we've got a lot of problems

I wet a paper towel with some cold water, dabbing at my cheeks and eyes and being careful not to ruin my makeup as I did so. I exited the bathroom, looking down as I made my way back to my seat. I felt myself bump into a tall chest and muttered an apology before a cold hand gripped my arm. 

"Are you okay?" His words were spoken softly, the music quiet enough for me to hear him. 

"Fine," I attempted. "Where did-"

"She left." He began walking towards our seats. "Her boyfriend came to pick her up.” 

"I’m sorry." I mustered as much sympathy I could manage before trying to step around him. 

"You know we're not together, right? We only came as friends."

I nodded slightly, unbelieving, before grabbing my friends hand and pulled her up to dance. 

"Come on." I laughed when she refused to get up, and she giggled behind me, finally letting me drag her to the dance floor.

11 PM.

Exhausted, I put on my heels, ready to leave for the night. I grabbed my keys and my friend, making sure I was okay to drive before walking out the door. 

I felt a cold hand on my arm and turned expecting to find a very drunk blonde grabbing at me. Instead, I watched her walk back inside. He stood too close to me, and I stopped in my tracks before I ran into him. 

"What are you doing?" I pulled my arm from his grasp. "Go back inside, you're drunk." 

"I haven't had a drink all night." He stepped closer to me and I backed away, finding my back pressed against a wall. He didn't take another step, aware of my clear discomfort. "We were only-"

"I get it, you were only there as friends." I pulled myself away from the wall and began to walk away, but he stopped me again, with his hips this time, pushing me farther back against the wall. My breath came in shorter gasps, and I didn't know whether to be scared or hopeful. He hesitated a second before leaning down, and I felt his lips brush against mine, asking for permission. I pulled away, and he backed up.

“You used to like me like this,” he breathed, his eyes a little disappointed. 

"Used to. But as you've clearly pointed out multiple times tonight, we're just friends." 

He took another step closer, and my heart sped up as his left hand moved to cup my cheek. "And what if I don't want that anymore?"

************************************************************************************* "I'm just confused," he had said, and I could feel my heart breaking as he let go of my hand. "And I don't want to drag this out and hurt you." Tears welled up in my eyes as I turned away from him. "Please, stay my friend. I can't lose you, not like this."

*************************************************************************************

"I can't..." I started. His expression made me falter. He looked truly heartbroken. I took a deep breath and tried again. "I can't enter something that I know is going to end up hurting me more than walking away from you right now will." I felt the tears fall down my face, and he brushed his thumb across my cheek, wiping them away.

Stay awake. I had had a good life. Open your eyes. I’m not going to lie, not everything was going great at the moment, but…  Open your eyes Abbey. But I can't. I can't open my eyes. I try to pry them open, but I’m stuck, paralyzed. I don't know what’s happening, but I couldn't care, my head spinning in an intoxicating, relaxing way. I feel oddly detached from everything, but I hear people yelling, yelling my name, get up they’re saying. My eyes are glued shut I think, and I can't move at all. I feel like I should be in pain, yet I am not, an oddly numb feeling.

There is heat, lots of heat, searing heat and yet I am cold, so cold. I try opening my eyes again, managing to open them enough to see through a small gap in my lashes. I see people running, blurry, their movements choppy. There are flashing lights, people standing over me, screaming my name, but I can’t make their faces out. I see a girl’s figure standing over me, hear a familiar voice. Abbey, please. Her eyes are open! The voice says. Please, please just get up. Says another voice. I feel myself being lifted, moved, but can’t see where I’m going.

“You stay with us now,” I hear an unfamiliar voice say, and then everything goes black.

****************************************************************************************************

The next time I tried to open my eyes, I was met with no resistance. But when I opened them, all I saw was white. It was disturbing being the only color I could see, and my eyes hurt from straining to see something in the blankness. I sat up from where I was lying on the floor, looking forward and trying to discern the difference between the floor and the… space.

Standing, I looked down at myself, noticing for the first time the hospital gown that covered my torso. I grabbed at it, hoping the fabric could give me an answer as I tugged it. I raised my hands to my head, attempting to run them through my short hair before realizing there was none. None?

