Helping Me Help Myself

I have spent a few hundred dollars lately but it was just about all cash that had been given to me from graduation. My bank account has had no hit. Also, I want to pay for things that are worth their price, good quality, last long and make me feel better. When my appearance is a certain way, it makes me feel better. It makes me feel like I still have some part of me still together.

I think I was secretly triggered by a video on TikTok about where most of the country's wealth is being held and how much Millennials and Gen Z are disadvantaged. Recently, I spent $150 buying 3 articles of clothing at Guess that made me feel nice and I hadn't bought clothes for myself in a very long time. I spent $35 on a one night Burlesque class that made me forget my troubles for a few hours and made me want to do it again. I just spent $50 commissioning art work for Father's Day and I want to take my dad out to eat to celebrate because he is such an amazing father. I want to get my hair done too because I remember being in a depressed state and my hair not being together made me feel ugly when I looked in the mirror because I wasn't emotionally capable of doing my own hair. That's around $200. Then lets think about the gym membership I pay $10 a month for because i need somewhere to go and something to focus on other than how sad i am. Then there is my $350 car note and $100 for my insurances.

I dont receive unemployment payments so the fear I have of how limited everything I have is hurting me. Should i talk to my dad about my fears? Yes. Did i sign up for some Doordash shifts? Yes.

I'm not fully sure what i want. And i know i shouldn't get caught up in what's next. Do i have somewhat of a plan? Yes. Am i happy with everyday that i have? Also yes.

My boyfriend was stressed the other day and went off on me about how I communicate with him. Although I understand how I say some things could be corrected, I do feel he took out some of his stress on me. It made me not want to be close to him the following day. This happened a few days ago and I told him how I felt, but also I didn’t want to have a conversation about it. I want it let go. He said it is justified and we moved on. Not sure if he means my feelings were justified or his actions or justified but I don’t care anymore.

The first day, I had been crying on and off because of these waves of emotions. This morning I talked to one of the marketing professors at my school and she made me feel slightly better about my job search. Although I feel slightly less negative, I feel overwhelmed. Like I am not good enough for any position despite all of my training, education, and experience. She had me do a LinkedIn learning exercise for Personal Branding and although I am capable and have performed some of these duties already, I am intimidated. Becoming my own brand and selling myself? I don’t feel good enough to sell all of the sudden. And I am afraid of becoming the brand I can sell. 

I’m also afraid of landing a job I don’t want to be at. At least, I want to feel useful and my job to be tolerable. I don’t really feel like I know what I want anymore and if I pursued the wrong things. I don’t want to think that after 5 years of college, everything I did ended up not being what I wanted.

Originally, I wanted to be a fiction writer which lead to me wanting to be an editor. I had this idea through most of high school until I changed to marketing last second. I chose marketing because social media interested me at the time. I like to help people and to socialize. Also, I remember that Extra gum commercial and remembered that I wanted to do something as beautiful as I found that. 

I’m imaginative and hard working. I’m not sure how to incorporate that right now. I have very limited design experience, but I can come up with ideas. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t. I’m not a fan of math and I don’t understand a lot of data. CRM, CPM, I am confused. 

I am afraid of learning in a new position, to be told something I did was wrong. I am afraid of the idea that I still have to grow, that I am still not ready yet. Despite the degree, I am not ready, but now I have to make myself ready and can’t expect it to be the responsibility of the educator. Now I am my educator.

I don’t feel like I am ready for any job and I am afraid that it is leading to self sabotage. But everyday that I hear nothing, I grow sadder. Everyday that I get an interview, I get somewhat excited. Everyday as I search for a job or wait for a hiring decision, I am filled with fear. 

I am afraid. It’s as simple as that. I am stuck in my fear and I’m numbing myself to my fear instead of trying to overcome it. 

My unemployment has been revoked and I am down to working Doordash for some kind of income. I'm luckier than most in which I am able to live at home and have fewer bills, but still. I am a first generation college student and it feels like if I take a position that didn't even require a degree, what was the point of the last 5 years? What was the point of making all of these connections?

