Damn, I haven’t been on Tumblr in forever. Every now and then I check my feed but I haven’t posted anything in a while. Do any of my friends even use this still? 

Life has been pretty crazy for me lately. I’d say I’ve grown up a lot since last year. Fall is usually when I start noticing all the changes in my life. I always reflect on where I was this time last year. The year is almost over, I believe that big changes happen at any point in the year but man 2017 is actually going to be a huge year for me. Everything I am about to do is so different and out of my comfort zone. 

For starters I won’t be attending school in the spring. I will be taking online classes instead. It’s scary because I’ve always loved school and enjoyed being at school. Most people take a year off after high school but when I was 17, I was impatient. I had a plan. 2 years of community college and then transfer to a 4 year. I am now 21, and I’m still in community college. A lot of it is my fault. I hate math and that’s what’s putting me behind. Also trying so hard to get my career started and taking internships while taking many units at school was also not a good idea. I am now learning to be patient and take things slow. 

If it all goes well I will be joining my best friend in North Carolina and hopefully Cambodia from March-August. I have finally decided to take a break and work on my mental health. I also knew I should but I am stubborn and just wanted to get things out of the way. Doing this now feels like a right time. 

I’ve never liked who I was, because I know I could be someone amazing but the lack of confidence and the amount of anxiety keeps me from being someone I know I can be. During the next 3 months I’m still in town I do want to focus on my art and try all sorts of new things that I’ve always wanted to do. I want to find myself. As silly as that sounds, I’ve lost myself these past two years. Not that I really knew who I was but I’ve discovered so much about myself that I started questioning myself. 

As of now, those who really know me just think I am some shy quirky girl who makes jokes at the wrong time and messes everything up at work, is either very depressing or way to jumpy. I just noticed that I am different around every group and I don’t like that. 

Over the summer I thought that I would be relaxing and taking it slow but instead I realized how sick and unhealthy I really am. Again, something I always knew but didn’t realize how bad it truly was until I was binge drinking like crazy and making impulsive decisions that I know wasn’t me.