I was bald. My fingers brushed against my scalp, bumping against rough stitches on the skin above my left temple.

I began to panic, my breaths coming in short gasps as I began to back away. What I was backing away from I don’t know, but I found myself stumbling backwards as my fingers gripped the gown so hard it ripped.

I was about to turn and run, somewhere, anywhere other than the blank, empty space I was confronted with, but suddenly I felt my back bump against something. Something cold and metal.

Of course it would be Dan’s luck to get appendicitis on Christmas eve, but Phil was determined not to let it ruin Dan’s Christmas. The elevator chimed and Phil lugged the wreath across the hallway, opening Dan’s door quietly and placing the wreath gently on the floor.

“Alright, just one more thing,” Phil grumbled to himself before bounding down the hallway and into the elevator. He arrived at the lobby and the lady at the front desk handed him a fairly large fake christmas tree, complete with lights and ornaments already attached.

“That’s the last one!” The receptionist smiled and waved to Phil as he walked back to the elevator one last time. “Merry christmas to both of you!”

“Thanks!” He called, tying tried to peer around the tree to find his way to the elevator. Though, he’d been back and forth so many times he could probably walk it blindfolded. “Oh, could you hold the door?” He called to the woman stepping into the only elevator going up.

“Loved one in the hospital for the holidays?” She asked, pressing the fifth floor number before motioning for Phil to tell her what floor he’s going to.

“Oh, third, thanks. And yeah, just trying to make this christmas as pleasant as possible for him.”

“Son or father?”

Phil wished the elevator would move faster, but the third floor was the next stop, so he hoped he could just ignore her until the elevator opened.

“Oh, boyfriend.” The elevator dinged and Phil rushed out of the elevator as quickly as he could. “Merry Christmas! To both of you! I hope he feels bet-” The elevator doors closed before she could get out the rest of her sentence.

Phil felt bad for too quickly judging the woman, but according to his watch he only had an hour and forty five minutes left. He placed the tree on the floor and then looked around the room at all the decorations he had to set up.

He decided to get the biggest out of the way first and put the tree on the table directly opposite the hospital bed, plugging it in and watching the lights turn on and twinkle. Phil then hung the wreath above the tree, adjusting the red bow and wayward branches.

Phil sighed as he looked at Dan sleeping, his face looking peaceful and too darn cute, Phil thought.

He picked up the lights and began stringing them around the room, letting them sag where he couldn’t quite reach or where there wasn’t something for him to stand on. He frowned at the loose lights, but knew he didn’t have time to fix it. He lit a red and a green candle on either side of the christmas tree, and then began stocking all of their presents beneath it, even the ones Dan had gotten Phil. Phil wanted them to have a proper christmas on christmas day, even if it was in a hospital.

Phil sat back to admire his work and then checked his watch. Hmm… just enough time to… If I hurry.

Phil sprinted down the hallway, throwing open the door to the stairwell because the elevator was going to take too long. He reached the hospital cafeteria and quickly made and paid for two large hot chocolates before sprinting back up the stairs.

He slid into Dan’s room and took his seat, placing Dan’s hot chocolate next to his bed and holding his in his hand, patiently waiting for Dan to wake up.

When Dan slowly started to open his eyes as the sedation wore off, Phil took his hand.

“Morning sleeping beauty,” Phil whispered, and Dan smiled.

“Mornin’”

“Merry christmas, love,” Phil responded, standing up to press a kiss to the other man’s forehead.

“Phil, you spoon,” Dan said as his eyes took in his room. “What did you do?”

“I brought christmas to you,” He smiled, pressing the hot chocolate into Dan’s hands as he sat up. Dan looked around the room, the lopsided wreath and the saggy lights and the sweetness in Phil’s smile was all so Phil, he couldn’t help but smile back up at his boyfriend.

“I love you, Phil.”

“I love you too, Daniel,” Phil smiled at Dan before turning around and tossing him a present. “Now, it’s christmas, so open your present.”

“Oh!” Kala fell forward as the door swung open and she crashed into the man standing in front of her. He caught her fall swiftly, one hand steadying her on her waist, the other reaching out to catch the pizza before it crashed to the floor. “I’m so sorry I just-” Kala stopped as she got a good look at the man in front of her. Her eyes widened in surprise and she quickly stepped away from him.

