COULD BE A NAIL IN MY COFFIN

Thank God it was dark when Hel woke up. She didn't want to think about what seeing sunlight would have been like, the way she felt.

As she woke a little more, Hel began to feel... different. She couldn't put a finger on why, exactly, just that she felt changed.

When she stumbled into the bathroom, she became immediately aware of what was wrong; her skin was white, her hair hung limp and tangled, and she had sprung two new, curved, razor-sharp teeth in her sleep. Reaching up to pull her hair aside and check for injuries, she felt a sharp pain in the bend of her elbow.

There were two puncture wounds- obviously she had struggled, because her skin was torn up- and a massive bruise surrounding them.

Oh, no. This wasn't happening.

Hel was sure she had taken all the necessary precautions. She'd killed every last one of the vampires... hadn't she? There was no way. Surely she would remember getting bitten. How do you forget something like that?

Picking up her phone, Hel texted the only person she knew that would help her, free of judgment.

[text: Gen] hey baby doll i need some help [text: Gen] it's bad

A few moments later, her phone began to ring. Gen was calling back, which made her feel better, somehow. She immediately answered. "Gen? I'm sorry to wake you up, darlin'." "What's wrong, babe? It's 3AM, what happened?" "I... Uh..." She sighed. "You know that vamp nest I went after?" "... What the fuck did you do?" "Nothing! I did everything right, I'll have you know!" "I'm guessin' not, since you're callin' for help." Gen had a point. "Well, I. I thought I did. I killed them all, made sure I wasn't followed, did everything I was supposed to, but..." She ran a hand through her hair. “I woke up just a bit ago, and… I looked in the mirror, I have a really nasty bite mark and I apparently cut some new teeth.”

Her hands were shaking. Why couldn’t she get her damn hands to stop shaking? “I just… Can I come over to yours? I… really don’t want to be alone right now.” God, she hated how small her voice sounded at the moment. “Please.” "Goddamn it, Hel. Just... Just get yer ass over here. We'll figure this out, baby. Don't stop anywhere, you hear me? Just come on." "I'll be right over." "Let yourself in, I'll be in the shower. I need to wake up a little." "Okay. Be there in a few." She hung up and began throwing things into a duffel bag. Clothes, laptop, chargers, a few assorted weapons... and a stake, hammer, and Holy water.

Just in case.

Gen's apartment was only ten minutes away, but it was the longest ten minutes of Hel's life. Her entire body hurt, and she was so tired and hungry. But she was hungry for real food, so she supposed that was a good sign.

The door was unlocked, as promised. Hel waited in the living room, listening to the quiet hum of the refrigerator and the ticking clock and the sound of running water in Gen's bathroom. She must have dozed off because the next thing she knew, she was being yanked up off the couch and squeezed within an inch of her life. “Gen,” she wheezed, “I can’t breathe.”

Gen relaxed her grip a little and pressed a soft kiss to Hel's lips. “What can I do? Are you hungry? I… I think I might know a cure, if you haven't fed yet." Her eyes widened. "Shit, am I makin' you hungry?"

And just like that, Hel felt worlds better. She’d gotten a kiss from the most important person in her life- and just how that had happened, she would never know- so of course everything was okay. As horrible as her situation was, as long as Gen was here, she’d be alright. She shook her head. "No. I mean, I am hungry, but for food. No blood cravings yet." "Go take a shower, then. You stink, babe. I'll fix you something to eat."

Hel got some clean clothes out of her bag and went into the bathroom to clean up. The hot water relaxed some of her aches and pains away, and she felt distinctly more human when she got out. Her mind was a bit more clear, at least.

Gen had heated up some chicken and pesto pasta, which Hel dug into right away. She really had been starving, it had been way too long since she had eaten anything. It occurred to her that she had no idea what day it even was, so for all she knew it had been more than 24 hours since she had put food in her face.

The gravity of the situation hung in the air like a thick fog. Hel sighed as she finished her food. "So, about that cure..." "I know a few, actually. It'll take some doing, but I can get everything together in a few days. I just gotta go to my specialist." Hel nodded. "And if... If it doesn't work?" "Don't you talk like that. It will work. Something will." "Gen, sweetheart, you know that-" "No!" Her eyes blazed with anger. "Don't you dare say it. Let's try the cure first, at least." "Baby." Hel reached across the kitchen counter and grabbed Gen's hands. "Please promise me you'll do it, if. If I turn." Gen shook her head, silent tears rolling down her cheeks. "N-no, I can't..." "If you won't, then please promise me you'll get someone else to. Call Sam, I'm sure he-" "Why're you doing this? Why can't you just try to... to..." "I'm bad enough, Gen, don't let me be a monster for real." "But... But you're not..!" "I will be." "You can't ask me, I-I can't..." She was sobbing openly now. Hel went around the kitchen island and pulled Gen into an embrace. She felt horrible for upsetting the other woman, but this was something that needed to be dealt with. Immediately, since there was no way of knowing how long she had before the blood cravings would set in.

Cupping Gen's face in her hands, she forced the other woman to meet her gaze. "Genevieve O'Hara, you can and you will. I know you can, because it's the right thing. And if you can't then you will get someone else to. You got that?" Gen only nodded, still crying. "Good." She pressed a kiss to the top of Gen's head, and then immediately cursed herself because she cut her lip on her new teeth. "Goddamn it, I hope these things retract soon." "Only you would cut yourself on your own teeth." Gen gave Hel a watery smile. "Come on, let's get that cleaned up."

