爱我，好吗？

So, it’s been a while. Like, a long while. I kind of debated whether I should post here or not, seeing that I wasn’t active until That Day. But I decided I needed to this, because a part of me is forever tied to this website. TW: 12/18/2017

2018 was tough for the obvious reason. I had to continue living without someone who had irreplaceable became a part of me. I didn’t really cry, it was more that felt a numb pain. Instead I saw my anguish in other ways. I would scratch myself in my sleep to the point where I would wake up bleeding. I would begin crying at minor inconveniences that wouldn’t have bothered me before. I would withhold information from my boyfriend in case he would worry. Still, I got better and I learned to adapt and one I look back 2018 wasn’t in fact terrible, but really really good.

I celebrated two years with my boyfriend and I saw him a lot more often than I had in the previous year, strengthening our relationship. I made a lot of friends, definitely more than my previous years in colleges, and finally found people I would consider close to. I found a job on campus and I even did an internship. I went to China and discovered that I can actually get by with my Mandarin. I discovered new music and got into more girl groups.

Still the lingering pain remained. When Poet|Artist was released, there was a time that was all I could listen to. Then, something changed and I could not listen to his solo songs anymore. This continued until the end of 2018. I also hestitated to listen SHINee’s releases for this year. I eventually did, but I couldn’t bring myself to buy any merch because I couldn’t accept seeing them as 4.

The catalyst I believe for this year was just a month ago. I was juggling 20 units and working while trying to keep a social life. I found out I got a C- on my midterm for one of my “easy classes.” I have never dont that badly on a midterm since sophomore year. I cried. I cried really hard. I felt like a failure. Then I blamed Jonghyun. I blamed him for not being there as my support and making me deal with everything on my own. I cried because he was the person I would always lean on, but now, whenever I listened to his music, I would get sad. I think that was the time I truly confronted my feelings about him.

The quarter turned out to pretty great despite the setback. I got a B+ in that class and got A’s in my other 4, with two being A pluses. Obviously, I don’t honestly blame Jonghyun for his decision , but I was just so angry. So here is my resolution for 2019.

2019 I am gonna work on me and learn how to use Jonghyun’s support in a different way. I hope to eventually be able to comfortably listen to his music again and fully support the other SHINee members.

I want to continue to grow with SHINee as they will always be a part of me.