Not having a job has definitely taken a stab at my self worth, but at the same time, I, as well as everyone around me, know I am doing just about everything I can. I am the only person upset with me for still being unemployed. Growing up as someone who was always praised for their accomplishments, I feel like such a failure right now. Like I want to wallow in my pity and stop looking for a job but I know that would be counterintuitive.

A secret fear I have is, what if I went into the wrong field of study? What if, all this work was done for nothing? What if I did everything right for nothing? I know it's common to struggle, but I don't commonly struggle. I did almost everything right and have the resume to show it.

Another fear I haven't told anyone is the fear of going through all of this again. My boyfriend will apply and go to med school after taking a year off after graduation and not many schools around here offer his certification. What if I go through all this shit, find something and then have to repeat? What if we have to be separated while he goes to school and I look for a job closer to him? I love him so much and I want to start a life with him. Being away from him seems torturous and all I want is to come home to him, sleep with him, watch Netflix or game with him, cook with him, and just fucking be with him. I've been looking forward to graduating so we could make this happen and this feels like the biggest roadblock.

Today was my graduation photos which have been planned by my mom for a few weeks now. Mom did the planning, I didn't know what was to happen or any changes that had been made. I mentioned to my boyfriend that I'll have my photos taken and he asks if he should dress up. I'm thinking this is only going to be a small family thing so I say no. We still decided to have Dutch Bros before the photoshoot together and he decided to help with the photoshoot. I mentioned to my brother last week that I was getting my hair done for this and he mentioned he'd be there. I asked mom about it in which she said that is the same weekend we'd have my niece so yes and then she pulls out a dress for my niece. (My brother also decided that was his way of telling mom he'd be there which we hate when he does that because we don't talk to each other like that.) My dad calls me a few days ago needing a ride to the area, which isn't uncommon. I said "oh, what are you coming here for?" And he says the photoshoot. First time I hear of him. So to both of those times, I said I know nothing about the operation of the photoshoot.

Photoshoot comes today and everyone is in the house getting ready. Brother's girlfriend/niece's mother is there doing mom's makeup and changes into a dress for the photoshoot. My cousin drives my dad to the house and ends up sticking around helping with the shoot (not in it). We arrive to the university for photos and my dad and cousin are just like "why is your boyfriend not dressed?" I tell them because it was never mentioned that he'd be in the photos (I didn't even think he'd be helping with the photos). They continue to tell me I should have assumed because we are dating and that I really had no excuse for preparing him. So I send him home to change. I feel like shit because I continue to feel like there is a theory by other people that because my boyfriend is soft spoken and always ready to make me happy that he's the god given saint and I'm just this chaotic chick who was lucky to find someone to deal with and that she probably walks over (previous comments made before and during this relationship kinda make me feel like that's everyone's theory). So I feel like a shit as girlfriend in front of my family and when I explain to them I don't assume when it comes to mom because it leads to her yelling at me. I'm trying to make today a yell free day (I was close but failed at 10pm). So he changes, comes back, we all take photos.

We did a bit of walking and I was in stiletto heels my mom picked out for me. They were cute but uncomfortable. My feet were in pain and I made it clear that I was in pain generally. But I didn't feel safe telling my mom that these shoes are now uncomfortable because previous comments she's made in the past sounds like she doubts my ability to walk in heels, which bothers me. At one point, I was going to take them off for the walk and my dad told me not to. Thankfully, my boyfriend gave me a piggy back ride for a bit. (Unfortunately I am gaining some weight so I think that made it more difficult for him to carry me.)

We go to lunch together then everyone (minus boyfriend who is now at work) congregates to my uncle's house and have a kickback. It wasn't until I watched a TikTok about a new lipstick to realize it triggered me to earlier events today. We're taking photos and what I recall is mom whining where is my lipstick. I do wear makeup but I don't normally wear lipstick so I had gloss on. I say that and mom scoffed, rolled her eyes, changed her body language, something that tells me not having lipstick was not her preference.

I found myself stuck on these things to the point of ranting to other people a few times throughout the day. I decided that maybe having a conversation with her would help so we could clear the air and try to work things out. I try to have calm, adult conversations in which both sides are heard and respected. This didn't go that way and it never does.