“I’m sorry I took so long to answer the door,” the man apologised. “I was in the shower and didn’t hear the buzzer.”

“I noticed,” Kala replied slowly, nodding at the towel wrapped around his waist. Kala wasn’t quite sure why she had been so startled by his appearance. It wasn’t the first time a customer had opened the door semi-nude. Though usually the scantily-clad ones weren’t quite as… well built as he was.

The man blinked his blue eyes at her and stepped away from the door. “I need to get your money. Please, wait inside and I’ll be right back.”

Kala smiled tightly at him as he closed the door behind her. She found herself pleasantly surprised by the poshness of his apartment - it was much nicer than what she had expected from such a dump of a building. For a moment, she wondered why a man with enough money to afford such expensive decoration would chose to reside in such a cheap apartment building. Perhaps he stole all of this, Kala thought jokingly. Perhaps he is not in fact as rich as his apartment makes him seem.

Kala was startled out of her thoughts when the man shouted from the kitchen. “Feel free to make yourself comfortable.”

“Comfortable?” Kala called back as she lowered herself onto the pristine white couch. She had to hold back a moan of surprise at how comfortable the couch felt and how soothing it was to finally be off her feet. “How long will it take to get my money?”

The man peered his head around the corner. “Longer than you think. I misplaced my wallet.”

Kala sighed. “Well don’t take too long finding it please. I have an exam in the morning.”

“Well I wouldn’t want you to miss that,” he joked as he returned to the kitchen.

Kala hummed in reply as she allowed herself to lean on the armrest of the couch. Every minute she stayed on the couch brought her closer to never wanting to get up.

Her eyes were just beginning to close when the man spoke again. “My name’s Wolfgang by the way.”

Kala laughed. “I know. It’s written on the order slip.”

She could just barely hear Wolfgang chuckle as she closed her eyes again. “Right,” he replied. “I knew that. I just wanted a reason to get your name.”

“It’s Kala,” she hummed as her body relaxed further into the couch. In the distance, she heard Wolfgang continue to speak to her, but the words were lost on her as the soothing sound of his German accent lulled her to sleep.

“Kala,” a voice called. Someone tenderly wrapped their hands around her shoulders, shaking her gently. “Kala,” the voice said again.

“Mmm,” Kala moaned. “Five more minutes.”

Wolfgang chuckled softly as she opened her eyes to find him just above her. He hadn’t bothered to get out of his towel into real clothes, not that Kala minded. His hands were still on her shoulders. He noticed this and immediately moved away, much to Kala’s dismay. “You should be going,” he whispered. “It’s very late and I wouldn’t want you to miss your exam tomorrow.” Kala sat up as he pressed a few bills into the palm of her hand, letting his fingers linger for just a moment.

“Thanks,” Kala breathed.

“Kala,” Wolfgang called out to her as she made for the door. Kala turned back to him.

“Yes?”

“It uh- it was nice meeting you,” he said slowly.

Kala smiled. “You too, Wolfgang.” She made sure to close the door as quietly as she could as she left.

As she walked down the stairs back to her car, Kala began to count the money. She unfolded the bills one by one until a small slip of paper slid from her grasp. A small “oh” slipped her lips as she threw her hand out to catch it, catching herself from falling in the process. She turned the notecard over in her hand, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips as she read a number in Wolfgang’s haphazard writing, a note scribbled beneath:

“Maybe next time we meet you won’t fall asleep.

