blooming queer

...It took me more than 2 years to finally write about by bully story. Soo here is a triggerwarning for bullies,mental health. It all started when I was 11 year old. And it was a new school with new people but also some people from elementary school, who I called my friends back in these days.

So one day my so called friends wanted to talk with me about something. Well, it was about me beeing annoying to them, because uhm yeah they never told me a reason. From this day on my life has changed so much and I suffered a lot in my life because of this little Moment.

Yeah it was just this one little Moment when my so called friends made me to the bully victim number one of our year. It was like a ticking bomb which just explode.

Since that day my whole year and some guys from older years bullied me because of my face , how I look, how I speak , find some stupid names to call on me. Even how i ate or how I breath even just the fact I excist was a target for them to bully me.They tookmy stuff and throw it arround. Or even destroyed ma stuff.  Guess what my confidence shrunk so much; I dont even had any confidence at this point of my life.

There were so many days when I just don’t wanna go to school, I was happy when I was at home. School trips where horrible. My parents forced me to go because thats just normal. They also didnt know about the bulling in school I never talked about it. Because I knew if i do so, they would say talk back you got a mouth so speak up. Dont lets themm bully you. Yep they didn’t know that won’t work.

Even if I would have done that they wont stop. When I said somthing they bullied back if I tried to ignore they still bully me. So I hoped time goes on and I finally can go onto my next school.

To be honest these four years just kinda destroyed me.

YES DESTROYED ME

I didnt know back then but now I do. My mental health was getting so bad in this point of my life. So I was so so happy to get the Chance to start a new me in new school. But how with no confidence?

Also what is a new me because the old me who was friendly and open to make new friends got destroyed back then. So I was the destroyed 14year old Girl that liked to wait an see what happen next. Never speak up and wait until people speak to her.

So I barly made friends in the next few days, but I talked to the half of my knew class, but no one seemed to be a friend. Except one person. I regonized her allready at the first day in the hall. I thought: maybe shes nice.

Yes she was and is till today.

But the bullies didnt stopp. For the first 3 weeks. Because I was one of the last people getting in the classroom there were no good places to take a seat. Just 2 free chairs, one in the first row and one in the middle of second row. I wished to have enough confidence to say hey i wanna sit there, but I didnt. So I sat down in first row. There sat two person called julia and sarah. They made fun of me. Till the day I got a Boyfriend. But before that Claudia, thats the name of this nice Person asked me to sit next to her. Because there was still a spot in second row. She is my healing, since that day I recoved day by day, even julia and sarah still made fun of me.

I never get bullied again till 2014 in vocational school. Some stupid guy called Kevin... At this point of my life I didnt gave a fuck about it. And it quickly stopped. Back than i last year of vocational school he really wanna get friends with me, but I guess that just was because I came out as a lesbian. And he thought it would be cool hanging around with the class lesbian.

These are just the bully stories. But the worsted part of all is the mental health, and How I still have to learn that people are not bad and I am not trash or something.That I am worth it. I am worth it do have friends I am worth it to be happy. Yeah I still struggle I cant affort compliments. I'm bad at taking criticism, because I think all i did till now was wrong I think I am not to good at something or I am the worst ever.

So yeah from age 11 till age 21 i was bullied more or less but I was. And this will never go away this will always be part of me.

TEN FUCKING YEARS

And I thank myself. I never had thoughts about suicid or so. I just once cut myself in my arms, I didnt get any scars. Thank god that didn't helped me at all to feel better at this point. Also sometimes I think i wish someone noticed it. Maybe then I got a therapist. But yeah I struggled all the time alone.

this block is kind a real old, i started it when i was 15 years old. i started it with theme simple plan, i was crazy about them, later on it used it for my pretty little liar phase.

then till now i use it for anime manga kpop jpop and so on. i nearly wasn´t online about a year.whatever since i useded this blog since i am 15 years old and i shows me and all my hobbies fandoms and so on, i´ll start usinig this blog account for my personal thougts. i had for some time a second tumblr. just for looking for lesbian stuff and any gay stuff, this was my finding process.

thru pretty little lias emily it was the first time i startet realize mhmm i think i am gay. i never start a kind of testing or something, i just let run the thing how they were.

anyways since the second time( yes it was the second time wehen i watched ppl) i thought maybe iam gay and the moment i really realized it there are years between yeas of confused years of chaos, anyway may some time ill tell you about this in my blog.