I came home and asked her if we could talk downstairs away from everyone so this is a conversation between me and her. I told her I just wanted to talk about some things that happened today that didn't make me feel good and that it was hard coming to her because I'm afraid of her labeling me as sensitive (which she has done and it feels like it is more to excuse others actions and place blame on me. For example, she tells me I have bad hair in front of my brother and his girlfriend. When I tell her there is no such thing as good hair, it's how you take care of the hair you were born with and continued to go along with it, she calls me sensitive. Her whole thing was she and my brother have good hair and I should have been born with it too. I interpret the sensitive label as her not finding issue with what she said/did and put the issue on me). So I try to explain to her the above things and how it makes me feel. She gets defensive, yells at me (which leads to me crying), and says I'm making things out of nothing and I'm trying to blame my whole life issues on her. Despite crying, I continue to try and deescalate by letting her speak/yell, respond calmly with "okay" and "I understand", and trying to be an adult. (I tell people I can't have adult conversations with my mom and this is what I mean). I am listening to her and how she only planned for her to be in the pictures. She did invite my brother but he doesn't normally come to my functions so she'd take my niece as some part of him if he didn't show up. My dad also tries to come out here once and awhile so she offered him a ride for when she picks up my niece. Basically, I think my family members misinterpreted as everyone, including my brother's girlfriend, being involved. My mom didn't say anything but rolled with it. She mentioned to her boyfriend (who I don't think originally was going to be in the photos until everyone tagged along) that she didn't invite my brothers girlfriend to be in these photos, doesn't know how to tell her that, and is afraid of my boyfriend thinking that she was rude for inviting everyone but him. But the thing is, nothing is communicated to me about the event. I feel that if I would have known what my mom was planning, I would have rolled with punches as well. Tell me what your original plans were so I don't get "bent out of shape" (mom's words) when people come at me with why I didn't do this or that.

She didn't register what I meant about the lipstick, heels and being labelled sensitive. For the lipstick, she says they put lipstick on you at Ulta when they do your makeup there so that was... An assumption I should have made? And assumption she made? I don't know but I haven't had my makeup done by them in five years and I do my makeup differently. I don't even own lipstick and haven't worn any in like 3+ years. For the heels, she said/yelled I should have told her they were uncomfortable (they weren't when I made sure they fit, I never had to walk in them previously) or that I wanted shorter heels or wider wedges which wasn't the point. The point was I didn't feel comfortable telling her directly they were uncomfortable because past actions made me believe she'd think less of me. For the sensitivity thing, in which I tried to explain she also said things like this while I was growing up, she took that as me placing all blame on her. Not the fact that I don't like to be called sensitive and it makes me feel like she is placing blame on my emotions. When I tried to clarify that part, she told me I need to stop doing that.

Afterwards she asks if there is anything else and I said I think the conversation is done. She agrees, stomps off, and continues to talk about how I am trying to find things to blame on her. I go to the kitchen, cry, and put things away. She asks me how to remove her false lashes and I say peel them off. I go to my room, cry some more, and write this post.

I didn't expect anything to change, I actually did predict all of this happening. I still did it because I was pissed off that I was still pissed off. And some part of me hopes this will lead to better communication with my mom which I have past evidence of that not being the case. I end up sadder than before and she ends up pissed off, possibly thinking I'm ungrateful, against her, whatever.

I don't want my children to feel this way. I don't want anyone to feel this way with me. I want to be able to have calm conversations with people in which things can be resolved or we can understand each other better. I want there to be respect, regardless of the differences in opinion, lifestyle, whatever. Thankfully, I feel like I am doing a good job incorporating that into my relationships minus my family ones. Mostly my mom but my brother has his moments too.

My brother also understands where I'm coming from when it comes to things like this. My mom isn't exactly what I would call emotionally available. My brother began to resent it before I did. I think having his daughter and having my mom be involved made it better. I think my brother also tried to have similar conversations with my mom that backfired. He says she was raised in a time/way that family members could say/do whatever and you have no choice but to get over it because they're family. The thing is, my mom taught us cut off culture very early in life. My birth father and his family are cut off. She's cut off some of her family members. I actually cut off her former boss/family friend for inappropriate comments he made about me sexually and comments he made about my boyfriend who's white which I told her about and she didn't listen to until my brother and father were like "yeah we know why she cut him off and we're glad she did" (she actually went on the try to get my brother and father to tell her why and I told them not to say anything because I had already told her I was cutting him off to her face because of inappropriate comments. She said okay and asked no follow up questions. For this moment, it felt like she wanted to know just because everyone else did, not for my own wellbeing in which she would have listened to me when I told her to her face).