Castiel’s heart jumped into his throat as the distinct clanging sound of the bunker door swinging open echoed throughout the library. He instinctively knew who it would be- Sam was gone to Nevada on a demon case with another hunter that Castiel could never seem to remember the name of, something starting with an R maybe? His heart pounded as his feet padded quickly up the cold metal stairs to meet Dean at the door. Of course, Castiel wasn’t surprised to see Dean in the state he was in. Not even flinching as he looked Dean over, taking in the habitual tired hunch of his shoulders, the various gashes that dusted his face and arms, and the ragged tears in the man’s deep green overcoat. Castiel almost felt bad for a moment as he realized that the only emotion he had felt was relief. Relief that Dean had returned alive instead of being found days later rotting next to the corpse he had set out to salt and burn. Neither of the men said a word as Castiel gently led Dean through the maze of hallways in the bunker until they reached the kitchen. Castiel’s skin burned where Dean’s arm was lazily slung over his shoulder, his fingertips brushing softly against Castiel’s arm as he half carried him down the hall. It was abundantly clear that his injuries had not simply been skin deep as Castiel noticed Dean greatly favoring his right leg. He could almost feel the pain radiating off of Dean, his lips pressed so tightly together they had turned white. Castiel smoothly dropped down when they reached the counter, twisting out of Dean’s grip as he let the man lean back onto the edge of the counter. Habitually, Castiel threw his arm out, leaning towards Dean as he began to press two shaking fingers to his head.

“Wait,” Dean murmured, weakly pressing a blood stained hand on Castiel’s chest. Castiel froze, his fingers hovering just over Dean’s forehead. He tried to steady his breathing as best he could, hoping desperately that Dean couldn’t feel how quickly his heart was beating beneath his calloused fingertips.

“What is it, Dean?” Castiel’s voice cracked, a sound he had become accustomed to hearing in the past few days whenever he spoke to Dean. “I’m just healing you. The pain will be gone in a moment. You know that.”

“No, Cas,” Dean said, his voice hoarse. “I don’t want you to heal me. Please.”

Castiel squinted at Dean, letting his arm drop awkwardly back to his side. “Why wouldn’t you want me to help you? I’ve done it before.”

“I know you have. It’s not that it’s,” Dean trailed off.

“It’s what, Dean? What’s wrong?”

“Your grace. It’s fading. I don’t need you using it up to heal me. There are better things you can use it to do.”

“But I want to use my grace to heal you. That’s what I do.”

Dean smiled weakly at Castiel, his green eyes crinkling at the corners the way they always did when he looked at Castiel. “I’m sure you do, Cas. But save it. Let me heal the human way, okay?”

Castiel couldn’t look into Dean’s eyes as he nodded, feeling even more useless than usual. Suddenly, his hands felt cumbersome and his fingertips felt as if they didn’t belong to his own body. He stepped away from Dean, his heart still beating angrily in his chest as he sat down at the head of the table, his back to Dean. He slid his fingers along the surface of the table for a moment, watching small trails of condensation form on the cold steel. What could Castiel do to help if he didn’t have enough grace left to be of any use to anyone? What would he do when his grace was finally gone, leaving him fully human and helpless in the eyes of his friends? No, Castiel thought, even the words in his head had a hard edge to them. I won’t let myself become useless. I can’t do that to Dean.

The chair groaned loudly as Castiel stood abruptly, not even bothering to catch it as it wobbled beneath him, crashing loudly to the floor. Castiel flinched only slightly at the sound as he spun on his heel, rounding the corner into the hallway as fast as he could. He ignored the confused remarks Dean threw at him from the kitchen as he bounded down the hall, the hood on his sweatshirt bouncing softly behind him. The first-aid kit was balanced precariously atop a pile of unused toilet paper rolls beneath the sink. Cas vaguely recalled Dean throwing it there after burning himself while attempting to cook himself an omelette. Cas grabbed it and spun out of the bathroom, sliding back down the hall on his socks until he reached the kitchen where Dean was still holding himself up on the edge of the counter. Cas set the box down on the table next to Dean and opened it. He studied the labels on everything inside the box, searching for what he might need. He threw the burn cream and a glow stick aside, letting the plastic containers clatter loudly when they hit the table and kept rummaging through the box until he found everything he wanted.

Castiel wasn’t quite sure where to start. He had never had the need to use such mundane methods of healing before. He was almost astounded at how many products had been invented to improve the healing process, though then again, he had always admired how intelligent and observant humans were. Dean hadn’t said a word since Cas had returned to the kitchen, choosing rather to sit quietly and watch as Cas attempted to bandage the gashes on his arms.

