love yourself

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”

I wonder if there will come a day when I do not measure my worth by the depth of the indents your fingertips have left on my hips. I dream of the moment I realize that although men look at me the same way they see the deli aisle at the supermarket, I am not a package to be held and ripped apart at your convenience. I fantasize about the feeling of freedom I will one day own as I step out of the shower and stare myself in the mirror and scream that my skin is no longer a prison that I must try to escape from. On my worst days, you are underneath each layer of dirt that I can never scrub hard enough away. You are the blood that runs down the drains as I tell myself that this is what being clean means. It is only when all my cells have been stripped from my aching core that I can say nobody has seen me naked. I regret the men that I have allowed to undress me without first telling them the way Christmas day haunts me the way children see monsters lurking in the corners of their darkened bedrooms. I regret the men that I have allowed to run their nails down my spine without first letting them understand that I have killed myself in my mind time and time again. I regret the men that I have imagined myself loving without ever doing so. I wonder if there will come a day when I do not see myself as this pile of bones stacked on top of mistakes - the skeleton in the closets of all of the men who have never stayed around long enough to know that the memory of me will be the hardest part of getting out of bed every day.

If you hurt today, I will tell you of the ways I have hurt before. I will tell you the sound a heart makes when it shatters; a rock thrown against a windshield at two hundred miles per hour. I will tell you of the way the last candle smelled when it burnt out; because smoke may be sweet but it will suffocate you if you breathe in too long. I will tell you of the way his hands felt against my throat; can you still call it love if it is trying to kill you? If you hurt today, I will tell you of the ways I have survived. I will tell you of the stitches and scars and the smile you catch in the corner of your eye at the last second before you turn away. I will tell you of the way baths no longer sting; you will know that even your skin loves you enough to hold itself together. But most importantly, I will tell you of the way that it no longer feels as if the Earth is trying to pull you down through its core when you place one foot in front of the other; you are going somewhere and even the smallest steps will take you there.

The growth begins with your hands. Relax your fists. This is not the time to fight back. This is the moment you touch hearts gently. It starts at your fingertips.

I need that “text me when you get home so I know you’re safe” kind of love, that “did you eat something today” kind of love, that “I know you have it in you to shower today” kind of love, that “please buckle up, it’s the law” kind of love, that “I know you have bad habits but I’m not one of them” kind of love.

How is it possible That the moment your breath meets mine, My lungs become so clear

If you hurt today, I will tell you of the ways I have hurt before. I will tell you the sound a heart makes when it shatters; a rock thrown against a windshield at two hundred miles per hour. I will tell you of the way the last candle smelled when it burnt out; because smoke may be sweet but it will suffocate you if you breathe in too long. I will tell you of the way his hands felt against my throat; can you still call it love if it is trying to kill you? If you hurt today, I will tell you of the ways I have survived. I will tell you of the stitches and scars and the smile you catch in the corner of your eye at the last second before you turn away. I will tell you of the way baths no longer sting; you will know that even your skin loves you enough to hold itself together. But most importantly, I will tell you of the way that it no longer feels as if the Earth is trying to pull you down through its core when you place one foot in front of the other; you are going somewhere and even the smallest steps will take you there.