I have an MRI tomorrow and I mostly forgot about it until I had to say it aloud today. I think I am more afraid of what the MRI could say than the MRI itself but I am scared of both. I wish I could bring someone with me but the hospital said I couldn't. I think you should be allowed an extra person for emotional support, but ya know, that's just my opinion.

I also got a headache earlier so that didn't help my fears. It was at the back of my head and above my ears. When it first came, I tried to be rational and assumed it was because I didn't drink a lot of water for the day. I downed two cups of water and it lessened and I went about my night. Now I'm trying to sleep and all I could feel was my headache. Rationality comes to me again: I stared spotting today and other than the 2 cups of water I downed, I didn't drink a lot today. I did have quite a bit of sodium and sugar. I debated between taking a melatonin and working out. I chose working out since I haven't done it in awhile and liked the idea of working myself to exhaustion just to sleep. No shower, no clothes, no lights. Just push myself. I did almost 7 rounds of HIIT. Each round was 30 seconds on, 10 seconds off. My pattern was abs, arms, legs, cardio. It wasn't until half way through I could feel my brain releasing the happy chemicals to combat my headache. By the last two rounds, I had to take more breaks because I started to lose some stamina. I basically collapsed on my bed, sweaty, and stayed there. I don't feel my headache anymore and I'm a little more relaxed.

I'm glad I decided to choose exercise because it made me feel like I was responsible. Like I recognized my body needed something and I began to troubleshoot. What is that my body needed that I neglected today? Did I take my allergy meds, drink water, move my body? The feeling of my body rewarding itself for caring is what I enjoy. Sometimes when I'm slightly distressed, I forget that I don't enjoy working out and all the things that tell me I can't go further. I just keep going until moving is too much of a hassle and because I had the mindset of keep going, I don't feel bad when I stop.

My day was pretty great today. I went out to lunch and went shopping with my mom's bf who is like my older brother to me. I showed him this new coffee spot, I drove him to some firearm stores (he's a competitive shooter and instructor), went the to the beauty supply store for hair I need for my graduation photos, got him some products for hair growth, went to an aromatherapy store, Walmart, and a bookstore. Afterwards, I cleaned my room, vacuumed and made my bed which I've wanted to do for awhile. Then I saw my boyfriend and we had taco truck, cuddled and play wrestled, gave him a back massage, watched tv and he watched me play PC games (Grounded is a dope game). Then, he screwed me 5 ways to Sunday and it was HOT. He touched this special place inside of me no dude (not myself) has found. My only thing is I've never finished with a partner and I couldn't tell if my body was discovering new pleasure or wanted to piss so I didn't fully relax unfortunately. I told him later and he was okay with it, we can always try again. We have forever.

I went home and made myself a cup of tea. While it was brewing, I tried to take a shower in which both the shower curtain and shower head were broken. I basically pressure washed myself 😆. Still bathed, washed my face, got my tea and met my boyfriend on VC for 30-45 minutes. We talked some more, went through Steam to see what was on sale, and just talked more. He went to bed first because he needs to go to American Tire first thing in the morning cuz he got a flat when we got dinner.

I feel content right now. I can tell where my headache is located and my body trying to calm the area. I feel like this is such a weird statement. Sometimes I wonder if other people are as aware of what's going on in their body as much as I am. I am debating doing another workout to give my brain a little something extra, but I am kind of leaning towards not. At most, I'll just do the same move until I tire myself out.

But yeah, this is me. Despite having a good day, some of my anxiety is still with me and sometimes being rational doesn't help. Sometimes adding a physical distraction at least forces my body to either heal itself or focus on something else. I also wanted to skip writing this post because I feel better, but now I'm glad that I didn't. My counselor this past week said writing is like my medicine and I need to keep taking my medicine. I guess she's right. I hate taking medicine, but I do like writing. Part of me tried to think of this as an unnecessary chore because I feel better and I won't be upset with myself if I didn't do it. I wouldn't be upset but I probably would continue building up things inside which I need to stop doing. If I don't want to go back to depression meds, I need to keep using my coping mechanisms.

