you matter

I find this can help chip away a bit at stigma and confusion for people who have misconceptions that rituals can’t be mental (much of what people will describe as “checking for thought crimes” sounds a LOT like a mental ritual), as well as guide them towards tools for breaking the cycle of intrusive thoughts, obsession and ritual—or at the very least help persuade them that rituals reinforce, rather than “fix” those obsessions.

Like I do absolutely think people, especially ones who have access to counseling already, should raise and ask about these issues, including “I’m wondering if I might have OCD because…” (that is part of how I got diagnosed!), but these resources can be helpful for those who maybe haven’t had that kind of thought pattern before but encouraged themselves to do so because of social pressure to the point where they now have to un-learn it (essentially where it’s become disordered thinking) but will maybe balk at the idea of diagnosis because it hasn’t always been like that, or similar situations.

I try to emphasize that tools like this are open to anyone for whom they might be helpful, whether or not they have diagnosed OCD. Especially because some people who may get a diagnosis in future can still educate themselves now, and perhaps work towards one that way.

But for real, since I’ve started talking about OCD on my blog I’ve had literally half a dozen people talk to me (anon or not) about “…oh shit I had no idea OCD could look like [xyz thing]” and have The Realization, some of whom I know got diagnosed later and others of whom felt empowered to look into it when they hadn’t before because they were worried that seeking help with scrupulosity would be “appropriating OCD experiences” (people struggling with scrupulosity being scrupulous around needing help is definitely a bigger thing than I realized—it’s not just stigma or ignorance!).

I see a lot of people feel isolated, or like they're an exception to the 'OCD rules'. Reminder that, all these different subsets of OCD aren't different types of OCD. Like, HOCD (Homosexual OCD) is not a different diagnosis, it's just OCD. Real Event OCD? That's just a nickname; still just OCD! In reality, all these different 'types' are really just types of intrusive thoughts/obsessions. You're valid no matter what your 'type' is, and the treatment is always the same. CBT, ERP and SSRIs.

I want to start with a disclaimer that i am not a licensed psychologist by any means, i am not a social worker , i am not a mental health expert. I am a person who has OCD , and is going through ERP therapy , as well as attending several support groups with specialists and other people who have a wide arrange of OCD  themes and symptoms . 

I think we very much need to talk about desensitization , intrusive thoughts and arousal, as well as what it means to “act on “ or have “proof of “  your OCD thoughts . 

There are a ton of great great blogs on here , many that talk about reactions to OCD thoughts. Posts that say “we find them extremely disturbing, incomprehensible , immoral , disgusting and know its something we will never actually do “ . Although i know how important these posts are and how reassuring and positive it can be to remember our values , I can’t help but feel a little distant from these statements. Because after all , what does OCD do after a while ? and what do we do to heal ? 

OCD can become meta, it can lead to “well what if i liked this at one point, what if i have/had a porn fetish , what if i had an orgasm and intrusive thoughts came in my head , did i place them there or not, is this proof, what counts as proof–  “ A tendency to over analyze and doubt our reactions is very much a symptom, Questioning whether we reacted “correctly “ . Correctly being disturbed , repulsed , anxious. I feel like people with OCD have the tendency to reassure themselves and others by saying “trust me i am disgusted by these thoughts this is why im different then actual – “ . But OCD manages to go after that too doesn’t it ? What about when we get desensitized to the things in our head ? I personally have had intrusive thoughts all my life, i was never repulsed by some of them , and now that i have developed full blown OCD , i am left wondering “ Well i am scared about it now but why wasn’t i back then ? why wasn’t i disturbed ? did i just have no morals at all, was i a terrible person for not being anxious / grossed out  ? “ . Not just doubting why you weren’t bothered by mental intrusive thoughts , but also using a lack of reaction to other external things as proof. Like watching murder documentaries or slasher films or even being in an irl horrific event . Let’s say you have Harm OCD , not being disturbed by these subjects just in general might lead you to question having “proof “ that you enjoy the thoughts or want to act on these things. You didn’t have a giant reaction to seeing someone get hurt , so what does this mean for your Harm OCD? is it proof ? These are questions OCD can and will bring up . Desensitization is also EXTREMELY common , years and years of these thoughts and you just do not give a fuck about them anymore and you are just tired and moving a long. See how muddled it can get when trying to use our reactions as indicators ? 

Our reactions are not black and white ! Not only that , but think about what ERP is actually trying to get you to do . It gets you to think about the thoughts , think about the most horrific thoughts you have or actions you have done or might have done and lessen your reaction to them . Sit with the anxiety, not argue with yourself if it makes you bad or not. Sit with them and eventually reduce the anxiety , reduce the reaction so you can go about your activities with little mental or physical distress .

 I think the line of thinking that we have to be intensely disturbed by our thoughts leads to A LOT of meta OCD within sufferers  . People being very uncomfortable about even doing ERP because sometimes learning/practicing  how to not be bothered confuses our moralities even more than Being stuck in the OCD cycle.  Its absolutely bonkers if you think about it ! OCD makes us disturbed but some of us who struggle with meta OCD are hesitant to go through treatment cause we are almost reliant on distress to let us know we are good. At least when we are anxious we know our values ! So many articles and posts say “actually people with OCD don’t like the thoughts , they hate them and are distressed “ .  With all the people i have met and talked to , this fades, this changes , this even causes people to question whether they have ocd if they are just tired , if they actually aren’t that anxious anymore and healing , that becomes a stressor ! You become disturbed about not being disturbed . It needs to be addressed ! I don’t know how exactly to solve this, but i hope people who read posts that say “don’t worry ! you hate the thoughts thats what matters “ , and feel like it doesn’t apply to you , realize your doubt of that is also OCD  . Your OCD has just now become obsessive over your varying levels of anxiety , and trying to figure out what that means are your compulsions.

