when you seek me with all your heart...

Hello Dear,

Thanks for sharing. :]

Some thoughts of my own: 1. Don’t be too hard on yourself- honestly…you’re at the age where the chemicals in your brain and body are strong and raging and you’ll still have a lot of questions and learning to go through no matter what.

2. I’ve had my fair share of what you’ve described. The fear and the fantasy of being with someone and then being slapped in the face of the reality that the other person is actually “with” someone else. I remember being sad and confused a lot. Pride hurt. Lonely. I think this was a strong pattern for me since…Middle school. So like…I’d go for…3-4 years at a time fantasizing about someone, writing them post cards, chatting online with them on occasion until I’d see a picture of them with a girl.

But I also remember thinking- I want someone who really “Likes” me and that I’m physically attracted to. There’s lots of layers of all these things.

But. Again. The desire for relationship and to be loved is not bad. God created us this way. He created us to desire deep, holy connection that manifests in sex, in friendship, in family love, in fellowship. And the best kinds of relationships in your life are the ones where many parts of you are seen truly and lovingly and strengthened into the best versions of what they’re supposed to be. The desire to be loved only turns ugly when its sole purpose is only for your glorification and fulfillment. The desire to be loved and to love someone becomes ugly when we put all our hope in a future relationship.

Our hope is Jesus. Our true beauty and fulfillment and love can be found in Jesus. And the way we can see Jesus is when we sit in front of him and let him love us. And in turn, may his love empower you to do brave, good things no matter where you are. If you want a brave person full of love for Jesus where you can serve with them and adventure with them- practice being that sort of person first. Practice bravery. Practice being full of Love (Jesus). And in a sense…being full of Love-Jesus- is just being present and doing good work and giving some time to your family and friends and taking care of your body.

You will date in the future. And there are some good things you can do to prepare for dating. Grow in your character. Seek God and ask him about his purpose and how that will play out in your life. With those two good things, your heart will be a more fertile and healthy ground ready to give and receive love from another person.

One step at a time.

Also-this is an orange tree sapling.

 Would you yell at this plant for not producing oranges? Nope. (If you did I would think you’re crazy)

You’d understand that it needs time to grow. It needs rain, soil, sun, weeding and nurturing. And when it’s the right time, it will bear fruit.

“Have the dreams stopped?”

He’s wearing his green shirt and ripped blue jeans that smell of coffee and manure.

It’s Friday afternoon, the lunch crowd has left the café, and we are sitting on a faded blue couch that faces Main Street. The electric tram rumbles past and various figures whisper on the street corner. Occasionally hands will furtively shoot out like slight birds, landing on arms or shoulders. I wish I was outside, leaning against a brick wall and smelling the sunshine.

“I think they’ve stopped…they come and go,” I reply, running my finger along the thin line of my silver necklace.

“What are you dreaming about then?”

“I’m filled with dead weight. The same dream again and again of fog, ocean water, and a tide that never moves.”

“What’s one bright moment?”

“Reading an adventure and sleeping late.”

“Here. Drink this once a week.” He places a bottle of green pills into my hand. The label reads, ‘Warmth'.

The Saturday sun sets, I clink my silver spoon against my white and blue bowl full of rice and vegetables. I hear her shuffling steps and her voice greeting someone on her phone. “Hello? Is that you my dear? I tried calling your mother earlier but she didn’t pick up. Anyways, I wanted to let you know that P is getting married next week.” I pause. Next week. Friday. It will be Good Friday. What an interesting day to get married. “And it’s going to be a combination. Engagement and wedding all in one go. I’m just a guest though.”

Mom asks, “Oh…is there a reason why it’s not going to be at church? Is the girl a Christian…?” I pause my chewing to ponder. The man talking is my great uncle. P is his youngest son. P is the son of the second wife after he left his first wife. P is distant and disconnected from all his older brothers and sisters that my great uncle had from his first marriage. I remember P. Strong, affectionate memories of watching anime with him. Liking very much his kindness and space for me and my siblings when we came to visit him in Oz that one summer a lifetime ago.

My great uncle answers, “Yes, yes. She is a Christian…” And proceeds to give an explanation about how the girl is Christian and her parents are Christian professors.

My mom puts down the phone. There is a bit of silence. “P is getting married?”

“yes…”