Castiel placed a final piece of medical tape across the gauze to hold it in place as he took a deep breath. “I- I need you to uh, take off your shirt, Dean,” he stuttered and before Dean could comment he added, “I need to be able to reach the cuts on your chest.”

Dean nodded but paused with his fingers on the hem of his shirt. Cas watched his chest rise and fall with a hitch in his own breath as Dean pulled the shirt off over his head. The angel’s eyes widened momentarily but he simply shook his head and got back to work, trying desperately to slow the pounding in his chest.

“If you don’t slow down you’re gonna run out of band-aids,” Dean joked. Cas whipped his head up and glared at Dean, but in the back of his mind he too was noticing how many bandages he had used up. There were tiny plastic strips scattered across Dean’s chest and neck, and only three band-aids left in the box. Castiel stepped back to examine Dean, checking for cuts he had missed. He had gotten all but one that he could see. Cas reached into the box and pulled out a bandage, stripping away the paper wrapping as he leaned towards Dean.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.” Dean laughed softly as Cas reached up, smoothing the band-aid onto the side of Dean’s nose. His fingers lingered for a moment on Dean’s skin and Castiel could feel the heat rising in his cheeks. Cas let his hands drop and he turned his attention to the box on the table. He crumpled up the bandage wrappers and tossed them into the bin, then placed the containers of cream and gauze back into the box before he shut the lid.

Cas didn’t notice that Dean had moved until he turned around to find him inches from his face. He froze as Dean leaned over, closing the gaps between their lips and wrapped his arm around his waist. It wasn’t until after Dean broke away that Castiel realised what had happened and he felt his cheeks redden until they were just as rosy as Dean’s.

“Thanks for patching me up,” Dean whispered.

“N-no problem,” Cas stuttered back, still stunned from the kiss.

Dean blinked at him and shook his head. “I uh- I’m sorry for… kissing you. I’ll just go, I think.” He picked his shirt up off the floor and turned to leave but Cas grabbed him gently by the wrist.

“It matters because you used me, Dean!” Cas’s eyes glowed blue and for a second Sam was worried the angel was going to smite his brother. Dean backed into the wall but his angry glare never wavered, staring down the man in front of him. “I lost everything because of you, Dean, and you didn’t care!”

“Of course I fucking cared, you absolute fucking asswad!” Dean spat back. “Look it may not always show but you’re like another brother to me, dude!” Dean yanked the short sleeve of his T-shirt up over his left shoulder. “Remember this?” Dean grabbed Cas’ hand and fit the Angel’s fingers over the handprint mark that very hand had left there. “You’re a part of me, remember? I could have dealt with it. You didn’t have to fall for me-”  

“I fell because I loved you!” Cas screamed at the green-eyed man. Sam’s eyes widened and he backed out of the room, unnoticed by the pair. Cas yanked his hand back from Dean’s shoulder, staring down at it before looking back up at Dean. “I still do. I would do and have done anything for you, Dean. Even turning my back on my own family.”

“Cas, man,” Dean reached his arm out to comfort his friend but it fell into empty air as Cas disappeared. “Damn it,” Dean swore to himself as Sam walked back into the room, pretending to have just gotten out of the shower, a towel wrapped around his waist and one to hide his dry hair.

“Hey, what’s going on Dean?” Sam asked innocently. “Were you fighting with someone?”

Dean sighed  and ran a hand through his hair. “Nah, Cas was just upset about something going on in Heaven. It’s fine,” he added nonchalantly, pulling his sleeve back down over his scar.

“Dean-”

“It’s fine!” Dean snapped. “I’m fine!”

“Okay, Dean, You’re fine.” Sam smirked as his brother walked into the bathroom past him. He noticed Dean still hadn’t wiped Cas’s saliva off his face.

***

Dean stood in the shower, running his hands over his face for maybe the fourth or fifth time in the past hour. “God,” he whispered to himself. “What the fuck is going on?” Dean thought for a second as the water pounded his back. “I don’t mean that literally, God. Ignore me. It’s not like I’m freaking out that your son told me he loved me and it’s not like I’m freaking out because hearing those words made me really happy and it’s not like I wish he would get back here right now.” Dean said these words aloud and stayed silent as if he had expected an answer. He wasn’t surprised when he didn’t get one, though he was slightly disappointed.