This isn’t very well written, but this distance is something i personally feel , and meta OCD / questioning what actions count as “proof” is very much what ocd can also do , you aren’t alone , and please know that the ERP therapy for meta OCD is still the same process. 

We need to talk about this more and be a lot less rigid with what reactions are acceptable. OCD latches onto that and makes us doubt too for so many of us .

OCD: being interested in such a dark topic means that there’s something wrong with you. maybe you’re possessed by a demon or you’re actually a psychopath, and you enjoy seeing innocent people suffer. if you watch this, you’re likely to commit your first murder one day. this documentary will inspire you to become a serial killer.

I want to start with a disclaimer that i am not a licensed psychologist by any means, i am not a social worker , i am not a mental health expert. I am a person who has OCD , and is going through ERP therapy , as well as attending several support groups with specialists and other people who have a wide arrange of OCD  themes and symptoms .  I think we very much need to talk about desensitization , intrusive thoughts and arousal, as well as what it means to “act on “ or have “proof of “  your OCD thoughts .  There are a ton of great great blogs on here , many that talk about reactions to OCD thoughts. Posts that say “we find them extremely disturbing, incomprehensible , immoral , disgusting and know its something we will never actually do “ . Although i know how important these posts are and how reassuring and positive it can be to remember our values , I can’t help but feel a little distant from these statements. Because after all , what does OCD do after a while ? and what do we do to heal ? 

OCD can become meta, it can lead to “well what if i liked this at one point, what if i have/had a porn fetish , what if i had an orgasm and intrusive thoughts came in my head , did i place them there or not, is this proof, what counts as proof–  “ A tendency to over analyze and doubt our reactions is very much a symptom, Questioning whether we reacted “correctly “ . Correctly being disturbed , repulsed , anxious. I feel like people with OCD have the tendency to reassure themselves and others by saying “trust me i am disgusted by these thoughts this is why im different then actual – “ . But OCD manages to go after that too doesn’t it ? What about when we get desensitized to the things in our head ? I personally have had intrusive thoughts all my life, i was never repulsed by some of them , and now that i have developed full blown OCD , i am left wondering “ Well i am scared about it now but why wasn’t i back then ? why wasn’t i disturbed ? did i just have no morals at all, was i a terrible person for not being anxious / grossed out  ? “ . Not just doubting why you weren’t bothered by mental intrusive thoughts , but also using a lack of reaction to other external things as proof. Like watching murder documentaries or slasher films or even being in an irl horrific event . Let’s say you have Harm OCD , not being disturbed by these subjects just in general might lead you to question having “proof “ that you enjoy the thoughts or want to act on these things. You didn’t have a giant reaction to seeing someone get hurt , so what does this mean for your Harm OCD? is it proof ? These are questions OCD can and will bring up . Desensitization is also EXTREMELY common , years and years of these thoughts and you just do not give a fuck about them anymore and you are just tired and moving a long. See how muddled it can get when trying to use our reactions as indicators ?  Our reactions are not black and white ! Not only that , but think about what ERP is actually trying to get you to do . It gets you to think about the thoughts , think about the most horrific thoughts you have or actions you have done or might have done and lessen your reaction to them . Sit with the anxiety, not argue with yourself if it makes you bad or not. Sit with them and eventually reduce the anxiety , reduce the reaction so you can go about your activities with little mental or physical distress .

 I think the line of thinking that we have to be intensely disturbed by our thoughts leads to A LOT of meta OCD within sufferers  . People being very uncomfortable about even doing ERP because sometimes learning/practicing  how to not be bothered confuses our moralities even more than Being stuck in the OCD cycle.  Its absolutely bonkers if you think about it ! OCD makes us disturbed but some of us who struggle with meta OCD are hesitant to go through treatment cause we are almost reliant on distress to let us know we are good. At least when we are anxious we know our values ! So many articles and posts say “actually people with OCD don’t like the thoughts , they hate them and are distressed “ .  With all the people i have met and talked to , this fades, this changes , this even causes people to question whether they have ocd if they are just tired , if they actually aren’t that anxious anymore and healing , that becomes a stressor ! You become disturbed about not being disturbed . It needs to be addressed ! I don’t know how exactly to solve this, but i hope people who read posts that say “don’t worry ! you hate the thoughts thats what matters “ , and feel like it doesn’t apply to you , realize your doubt of that is also OCD  . Your OCD has just now become obsessing over your varying levels of anxiety , and trying to figure out what that means are your compulsions. This isn’t very well written, but this distance is something i personally feel , and meta OCD / questioning what actions count as “proof” is very much what ocd can also do , you aren’t alone , and please know that the ERP therapy for meta OCD is still the same process.  We need to talk about this more and be a lot less rigid with what reactions are acceptable. OCD latches onto that and makes us doubt too for so many of us .