Stop Slut-Shaming!

I was wearing this outfit today to a grocery store when I made a baby smile. I was wearing this outfit today when I threw my head back and laughed, when I sang in the car with my family, when I filled it with yummy food to keep it healthy.

I was wearing this outfit today to a grocery store when I overheard a woman telling her young daughter who was pointing and laughing that I would get what’s coming to me. I was wearing this outfit today when a woman told a man that it was the wrong kind of attention and that I was asking for someone to get me. I was wearing this outfit today when the same man stared at my body longingly and then agreed with the woman that I was asking for an attack.

I was not wearing this outfit when I was raped. I was wearing a size XXL hoodie and a pair of my mom’s sweatpants, much to the shock of the friend I told after, who asked what she’d been taught to ask: “What were you wearing?”. I feel so terrible for the little girl whose mother was teaching her at the grocery store that she deserved to be assaulted if she dressed comfortably for the weather, which was climbing above 80 degrees, or for an injury, which called for a brace and a boot that doesn’t allow room for long pants, or for her body, because it’s hers and she can put on it what she damn well pleases. I feel terrible for the man who will look me up and down as though I was a 5 for $20 steak deal he might purchase and will immediately after speak to a presumable stranger about the violent fate I deserved. I feel terrible for the woman with fabulous hair who feels she can express herself but refuses to let me do the same.

Summer is coming up. It’s hot outside. I have an injured ankle, and a tight boot and brace to wear on one leg. I will not dress uncomfortably to protect complete strangers who are so offended by an expanse of skin that they console themselves by predicting my next rape.

Stop perpetuating slut-shaming and thus perpetuating a culture of excused rape. Stop perpetuating slut-shaming and thus perpetuating a culture of insecurity, inherent shame, and body image distortion which can cause an innumerable amount of incredibly dark issues nearly impossible to overcome.

My body is mine, and I love it. It is the house I live in, with which I will someday create a family, with which I run and dance and hold the strong lungs I use to sing. I refuse to be ashamed of it for any reason, especially the reason being that this culture which glorifies sex and punishes those who have it, which encourages being sexy and then preaches that sexy girls ask for attack, has taught its people that my stomach is a sin.

I’ve tried and tried, but nothing seems to sum up the power and impact of Project Unbreakable as well as a wordless visit to their site. It’s not an easy read - if you’re likely to be triggered by descriptions of sexual assault or rape, I would advise you to exercise real caution on visiting it.

The site features photographs of victims of assault, each of whom holds a sign with a quote from their attacker. It’s a high impact smack of reality that brings home the reality of sexual assault - an important thing, considering the debate often gets highly conceptual, statistical and hypothetical. It’s also a wonderful source of hope and strength, as victims of assault get on with their lives without fear.

I spoke to Kaelyn Siversky, the executive director of the project, about rape culture, victim blaming and how to deal with the aftermath of sexual assault.

How did Project Unbreakable come about?

Grace Brown, a 19-year-old photographer, created Project Unbreakable in October 2011. One night a friend told Grace her story of sexual assault and Grace, who was already surrounded by survivors of sexual assault, grew increasing troubled at its prevalence and wanted to do something to show the number of people affected by sexual assault. The next morning, she woke up with the idea for Project Unbreakable. Originally Grace wanted the project to be an awareness project, a way to break any stereotypes about survivors, who the are and what they look like, but shortly after beginning the project she was met with the incredible way to heal people.

How do you cope with the sometimes deeply traumatic experiences people share with you?

I have always been a huge advocate for self care. After my own assault and dealing with the experiences shared with me I know that little acts of self care can go a long way. I make sure that if stories ever become too hard for me to listen to I take a day off and focus on myself. I exercise a lot; I run, practice yoga and eat as cleanly as possible. I make sure that my personal time is filled with things I really enjoy doing, I read as often as possible and when things do get overwhelming I write in a journal. Talk therapy is also a huge resource for me as well as making sure I have a really good support system with friends and family back home.

Do you feel that the dominant dialogue in the Western world is to place blame with the victim of an attack rather than the aggressor?

I do believe that our culture is deeply saturated in a victim blaming mentality. I think it is like that in most places- not just the “western world”. I personally believe that this is because we view rape and sexual violence to be such a hideous crime that our culture doesn’t want to believe people are capable of committing these acts without being “tempted”.

How would you educate those who do subscribe to the “they asked for it” mentality?

I would mostly try and explain that no one wants sexual assault to become his or her reality. It’s joining a club no one wants to be a member of. I always try to explain that rape and sexual assault is not about sexual gratification, it’s about power. Saying a survivor “asked for it” is a very classic way of rationalizing a sexual assault. Rape is caused by a rapist, never by the survivor.

How do you feel about rape since you’ve become involved with Project Unbreakable? Are you more or less optimistic about ending rape culture?

Since becoming involved with Project Unbreakable I truly feel as though we have an incredible opportunity to educate our society about sexual assault and its effects. The easiest way to combat rape culture is giving survivors a safe place to tell their story without any fear of not being believed and I think that is what we do. The greatest gift you give a sexual assault survivor is your time and ability to listen. By believing them and allowing them to confide in you, you are taking the first step in ending rape culture.

What advice would you give those who are scared to speak out about an assault?

It’s an inarguable fact of life that, in many areas of popular culture, women’s bodies are presented in a heavily sexualised way. Magazine covers, lads mags, advertisements, pornography and even fashion editorials; no matter your opinion of the phenomenon, sexualised imagery of women is hard to escape in 2014.

What can be more difficult to find, however, are healthy attitudes to genuinely autonomous expressions of sexuality. Whether it’s attitudes to casual sex, to women who act in porn or to women who perform other forms of sex work, the male gaze is often not only consumptive but judgemental to boot. Women engaging in any of these areas are dismissed as “sluts” and “whores” or thought of as “dirty”. The message is clear; we want to fuck you, but we don’t respect you. Or, in the words of a sex worker I follow on Tumblr: “you’ll jack off with your left hand and point with your right”.

  This can be very clearly illustrated in the recent case of the “Duke Porn Star”, an American college student whose work in adult film was “exposed” by a fellow student. The surrounding furore, as well as the death threats and abuse she’s received, were explained in her words here. It’s pretty shocking (but sadly, unsurprising). Casual sex is seen in much the same way. Many women I know have been criticised, mocked or judged for their sexual expression - sometimes even during a sex act! If your number of sexual partners is deemed too high, that’s a crime too; even if the person judging you has themselves contributed to that number! Stripping faces a similar fate; I’ve heard friends of mine say they’d happily visit a strip club and pay for a lapdance but would “never” date a stripper. Hello, cognitive dissonance!

What does it say, then, that genuine sexual autonomy is looked down on? It says that women are still expected to be passive receptacles. That sex, for women, is still totally performative; we’re expected to engage in sexual behaviour, but heaven forbid we actually enjoy it. And don’t even THINK about seeking it out yourself, or seeking a career in the sex industry; even when you talk eloquently about your choices they’re still deemed to be the wrong ones. You must be defective, or damaged, or have experienced some kind of trauma (the “stupid little girl who doesn’t understand her actions” as Belle Knox was told). There’s no way that a woman can enjoy sex as freely and self-indulgently as a man!

The Siren is a student-produced publication at UNC-Chapel Hill that promotes a feminist perspective on issues surrounding gender, identity, sexuality and human rights.

Good for the OP and his friend K for not sitting idle while a stranger received unwanted sexual attention.

The Siren is a student-produced publication at UNC-Chapel Hill that promotes a feminist perspective on issues surrounding gender, identity, sexuality and human rights.