Different types of Covert Abusers
I have very little sense of reciprocity. Do not inconvenience me in any way.
Don’t make demands on me. I am often less controlling than others as long as my needs are being met on my terms.
When I am generous and supportive, it’s because I feel like it.
I exaggerate and overvalue my own contributions.
If I’m unhappy about any aspect of my life, whether it has to do with our relationship or not, it’s your fault.
I think I am a very loving and giving and you’re lucky to have me.
You should not place demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give.
I think I am above criticism.
“You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing.”
I can easily convince other people that you’re the one who is messed up.
As long as I’m calm, you can’t call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.
I know exactly how to get under your skin.
I am soft spoken, gentle and supportive - when I am not being abusive.
I love the language of feelings, I openly share my insecurities, my fears, and my emotional injuries.
I present myself to women as an ally in the struggle against sex-role limitations. Most women think I am a dream come true.
When your feelings are hurt I will tell you “No one can hurt you unless you let them”, “It’s all in the attitude you take in life.” instead of genuine support for your feelings.
With the passing of time, I cast the blame on you for anything I am dissatisfied with.
I will start to exhibit a mean side that no one else ever sees and may become threatening and intimidating
I’m against the macho men, so I think I couldn’t be abusive.
As long as I seem nice to everyone else, no one is going to believe that I am mistreating you.
Women should be grateful to me for not being like those other men
I often tell persuasive stories about how I was abused by my former partner. I will maneuver you into hating them.
I will tell you my ex-partner was focused on power and control, disrespected me and always had to have their own way. In a few years, I will say the same things about you.
I often claim to be victimized by you, my boss, my parents, my neighbors, my friends etc.
When you accuse me of being abusive, you are joining the barrage of people who have been cruel and unfair to me. It proves you’re just like the rest.
I believe I’ve had it so hard that I’m not responsible for my actions
I believe I am not responsible for my actions because of my psychological, substance etc. problems.
If you challenge me about my abusiveness, I think you are being mean to me, considering these other problems I have. It also shows that you don’t understand my other problems.
If you challenge me, it will trigger my addiction or mental illness, and I’ll hold you responsible for what I do.
source: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
