Heartbeats and Rainstorms

"If we are not on top of things, then everything will fall on top of us."

I'm fairly certain that at various points in the past I neither loved myself nor had any sense of self-worth. So I'm not sure where this came from, or when it came to exist, but I'm fairly certain that this is the biggest reason that I'm still managing to power through life these past several months without completely breaking

But for now, my kitchen is the cleanest it's been in months, I've cooked myself actual meals today, I've almost cleared off my table so maybe I'll be able to eat at a table like a normal person, and there are a few other things I could do tonight that could make additional improvements, and I both know that they're easy and think they'll actually feel easy.

2023 has been a trip, and not in a even sort of positive way, and I don't think I've ever had a year that has been as bad for my mental and physical health. And it's been professionally shit too. I'm not one to wish time away, but at this point all I can do is push through the last couple weeks of this year and hope that 2024 might be an improvement.

if you show up in the ER saying you've had multiple episodes of an arrhythmia for at least 8 years, have correctly identified it yourself, and saying that no, you have not ever had it worked up or sought any kind of medical attention for it, most of the people taking care of you will NOT want to believe you.

Not taking good care of myself apparently exacerbates a cardiac issue that I've been deliberately ignoring/self-treating/pretending doesn't exist for the past many years. I've been increasingly concerned about potential failure of my usual mitigation strategies over the past 1.5 years or so. Well, that happened recently, earning me an ambulance ride to the hospital, an overnight stay, and a lot of shade being thrown at me pretty much every other doctor taking care of me. Cannot blame them for the shade, though. I absolutely earned that shade and probably would have done the same in their position.

So uh... that is probably part of the fatigue issue.

It was like...dude, we work in the same broken system, I'm just doing what I wish everyone would do and making separate appointments for separate discussions

Trying to figure out how to recover from the burnout to even begin to be able to sort out the rest.

Do I need a second bike? I've decided that answer is yes. Do I want a full on commuter bike (fenders, not built to be particularly speedy so more upright positioning/more of a stepthrough frame, rack/basket/panniers for transporting stuff), or a road bike that I retrofit the standard commuter things onto? Or do I keep searching the online listings for what I think would be the perfect solution (i.e. an older road bike which has had the retrofitting done already). Really hoping option 3 falls into my lap, but bikes go fast, and most of them seem to be too big for me anyway.

Change my mind.

I think the recipient still caught on that I had Opinions.

But shit...when they arrive at a diagnosis that doesn't even begin to make sense to me based on the history I got or that wasn't on my radar, it makes me feel like I must be an idiot or losing my damn mind