if thatās what you would like.
I donāt want you to worry, but in order to accomplish this Iāve gone to the hospital. Dae helped me check myself into the psychiatric ward at Asan last night. I feel like Iām only burdening you with my own feelings again, but Iām scared. Iām so scared. Thereās diagnoses and talk of medication and restricted free time and monitored phone calls. In fact, just to even write this with a pen I have to have someone watching me. The beds here are so cold, but I think my own would be the same way without you in it with me. But I think I need to be here. My therapist is going to try to find a private facility for me to transfer to, though. She thinks Iāll do better in that kind of environment. If you want, Dae will have all the information on whatās happening.
I have all of these things I want to express to you, my chest feels full of them, but I canāt find the words that fit. You mean more to me than there are languages to describe it to you. I only hope that you can forgive me, for what Iāve done to you and what Iāve done to myself. I hope that one day I really will be the man you think I am.
Ton Ours (Your Bear),
Manonā
The letter arrives to his grandfatherās home first, and the next day itās passed on to where his mother is now residing, and where he was now currently staying. She quietly passes him the envelope over lunch and he stares at it for a long time, swallowing the lump in his throat before he quietly tells her he needs to be alone for a little while.Ā She lets him be with a quiet smile and a card of her fingers through his hair (a habit they both apparently shared), and she cleans up as he wanders out into the sitting room to deposite himself on the couch with a shaky sigh.Ā
Carefully slipping out the paper, he has to calm himself down enough beofre he can unfold the paper and begin to read, his heart in his throat; and as he does heās overwhelmed by various emotions, all tightening and squeezing in his chest. Longing, sorrow, happiness, worry, guilt, admiration, and affection..
Heās worried about Manon being sent to the hospital, and he wishes so badly he could be there with him to help him get through it. But a part of him also agrees with Manon that this is something he has to figure out for himself as well. Heās eternally thankful that Jongdae is there to look after him like heād said, and he honestly wouldnāt be able to properly thank his brother for years to come.Ā
However, he wants to see Manon. Heās so overwhelmed with how much he suddenly wants to see him, but he hears his motherās soft humming from the kitchen as she cleans and he knows he canāt leave yet. Itād only been a few days since theyād reunited. He has so much more more to talk about with her.. to do with her. He has to tell her about Jongdae, about how heās grown up. He has to tell her about every little thing heās been through.. he wants her to know everything.Ā
So he canāt leave yet. He has to stay, he knows that.Ā
He holds back a soft sob and quickly swallows the stubborn lump in his throat, leaning forward in his seat and pressing the pads of his fingers to his eyelids to stop any tears from squeezing out. He lets out a shaky breath and then thereās a soft knock on the door.
āGutten min?ā She says softly, and Hayden looks up, offering a small smile.
āOmma..ā he croaks, and she steps over and settles beside him, rubbing a small hand across his shoulders.
āShall we go for a walk later? Hm?ā She says, eyeing his letter but choosing not to say anything for now.Ā āWe can talk a bit more, if youād like?ā
āMn, yeah..ā He nods, then leans to rest his head on her shoulder.Ā āThank you..ā
She smiles, and presses her lips to his hair.Ā āJeg elsker deg..ā
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