Let's focus on good things. One symptom has already disappeared. I have had this weird painful breathing before and my doctor thought it was anxiety related. My anxiety is triggered by my allergies which are year round so the action plan then was to be aggressive with my allergy medicine. I am doing that exact thing now which also helped me feel better in the past. I am quite mucusy in my throat which can be triggering and I took Mucinex this morning to help with it. I don't like taking it at night cuz it can also operate as a muscle relaxant and I don't like the feeling. I have access to "free" healthcare because my school has a clinic type place with real doctors and nurses for students. It's already included in tuition so I don't have to pay and my grants have covered my education. I also have health insurance so I can go to a doctor in town despite the copay. I am financial secure enough to take care of a copay. But currently, this doesn't matter. What matters is that my body is already making itself better, I will wake up after I sleep because this is not new, I am unemployed at the moment so I can focus on my health without repurcussions, and everything will be okay. Aggressive treatment works and I started it today. What's another day or two of treatment?

Game Plan: when I'm done writing this, try to go to sleep again. My sinuses are just about completely swollen rn despite doing a neti pot 30 minutes ago and Flonase 3 hrs ago. I am breathing easier via mouth while in bed and my sinuses may decrease in swelling once I turn to my side. Breathing, check. I will also keep my humidifier on to help add moisture to my room, soothe my throat when I mouth breath so I don't get a new sore throat (in all honesty, the mouth breathing could be the cause), and to kill any viruses in my room. Purifier is on to help me sleep, soothe my anxiety and to clean the air. If I am not feeling a little better in the morning, then I'll see the doctor. If I am feeling better, even if I'm not cured, I will continue with my aggressive home treatment. This will also include no seeing boyfriend and friends, monitoring my temperature (I don't have a fever), and not doing anything strenuous or stressful. Hot showers, warm tea, salt water gargles and the works. I think the only reason I'd leave the house is if I was going to the doctor or picking something up from Walgreens. Hands need to be washed after every bathroom break and before every meal (sometimes we can be forgetful, we're human. But this can really help). I'll decrease the amount of processed foods but still eat the foods I enjoy. Like maybe I get to have hummus with snap peas tomorrow along with my regular pb&j and bowl of cereal. Maybe even eat some of my favorite strawberry applesauce in the fridge. I started planning a vacation to Greece for sometime in the next couple of years so maybe I'll look into that more. I've wanted to watch the Bridget Jones trilogy for the first time and my homework could use some polishing before submission.

Overall, there is a plan tomorrow for whatever happens next. I need to accept that there is no need to worry about it now because nothing has happened. I can't treat myself until I do. I have a plan for if I get worse and if I get better. I'm already getting better but my mind doesn't want to focus on it. I am doing the best I can and I am listening to my body. I am not ignoring the signs my body gives me and I am going to take the time to take care of myself and my education at my pace without adding more stress. Stress won't make me healthier any faster. Taking a few days right now to situate myself will save me from taking a bunch of days later because I didn't take of myself.

I make it to the main land and like the first time I had the dream, no one cared that the people on a nearby island were going to die without help. The me in my dream seemed to remember what happened in my first dream to know I am going to have to get 50 shades of desperate for anyone to care.

What was new was the fact that I found a robot coming towards me and it was actually from my mom's company. They were a small, inky dinky emergency service that answered. I begged for help and I turned to sobbing, telling it my mom worked for the company and I can't lose her (irl I claim my dad is my favorite person and I complain a lot about my mom, but bruh I need her). I don't know why, but they wanted to offer to provide sushi for once everyone from the island made it to the mainland, not services to help the Islanders to the mainland. But after I started sobbing, they were going to offer a tiny helicopter (not enough, but something).

I woke up during dream me's sobbing. The dream was slightly supernatural because I knew there were supposed to be three sisters that sing challengingly to a supernatural being within the storm that's flooding the island and their winning is part of what saves the island. The other part is my anger and desperation when trying to get help from the mainlanders for the Islanders eventually working and more emergency services are sent to save everyone on the island.