He stepped out of the shower and walked slowly to his bed, quickly dressing and planning to watch Tv before Sam returned from the store.

"Cas, man," Dean muttered, sitting down on his bed with his head bowed and eyes closed. "Please answer me. Talk to me. I need something, here. Anything." He kept his eyes closed for a couple more seconds before opening them and looking around the motel room. No Cas.

Dean sighed. Typical, yet disappointing. He got up and dragged his ass to the couch, flopping down on it and throwing his arm over his eyes. In a last ditch effort he whispered barely comprehensible words to the air.

“I said please.”

Dean didn’t hear or feel the familiar rush of air that left as soon as it came. He was already asleep.

***

It took Dean all of five days to tell his brother what had happened. Sam already knew about it, and though Dean left out the feelings it had given him, Sam knew about those too, hearing Dean praying to Cas every night when he thought his younger brother was asleep.

“So I guess that’s why Cas hasn’t come around,” Dean shrugged, as if he didn’t stay up waiting all night for some hint of Castiel. “I guess he’s like, embarrassed or something.”

“Yeah,” Sam agreed. “Have you tried getting him over here? We could use some help.”

“He hasn’t been answering m-not that I’ve been calling for him much,” Dean defended, shaking his head at his brother. “Maybe you should call him. He might answer you.”

“Why would he answer me and not you? You’re the one he’s in love with, De-”

“Shut up, Sam,” Dean snapped. “It doesn’t matter if he’s in love with me or not, he’s not answering me!”

“”Dean I’m sure if you told him that we’re having research trouble-”

“Sam, he’s not fucking answering me okay?” Dean yelled, storming into the bathroom and slamming the door. Ten seconds later, he walked back out and rummaged through his bag, grabbing his pyjamas before jogging back into the bathroom.

“Forget something?” Sam smirked as Dean opened the door enough to flip him off.

***

Dean turned around in his bed once again as he pulled a pillow over his head. Sam was long asleep- as he should be. Dean stared at the clock on the bedstand between the two twin beds that were crammed into the smallest hotel room they’d ever stayed in. The red figures that read 3:07 AM gave Dean a headache, his slightly hungover eyes squinting at the brightness.  

He couldn’t tell if he couldn’t sleep because the booze had him running over every single word that Cas had said to him-”I loved you. I still do” or the steady sounds of Sam’s snoring.

Dean had gotten up to take something- some Zzzquil, a sleeping pill, anything to help him sleep- when he heard a small sound in the bathroom.

Immediately he was alert and he grabbed the knife he kept in his bag, creeping into the small bathroom of the motel. He turned the corner and hesitated before stabbing, thanking the father of the angel in front of him that he did.

“Cas,” he breathed, taking in the trenchcoat and the always messed up hair and lowered his blade.

“Dean,” Cas started, looking up at Dean with a slightly startled expression. “You should be asleep.”

Dean chuckled. “Tell me about it,” he huffed, moving closer to Cas. He was so close he could feel the shorter man’s breath on his jaw. “I uh, I came to get some, uh, sleeping medication,” he whispered, finding himself unable to raise his voice higher than that. He reached around Cas and opened the medicine cabinet, grabbing the almost empty bottle of sleeping pills before gently shutting the door.

“You shouldn’t take those, Dean.” Cas’s voice was low and quiet, almost breathy, and Dean’s stomach turned upside down. “They’re not good for y-”

Dean didn’t want to hear the lecture. In fact, Dean only wanted to hear one thing out of Cas’s mouth.

“Did you mean what you said?”

“And it- what?” Cas seemed confused to be cut off mid-lecture but snapped out of it quickly.

“Did you mean it? When you said you loved me.”

“Dean-” Cas got that look in his eye and Dean grabbed his arm.

“Don’t you dare flash out on me, man. Did you mean it or not?”

Cas sighed and relaxed, but refused to look Dean in the face. “Yeah, I meant it.”

Dean smiled and leaned down, pressing his lips against his friends. He placed his hand gently on Cas’s jaw when they broke away, and the black haired man took a deep breath.

