honey

I have no memory of what it felt like to give birth to you, your first few weeks here, holding you. Nothing. I know I was there and I was doing it all but you’re 1.5 yrs old now and when people ask me about you as a baby, I always get sad. Because I don’t remember that time of your life or mine. I was battling postpartum depression, own personal issues, etc.

I look back at the few pictures and videos I have and thank god they’re there. It’s been about a year since then and I wish I could go back and have a redo. There are so many things I wish I did differently. I didn’t have a clear mind and I wish I was a better person and mom during that time.

When you get older and can understand, I’ll explain it. It won’t change anything but maybe when you have your babies you’ll give the mother of your child some grace because it truly was the worst time of my life. You are an angel on earth and I am so blessed to be your mommy but that time of my life felt like I was in a constant state of drowning. I think back to it and have tears in my eyes of the way I felt about myself, about you, about those around me. It was a very dark time.