swan songs,

       “I just…I never meant to hurt anyone. I just wanted to help, but every time I try, I just make it worse.”

      “ the road to hell and all that. you just gotta, i dunno, keep trying until you find a way that works for you and others. it’s not gonna be all bad. ”  maybe. what would adam even know? he’s been in hell for the past ten years.

 Castiel visibly flinched at thee young mans words, as if his calm tenacity on the subject was far sharper than any spat out hiss or curse his way. He was well deserving of something harsher and he had expected it but to his surprise, none of it came. It only made him feel more ashamed to be before him. 

“Understandable.” Cas murmured quietly with a curt no of his head. After some time albeit hesitantly, sapphire eyes made their way to meet the young mans own quiet pair, giving him a strained smile that hardly met his gaze. “Busy is one way to put it, yes. Multiple times did the world come to the brink of destruction. Your eherm…brothers, however were able to stop most of them. Although not always unscathed. I wish not to burden you with excuses however, but they’ve been through one horrible decade. You all have.”

 The angel frowned, looking over his shoulder as if worried they’d over heart them. “I have tried my best to help but even my efforts are a flawed one. Mistakes have been made…you being one they regret the most.”

At the mention of Micheal, his eye twitched ever so slightly but he nodded in response. “I suspect he’s still angry at me. I was probably too harsh but then again, I didn’t know how else to show him the truth. Normally anger is the best reasonable solution...ironically. He has every right to be mad however…we were wrong to judge him. And for that too, I hope he understands I feel much guilt over. But now that we’re all on the same page…perhaps with time we can try to mend all that my father has broken between us. Not just us angel kin but you and your own brother’s as well.”

    “ well, from what michael’s told me, saving the world seems to be their kinda thing, ”  could save the world but couldn’t save their brother. the bitterness lingered on his tongue, leaving a sour taste behind, but adam didn’t speak the words. there wouldn’t be any point. he and the archangel had finally managed to escape from hell, even if it wasn’t by their own hands. still, neither were going to lift a gift horse in the mouth, despite the grass not being quite greener on the other side. and sam and dean having nothing to do with it, despite the quiet hope in the back of adam’s mind despite attempts to squash it.

      adam shrugged,  “ regret doesn’t do much. no point in worrying about it now. i’m free, aren’t i? ”  the regret, the pretty words spoken by sam and dean both, they did nothing for adam. they could regret all they like, they still did nothing. they still allowed him to be there. and maybe he put on the face of understanding and forgiveness, preaching to michael about his Father even, but some of that anger is still allowed to boil to the surface, he thought.

    “ you’ll have to ask him yourself. i don’t really get what’s gone on with you guys, i was only there for the end, but... michael could use all the allies he can get right now, ”   finding out your greatest ally was actually the enemy was a blow. adam could feel the grief and the rage from michael, as much as he tried to hide it.   “ he’s probably gonna be kinda grumpy with you for a while, man. that fire hurt. plus, assbutt? ”

      they hadn’t been on good terms at that point, the archangel and the human whose body he stole, but adam was still aware enough to see what was happening.  “ as for sam and dean? well.... i dunno, castiel. they’re not— ”  he stumbled on his own words, trying to find a way to phrase it.  “ i don’t even know them. my mom? she was family, she was everything. john was some guy who turned up every now and then to take me to a game. i didn’t even know sam and dean ‘til you pulled me out the ground. sure, maybe they could’ve felt some kind of obligation to pull me from hell, but. i don’t even know them. ”

                            i met them once. and they let me                                rot in hell. family. family sucks.

    excuse adam if he doesn’t sound too impressed, but he has michael raging in the back of his mind at adam’s refusal to give up his body for this conversation, but also the angel’s fear and rage and heartbreak and inability to deal with it at all kind of distracting him. plus, chuck doesn’t exactly strike an imposing figure. it’s not what adam had thought god would look like at all, though he’d not spent much time in his life dwelling on it until he’d been in heaven and told that he had a Higher Calling in life than being eaten alive by his mother, and then making out with a girl at prom in the blissful afterlife.

  “ you’re not exactly a fan favourite right now, huh? ” and, well, adam is one of those disappointed not-quite-fans. looking at the being who could have pulled michael and him both from the cage years ago, but didn’t bother because it wasn’t interesting enough, is enough to put a damper on any kind feelings he may have had, had he met the big guy before. at least he still has the sass, which he apparently gets from the wincherster side of the family. that, added to his mums? well... she did always say his mouth would get him in trouble one day.

    it’s not entirely true. michael is home right now - he’s always home, in the back of his mind, or some kind of weird, body-sharing illusion sat across from him. it’s more that michael is still reeling from the revelation that his Father isn’t so much a paragon of good and all that is... well, holy, than he initially thought. even adam is rocked by the news. even if he’s never been all that religious, finding out the one that’s supposed to be the one big Good to aspire to is just writing his own wacky, awful show is an excellent way of rocking someone’s world. even more than being stuck in a hell cage for 10 (or more) years.

 for a minute adam wonders what to add, tilts his head a little as if he’s listening to something before he says, “ he’s kinda busy uh. processing, i guess is the word for it. you’re stuck with me instead. sorry. ”

“None of what I can do is a complete power by itself. It’s more like residual side effects. But yeah. Such as… I didn’t say it, but we could cross paths in a way that had nothing to do with being vessels and I’d still know you were a vessel at one point. You have what I call aural scarring and I can see it. And the grace left in me reacts to other grace. In your case a fluttery, weird feeling like I should definitely know you somehow. Which is weird because usually the feeling comes off in tinnitus that’s more like a soft angel screech in the back of my head.”

HE’D BOUGHT WHATEVER HE COULD SEE. a bad choice at the time? probably, however he wasn’t exactly familiar with the concept of currency. money was of little used to him before this, sheets of paper that the human race had fought and died over– it didn’t make sense, but apparently made the world go round. so, as he put the paper bag onto the table and dug out probably far too much food, his smile was gentle as he looked to the other. make sure he’s safe, make sure he’s fed.

“okay. well, there’s some in there, and something called a ‘chalupa’. in all honesty, i got that one because the name made me laugh.”   even saying it then caused a slight giggle to rise from him, his eyes creasing as his smile widens slightly.   “i thought it best since i don’t think me cooking again is a good idea.”

        okay, so as much as it’s ridiculous, it’s also kind of funny seeing how much had been bought. adam had a healthy appetite, he always had since learning to cook for himself while his mom was on long shifts in the hospital, but still. it would take him days to eat all of this. and really, considering adam’s previous experiences with angels, this was almost kind of sweet in comparison. it makes him wonder if all of them, had they not been giant, raging douchebags, would be the same as this. so innocently clueless, in a way.