“Dean?” Dean just smiled and went back in for another kiss. “Dean!”

Dean snapped his eyes open to find he was in his bed, his little brother standing over him and smirking.

“Get up sleeping beauty, it’s 10 o’clock.”

“10?!” Dean jumped out of bed and threw on a white T-shirt. “Why didn’t you wake me up? We have to meet with the Sheriff in a half hour!” Dean hopped into a pair of jeans as quickly as he could and rushed into the bathroom to brush his teeth and comb his hair.

“You seemed to be having a good dream,” Sam joked, and Dean could hear him making “kissy” noises right outside the bathroom door, making him wish the door swung outwards. Maybe a broken nose would teach him not to-

Dean wasn't paying attention and swore as his comb scraped over his ear.

***

“Damn it,” Dean snapped as he and Sam walked out of the Sheriff’s office.

“Okay, so the sheriff didn’t know anything,” Sam said, eyeing his brother as they walked back towards the impala. Dean’s hair was beyond saving, sticking almost straight up because of how many times he had ran his hand through it. His eyes seemed desperate and he seemed to be looking around wildly as if he was trying to find something. “But the medical examiner might. If not the M.E, then maybe the witness.”

“You heard the sheriff, the witness was out cold when they got there,” Dean snapped.

“Yeah but he could have seen-”

“He says he doesn’t remember anyth-”

“Would you say you remembered anything if what you had seen was what we normally deal wi-”

“Well I certainly wouldn’t be keeping quiet about i-”

“That’s because you’re always around it Dean, if you didn’t know those things existed then you would probably be too scared to-”

“I wouldn’t be too scared to speak up if I saw a motherfucking werewolf tearing apart my friend-”

“Don’t act like you’re not scared of anything, Dean, and he probably thinks he would get called insane or maybe he thinks he’s insane himself-”

“Goddamnit if Cas was here this would be so much easier!” Dean yelled as he slammed the impala door shut. They rode the rest of the way home in silence but Sam couldn’t help wondering if there was another reason Dean wished Cas were here.

Later that night, as Sam was taking a shower, he could hear his brother muttering outside the bathroom in the motel. He couldn’t make out everything but he got the jist.

“Cas… please, man, I just… talk to you, please… down here.” There was a pause and Sam assumed Dean was waiting for him. Sam shut the shower off and stepped closer to the door to hear him. “Cas, we need your help. Both the M.E. and the witness were dead ends. We don’t know what else to do, we need you to help us, do something.” Dean stopped talking again and for a second Sam almost wondered if he should call to him himself.

The next time Dean spoke, his voice had changed. “Are… you okay?” Dean’s voice was laced with worry and Sam knew the face he would be making- upturned eyebrows, wide eyes, mouth slightly agape. “God, please don’t tell me you’ve been hurt up there, don’t tell me you can’t get down here or worse you’re- you’re-” Dean sighed and Sam wrapped a towel around himself, figuring that was the end of Dean’s trying. He was about to step out of the bathroom when Dean spoke again, his voice cracking.

“Cas… Cas send me a sign, please, do something, anything to let me know you’re okay, please, I need to kno-” Sam yelped and spun around as the light in the bathroom exploded, he burst out of the room, not thinking, to avoid getting showered in glass and he ran out into the so-called ‘living room’.

“Dude, the light in the bathroom just exploded!” Sam yelled as he ran into his brother. He stepped back in surprise as he found Dean furiously wiping at his eyes, failing to hide the fact that he’d been crying.

“Dude, were you-”

“Shut up,” Dean said, his voice thick and Sam almost wanted to laugh.

“Well, anyway, I think maybe we should move motels because that light just exploded, it could be a demon or a spirit or something.”

“No, it was Cas. I asked him to send us a sign that he was okay.”

“Well dude, if he could do that do you think he could help us out with this case?”

“Trust me, I have no goddamn idea.”

“He didn’t leave any sign at all that could help us?” Sam grabbed a research book off from Dean’s bed and flipped through it to the page they had bookmarked.

Written across the margin of the page, in Cas’s distinctive messy scrawl, were the words

 Check with the witness again. I think you’ll be surprised at what you find if you decide to question him at night, instead of the daytime.  