+++

Every known cure they could find, they tried. Nothing worked.

They might have had a chance if they’d found the vampire that bit Hel, but he had disappeared. The traditional cure would have worked for sure but you can’t ingest blood from someone you can’t catch.

Gen didn't seem to want to accept this, but Hel had already contacted Sam and asked him to do the job. She was starting to get cravings, and every day it got harder to ignore them. Eventually, she wouldn't be able to, and she wasn't going to let herself get to that point.

Her last night was spent with Gen, soaking up the last little bit of happiness she could. The next day, Sam would be there. They'd already planned everything out; when Gen went off to work, he would come and. Well.

In any case, she was ready for it. She had written a letter for Gen, saying goodbye. It was the least she could do.

Baby doll-

Please understand why I did this. Every day it's been getting harder to ignore the cravings, and the last thing in the world I want is to hurt you. From the first night, I kept a stake and a hammer nearby where you could get to them. I hid so many bottles of Holy water I doubt you’ll ever stop finding them, like weird little Easter eggs.

You were the only good thing in my life. I couldn't stand the thought of condemning you to this fate. It's not just the cravings, everything starts to hurt. You feel yourself dying, slowly. You eat, but you're never satisfied. You can't sleep anymore. Sunlight doesn't burn like it does in the movies, but it feels a bit like you've got a chemical peel on you 24/7. It's very odd to know you're getting stronger but you feel sicker than you ever have in your entire life.

And please don't be mad at Sam. I asked him for this. It was the right thing to do, and I hope that if you don't know that now, you at least see it later on.

I love you.

Ever since I went full-time at my job, it’s been really hard for me to find the energy to do anything I enjoy. I don’t read much anymore, I don’t make jewelry, I barely can focus on video games or YouTube videos... All of my hobbies have been absorbed by work.

For the last several months, I’ve been so focused on getting my surgery and getting better and paying my bills (which isn’t going so well, with my shitty wages) and working that I haven’t been able to enjoy anything. They’ve got me basically running a store by myself (not even my home store) and resetting it with little to no help from anyone because the manager got fired and it takes for-fucking-ever to hire anyone with this company. I am doing the best I can and it’s not good enough for anybody. I could somehow manage to figure out how to levitate and they would just demand to know why I can’t fly. I come home at night tired and in almost as much pain as I was before.

I am crying as I type this because I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to give up but I’ve lost all my creativity at this point. I used to be artistic and at least a little interesting, and now the only way I know how to be “creative” is putting things up on a shelf and it kills me to know that that’s all I am now. I’m just another wage slave, killing myself doing this job I hate for shit pay because I can’t find anything better. I know my friends and family all hate talking to me because all I ever have to talk about is work, because that’s all I fucking have going on in my life. What happened to me? I used to write stories in my head all the time, but now it’s all just white noise.

I know I wasn’t the most active on this blog so I doubt that many people would miss me if I just deleted, but I hate the idea of just leaving this behind when I loved it so much. I hate that stress and depression are killing the things I love and taking away everything that used to help with my stress and depression. I’ve had to give up so many things because of my health, including two careers that I was very enthusiastic about, and if I just roll over and let this go, too... there isn’t going to be much left.

Which seems so silly from the outside, but when I started thinking about my age in relation to my life and accomplishments and goals... I just spiraled. I've got friends that are younger than me, or who were once HUGE fuckups, who've got their shit together more than I do and I know it makes me a petty, awful human being but at times like this I feel resentful as Hell. Why haven't I got the awesome job and the amazing partner? Oh right, because everything I do somehow turns to shit and nobody likes me. Silly me, how could I forget.

It's not helping that I am BROKE AS HELL until after I get back to work, and my hospital bills are starting to come in... The one for the anesthesiologists alone is nearly $1400. I shudder to think what I'm going to wind up paying overall, because I only have about $300 to my name and a $200 car insurance bill coming due in a few days. And then my $90 phone bill. And a $40 copay for a doctor's visit on the 16th so I can get released to go back to work. And that's to say nothing of food and putting gas in my car.

I mean, he was nice and everything. I liked talking to him. But... no. I couldn't be less interested.

The worst thing is I'm struggling to dodge their (VERY pointed) comments about how nice he was and how interesting he was... Like, yeah, he was nice and it's always interesting to talk to someone who grew up in another culture. But that's all there was to it for me.

If I thought they would remotely understand (or even try to understand) I would just go ahead and tell them I'm asexual so could they PLEASE STOP SAYING THIS SHIT TO ME because it's weird. But since neither of them would bother to try wrapping their heads around it, I'm stuck.

It's not like there are reasons I'm not in a relationship anyway. Such as:

1. I've been slogging through depression since I was 12 and I'm not in any fit emotional state to add someone else's problems to that.

2. I'm trying to get my life and my career going.

3. I don't tend to like people very much so it's rare for me to wind up with a friend, let alone anyone I would even dream of dating.

4. I have literally zero experience with relationships.

5. I work full-time in a job I hate and I haven't got much to say outside of that.

I could name more but you get the idea.