H22

In other news, as my header says, I still very much enjoy seeking out and looking at "art, dolls, women, and love" so find me creeping on ya local tumblr and thanks for tuning in.

I haven't been on here in quite some time. Tbh I have been swept down the drain and into an at least 2 year long downward spiral. My being able to go back to school left me with a 2.5 sec long feeling of accomplishment before I slammed head first into the brick wall that is my ptsd and depression. I gained and lost access to medication, attempted to self medicate and find at least some semblance of self worth in that but nothing worked. Nothing ever works. I've tried self help and self love and hell I even tried on self confidence for a spell but drinking from a glass that never had anything in it doesn't really help either. So here I am dragging myself through some pseduo reality where I am making choices that could have a really intense impact on my entire future... but then again I never really look to the future for anything other than the feeling of "hey, maybe tomorrow I won't feel so much like worthless shit" and so here I am. I have no idea who I am and what I'm doing just, you know, riding in the passenger seat of this burning vehicle. I really don't know what to do about these episodes of depression. They're the same feelings that I smiled in the face of and chanted "never again" to after treatment. It all feels like a really bad movie. I am always coasting, coasting, coasting, never really content with myself, or anything I do for that matter. And when I think about everything in this context I just feel that much more tired. Tired. I'm so tired. I am moving to another state and trying to live a life with someone. I trust this person. I love this person. I try to tell them everything. I wouldn't want to hurt this person. They wouldn't understand all of me, though. They wouldn't understand the part of me that doesn't, hasn't ever, felt like a woman. They wouldn't understand the ingrained self hatred that comes with being abused on the hush hush on top of being black and, for whatever reason, presenting as a feminine woman despite not feeling like one since childhood. They wouldn't understand how so much self hatred could come from a single entity. They wouldn't understand the attempt after attempt after attempt. I don't even understand it. I want to try, but then again I don't want anything for myself. I mean could they understand if I just sat down and layed it out for them like I am here? Would it frighten them? I don't know. I just know that I am coasting day by day until something sticks. I find myself living a self induced underwhelming life. Yet I do not feel sorry for myself. I don't think I ever have. Maybe this is just the way life is for some. I am rambling at this point.