Everyone around me seems to have so many reasons to live whereas I don’t have a single one
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@head-spinning-mind-empty
Everyone around me seems to have so many reasons to live whereas I don’t have a single one

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why does feeling depressed bring me peace? why do i always come back to my lowest point just because it’s familiar?
I forced myself into bite size pieces, rounded the edges just for you, and i was still too much ...
Existence feels like a debt I never agreed to, but somehow, I’m stuck paying the price every day. I didn't ask to be brought into this world and I keep trying to get out..
My mind feels like a locked room, and every time I think I’ve found the key, the walls shift and I’m lost again.

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Loving you taught me that heartbreak doesn’t kill you—it leaves you alive enough to feel every piece of yourself falling apart.
In the stillness of the night, as I lay my head down to rest, a heavy, familiar weight settles over my chest—a relentless pressure, quietly reminding me that I am not at peace here. No matter how desperately I try to distract myself, I am always drawn back to this unshakable truth. I will never be happy on this earth.
I am the one thing in everyone’s life that drags them down.
Imagine this: right now, they’re living their life without a second thought about you, and they’re not wondering if you’re okay. The love you poured into them, every small gesture, every night you stayed up late comforting them, every part of yourself you gave—they’ve let it all go. The memories that keep you up at night, the moments you replay in your head, don’t carry the same weight for them. They’ve probably moved on in ways you don’t even want to imagine.
What hurts most, though, is that if they truly valued what you shared, they wouldn’t have left you questioning your worth, feeling incomplete and shattered. They wouldn’t have made you feel this way. You loved them deeply, but if they’d loved you back with the same depth, you wouldn’t be here wondering what you did wrong or why you weren’t enough.
Holding onto them is like holding onto an illusion. The person you’re longing for doesn’t exist anymore—maybe they never did.
Sometimes I look back at who I was as a kid, hoping to find some trace of innocence, something good that could remind me I wasn’t always this way. But all I see is a mess—a selfish, thoughtless, reckless kid who only made things worse. I think about the times I made my parents worry, the times I hurt people I cared about without a second thought. I was always falling short, always disappointing someone, always screwing up.
It’s like there’s this thread running through my life, starting from those early days and winding right up to who I am now. Nothing’s changed. I thought growing up would make things better, that somehow I’d just…figure it out. But here I am, still the same fuck-up I was back then, stumbling through life, leaving wreckage behind me. I hate that I can’t seem to outgrow that part of me, that no matter what I do, I still end up making the same mistakes, disappointing the same people, hurting myself over and over.
I wonder if I was always meant to end up this way, if this is just who I am and who I’ll always be. And that thought—the idea that I’ll never be anything more than this—fills me with a kind of hopelessness I can’t shake. I feel trapped, like I’ve been doomed from the start, and I can’t help but despise myself for it.

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Felt like I needed to repeat this and emphasize it:
Sometimes I feel like I’ll collapse under the weight of all these feelings, like I’ll shatter from carrying this all alone. But then I think of the guilt I’d feel if I let them see even a piece of it. So I stay quiet, keep it hidden, and try to convince myself that I don’t need comfort, that I’m strong enough to handle this alone.
It’s this cold, gnawing fear that sits deep inside me. No matter what I do, how hard I push, it’s like I’m walking in place. Every time I try to climb out, the ground beneath me just falls away. I look around, desperate to see a way forward, some sign that things will change, that I won’t be here forever—stuck in the same patterns, the same endless cycle. But the horizon stays empty, stretching out, taunting me.
There’s this dread creeping up on me that maybe this is my life, maybe this is as far as I go. That no matter how much I struggle or fight, nothing will ever truly change. It’s like fate is holding me down, and I’m terrified that I’m not strong enough to break free. How long can I keep fighting this? I feel my strength slipping, but what’s the alternative? Surrender?
I want to believe there’s a way out, that one day I’ll look back and realize I did it—I escaped. But right now, it feels like I’m trapped in a story that’s already been written, and I’m the only one who didn’t get the script.
i don’t want to live like this. i only exist at this point. all i do is distract my mind so i don’t kill myself
"Are you ok?" I'm actually tired bro. From the bottom of my heart I'm tired
There’s this heavy ache inside me, this desperate need for someone to hold me, just to make all of this feel lighter, even for a moment. I crave comfort so deeply, it’s like a hunger gnawing at me. But every time I think about reaching out, even just saying something, I freeze. The thought of someone else carrying this weight with me feels wrong, selfish. Other people have their own problems, real struggles that they’re fighting through every day. They don’t need to carry mine, too.
I keep telling myself it’s better this way, that staying silent is the right thing to do. My depression is my mess—it’s mine to manage, mine to live with, not something to spill over onto the people around me. I don’t want to see pity in their eyes, or worse, to feel like I’m a burden they’re just enduring. So I force myself to keep it inside, to smile, to tell them I’m fine even when I’m breaking apart.
Sometimes I feel like I’ll collapse under the weight of it, like I’ll shatter from carrying this all alone. But then I think of the guilt I’d feel if I let them see even a piece of it. So I stay quiet, keep it hidden, and try to convince myself that I don’t need comfort, that I’m strong enough to handle this alone.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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please im so tired im just so fucking tired please just stop can everything stop im so tired im begging can it all stop