Would it be a cool movie? Sure. Would it be a shitty as real life event? Yes. My heart doesn't desire this event to happen or that responsibility to be placed on me. I actually don't enjoy swimming due to learning it late in life for survival only, not enjoyment. I don't go boating, recreational swimming, snorkeling, surfing, cruising, or have any desire to visit an island atm. I went to a friend's family member's pool before going to bed and had a great time. I could stand in most of the pool and they had a spa. I had a great time with my friends and I even spent a little time complaining about my mother regarding a situation that was actually resolved recently. I even watched a bunch of TikTok skits about toxic moms. Then this nightmare happens a second time... I'm not a fan.

Instead of chosing it as a reminder of my fears, I want to chose it as a reminder of how much passion I have for mother. When I have breakdowns, I seek her support more than I seek comfort from others. One day I'll have to live without my mother in my life, but thankfully we plan on it not being for a very long time. I need to let go of the anger I have at my mom that I pent up and remember how much I love her. Am I saying that I'm going to put myself in positions again for my mom to hurt me emotionally or anger me again? No, because my mom is not a perfect being. No one is. I need to let go of anger for me because it hurts me, not her because I don't talk to her about it. Or if I do, I still hold on to it. I don't want this dream of worse for a third time to remind me of it.

For a few reasons I don't feel the need to explain, we can't sleep together on a regular basis. That's why sleeping next to him physically is still so special. One thing that's probably weird to other people (I know it was to me at first) was sleeping together via VC. One of my friends in high school did it and when I saw, I thought it was so weird. Five years later and now I'm doing it.

It's like... ending your day and starting your day with the person you crave to be around. He's the last face I see and if something happens in the night, we both hear it. We get to wake up together and I get to see this beautiful dopey smile he gives me when he wakes up that absolutely makes my heart melt. The best part is the waking up, it's my favorite.

My social meter with him has not emptied yet. I still want to be around him, physically, all day and vc all night. Although it's what I want, I'm realistic to know that's not possible for us. We both have responsibilities, other people in our lives, and sometimes we need to take care of ourselves by ourselves. I may not like it, but I respect it.

1. It's okay not to be in a positive mood right now. It's normal not to start or end your day in a positive mood or not be in one the entire day.

2. Your feelings are valid and you have every right to feel them. It's not a negative reflection on yourself.

3. Even though you feel like you have nothing to look forward to tomorrow, I know that you'll have a good moment that you can't predict.

4. I'm here for you, no matter what you decide to do to handle your situation. Whether you want me involved or not, I'll stand by you.

5. Just by breathing, you became the highlight of my day.

So you didn’t enforce me and my brother to really clean up after ourselves in kitchen growing up. Your fault, you admitted it. You didn’t set it as a boundary or rule so for 18 years it wasn’t a boundary or rule.

Then, you expect things to change suddenly. Doing our best isn’t enough, no. Do a full 180 overnight. Is it a big deal? No. But yelling at us, well now me, over what is a new rule in our household doesn’t help. I understand most households have this rule, but we never did. Any rule, regardless of what it is, takes time to acclimate to. But the yelling is unnecessary.

I start to clean up after myself. I get it, you don’t want to clean up after another adult. Understandable. But it’s no longer clean up after yourself, it’s I must clean up after you and your boyfriend when you forget to clean up after yourself. Got it.

Now, me not unloading the dishwasher is YOU cleaning up after ME and you just weren’t saying anything until you just come home and burst and start yelling. No, I wasn’t home all day, but go ahead. Take your frustration and anger out on me. Funny how all the unwashed dishes that weren’t touched weren’t mine... They were yours. So you didn’t want to clean up after yourself either and me deciding not to do your dishes is a cardinal sin. 

Yes, I understand there are only three adults in this house. So why don’t we go back to the rule you say you want us to live by. Clean up after YOURSELF and include you on that list.

Also, there’s no need to raise your voice over trivial matters. Just talk to me. Like the clothes you hung from the shower pole and set on the toilet so you could take a shower and then leave there. You left and I had to go to the bathroom. So I moved your clothes to your room, assuming they were dry. No need to yell at me about how I shouldn’t assume with your defense being you forgot to hang them back up.