everything changes, but beauty remains.

It's dark. Years, literal years. 8+ years of working towards a goal that feels like it's disappeared into the wind. All the rankings feel artificial now, like they're an illusion meant to placate people into thinking that opportunities exist where they don't anymore. Who does that serve though? I'm on a roller coaster & I've never wanted to get off more. 8 YEARS. Unimaginable amounts of money invested. The fear, frustration, defeat comes rolling over me in waves. I get short reprieves, opportunities to flip off the light switch & pretend that everything is okay... but then the lights turn on again & I remember that I'm still alone. Floating around out here with nothing to grab onto but bullshit that is either just shadows or so rotten that it crumbles in my hands.