Jess('s) Page

I don't have to think too far back to remember a time I believed I was better off dead. I never tried, but the thought was always there, like a niggling rot in my ears. I hurt myself to feel control, at times where nothing went the way I needed it to. So much chaos won but there was always hope.

Hope prevailed. Hope opened windows when doors slammed and shone like distant candles in darkness. Hope always found a way.

But as I got older, hope was replaced by sheer determination. I stopped relying on hope and luck to get me through and I got me through instead.

Determination got me a haemophilia diagnosis to explain what was wrong with me. And a great bigger deal of determination got me medication to control it. Determination broke through a chronic pain syndrome, and determination plays rugby. I am physically the strongest I have ever been and I have so much further to go.

Determination has got me out of abusive relationships I never should have got myself into and determination is trying to build up confidence that they destroyed. I am emotionally stronger than I have ever been, despite the weakness I know is still there and may always be.