Heartbreak Project

I’m still in love with her

She and I talk for hours on the phone

I hope everyday that something will switch

That she’ll notice the things I’m doing

And start to feel the stirrings of romance towards me

She is always commenting and viewing my posts

We text at 11 pm

I sometimes wish I knew what she was thinking

But mostly don’t want to know

In case it was nothing about me

Or worse

It’s the same as it was

An amazing friend and nothing at all more

And we’ll be gay but not together

I had my mind on her on my own

But when I looked back up

Everybody else was gone

So I resolve to make new friends

Someone tell me to quit my head

And help me forget it

Yeah

What's the worst that could happen

The end summer and I'm still in love with her

I said

Forget it

You are a breath of fresh air

A cool breeze in the sweltering greenhouse of my life

A beautiful vision, your gentle smile

Your face framed by your long red and brown hair

You look so soft

I want to pull you in by your sweatshirt and hold you close to me

You’re the source of my deepest longings and desires

And the cause of the pain that wracks my tired heart

Maybe this poem is too dramatic

But I feel dramatic about you

I don’t know how I’m going to get over you

Every conversation I have with you leaves me wanting more

You’re brilliant- I love to hear your opinion on everything

I want to hear your opinions on the whole world

And all the things in it, great and terrible

Why’d you have to break my heart?

I would’ve retrieved the moon for you if you wanted it

I saw you in a dream, you stayed the same

You were beckoning me, said that I had changed

Tried to keep my eyes closed, I want you so bad

Then I awoke and it was so sad

And I know I meant nothing, nothing to you

But I thought I meant something, something, something

But I just said nothing, said nothing, said nothing

Sat and watched you drive away

Oh, I just said nothing, said nothing, said nothing

I can't think of anyone, anyone else

I can't think of anyone, anyone else

I can't think of anyone, anyone else

I won't think of anyone else

You were a beautiful vision

Looking so effortlessly cool in your flannel

Your long brown hair up

You were laughing

I could watch you laugh and smile forever

We joked about everyday things

Trying to make things normal

But every second I want you so badly

Want to find the magic combination of things

That’ll somehow make you want me too

But I know it’s a lost cause

I hate to think of another girl or guy holding you

Could they even love you like I do?

We texted that night

Talked for a long time

All I want is to see your name light up my phone screen

Although the sadness hits me a few seconds after the excitement

Will this pain ever fade?

So please don't love someone, like I do you

My therapist told me I can't whisper your name in the dark

I'm lonely, but it's not me humming in your heart

I can't keep getting sober just to fall apart

But she don't know what it's like

My mama said I need to learn to let you go

Don't wanna, throwing temper tantrums on the floor

One day, I will stop falling in love with you

Some day, someone will like me like I like you

Until then, I'll drink my coffee, eat my pie

Pretend that we are more than friends

Then, of course, I'll let you break my heart again

You’re gay but not for me I guess

I’m very gay for you

Every time we talk I want to gently hold your face

Tip your head towards mine and kiss you passionately

I see you wearing your blue fleece, and I wonder what it would feel like pressed up against my body

Your long brown hair brushing against my skin

I imagine your hands in places I’d blush to mention

Finally giving me the relief I’m desperate for

I can hear your voice, like rain after a drought

If only that voice could tell me the words I need

We get coffee downtown and sit on the stone steps

I play with the fallen leaves that gather around me

I could listen to you talk for hours

About dogs, about life, about anything

I notice the green glint in your eyes

It traps me there, leaving me unable to look away

usually I notice your nose ring

The October sunlight framing your face

I try not to stare at your lips

God I want to kiss you so badly

I try to not be obvious or flustered

Am I obvious?

My friends say no

I don’t know how I am possibly holding it together

But I am quiet

So I can hear anything and everything you have to say

I want to know your innermost thoughts

Your history, what you hope for dearly

I want to know your wounds and your joys

You’re one of the smartest people I know

I wonder how someone so beautiful can exist