HeartMeetsHearse

I’ve outgrown meaningless sex. Something I’m very proud of but saddened by how much of myself I’ve lost through it over these last few years

I sleep on every lie I’ve made

It’s so simple. We all want to love and trust something

I’ve evolved past anyone who has claimed to love me.

Just like that BOOM mental breakdown and I don’t recognize me

I want to scream, I want to vomit, I want to cry, I’m afraid

I’m the universe’s curse and it’s kinda hot like wow, eat me up cosmos hehe

Thinking I’m not anymore special than just another sad drug addict.

I really hate that you breaking my heart was my personality for these last few years. Yuck.

The sheer idea of us even thinking we’re supposed to learn how to love WOMEN from other MEN has turned my brain inside the fuck out. We’ve been so wrong.

Scrolling for over 6 hours. Unhappy with myself and fearing my mortality. The give and take of enjoying what harms us exhausting.

I’m honestly a loser. I drink every night, surely if given the chance, womanize. Mend these false philosophies in my head and sing to a cadence no one cares to unpack or unravel because I’m a self important self indulgent whore. I wish I could take how selfish and ignorant I am and channel that into ACTUALLY loving myself. I thought I had time but I think I’m too far into being a wretch to turn away. My days in a blur, my soul in a knot …. Droning sad songs because they make my emotions feel heard and pretty. I’m sure I’ll drink my head off tonight.

Had a dream of you not too long ago. Full color conversation, prompt back and forth, and closure were the things given. The dream started to evaporate once I realized I was talking to the last version of you that I remember. I’m sure you’ve changed as have I. I think my core was so desperate for reconciliation my mind was willing to try and trick me into believing everything is okay between us now. It left me empty, and I felt a gut wrenching pain strong enough to bring me to my knees. I cried in the dream and woke up with my body searching for the hydration to cry in real life as well. Some scars don’t serve us well but I won’t cope as I have been. Something has to change.

Heartbreak is us coming to understand the chase. It is an experiment. It is ever changing.

I’m somewhere I feel like I shouldn’t be, but I am. I’ve run into circumstances that aren’t my favorite, shadows of you. I’m so afraid of what you could think of me, how you could feel about me. How you could eat me alive all the way down to my atoms. Tear the skin from my flesh and eat every single part of me I claim to love so much publicly. You aren’t my kryptonite, I’m no one super. You’re my boogeyman, my biggest fear. The thing that shakes your inner child down to their fucking core. I want to cry, vomit, scream, and shatter me all in the same moment. I’m an amazing actor, and I mean amazing in my own special way. This is something however I can’t hide. Here’s to you, here’s to the person I let break my spirit. Fully relinquishing my sanity.. you win.

Going through a period in my life where I’m getting a lot of rejection and hatred and honestly I’m grateful. After this, long over the anxiety of worrying the outcome of someone disliking me even though I voice how much it doesn’t matter to me. I can truly say I’m no longer afraid of that feeling.