Sam and Dean looked at each other and looked outside, to the setting sun.

“What do you think he means?” Dean asked, getting his suit out of the bag.

“Wait,” Sam said, turning the page to find more writing.

Don’t go as FBI agents, that might scare him off. Just head over there. actually, try not to make yourselves known. actually, just stealth it all. I believe he’s the werewolf. ~~Cas~~

Dean snorted. “He couldn’t have just told us that in the first place?”

***

Dean was just stepping out of the shower. He had taken one just before confronting the witness, but, well, werewolf blood all over you makes you want to take another one.

He was drying his hair off when he turned around, jumping back when he found a familiar face just inches from him.

“Cas!” Dean yelped, dropping the towel.

“Hello Dean,” Cas said, his voice low and gravelly once again. Neither Dean nor Cas seemed to notice that Dean was stark naked.

“You son of a bitch!” Dean yelled, shoving Cas against the wall with his forearm. “Fuck you, man! It’s been two weeks! You couldn’t even come back here to show us you’re okay? You had to burst a fucking light bulb? Why the fuck have you been gone so damn long? There couldn’t have been much going on up there in angel land.”

Cas could have moved, if he wanted to. Instead he let Dean press him further against the wall. “Dean, I-”

“Don’t give me any damn excuses, Cas, I want the fucking truth! Have you been avoiding us? Me?”

“Listen, Dean, I’m sorr-”

“Don’t apologize, Damnit, I just want to hear the truth! Have you been avoiding me because of what you said? Because you think-”

“Damn it Dean I can’t explain if you wont let me speak!” Cas shoved Dean off him like he was a feather. “Look, yeah, I was avoiding you. You like girls. You like boobs and long hair and-and-”

Dean leaned down and kissed him. Cas gripped the back of his head and leaned into him, just hard enough to wake him up.

“God damn,” Dean swore as he watched his brother snoring gently in the bed beside him. He looked up at the ceiling and wondered if he should call for Cas again.

"Cas, please."

Silence.

Dean sighed and turned over, spreading out across the bed and once again starting the impossible process of falling asleep.

He was close- oh so close- to falling asleep when he heard a light knocking at the motel room door. He grabbed his demon blade from his bag and looked through the opening.

"Cas!"

"Dean, let me in."

"How do I know it's-" Cas's eyes glowed blue for a fraction of a second. "Okay hang on." Dean unlocked the door and then the bolt, letting Cas slip inside quickly before locking it.

He and Dean stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity, though in reality was only a couple seconds. Suddenly Dean was on him, pulling his head roughly upwards to meet his lips, tangling his fingers in the angel's soft black hair. Cas froze but then relaxed into him, cupping Dean's jaw with gentle hands. Dean sighed when they broke away, staring down at Cas's blue eyes with their foreheads pressed together.

"I swear. If this is another dream I might just cry."

"It's not another dream."

"How can I tell?"

Cas tilted his head and then fit his hand over the scar on Dean's shoulder. A rush of emotions flooded him, the most recognizable being relief. Then trust. Then, love.

"Why have you been gone for so damn long?" Dean demanded between kisses.

"Why do you think?"

"Just because you were nervous about what I might say? Cas that's the stupidest thing-"

Cas pushed Dean off and flipped around, pushing Dean hard against the door. In this position Cas was taller, and for some reason having to look up at Cas made Dean realize just how powerful Castiel was.

“C-Cas?”

Cas leaned down and pressed his lips hard against Dean’s, and Dean felt his legs begin to buckle. He would have slid helplessly down the wall if Cas wasn’t pressing him against it so hard.

“You don’t understand,” Cas said gruffly. “I just couldn’t come back. If you were to… We’ve been through so much together if you didn’t feel the same way… I couldn’t deal with that. I just… couldn’t.”

Dean was still struggling to stand as Cas let him go and turned away.

“Don’t leave,” Dean whispered. “Please.” Dean reached out and grabbed Cas’s arm, pulling him closer. Cas nodded and Dean pulled him onto the bed, pulling the blanket over them both. Dean found his face buried in Cas’s messy mop of black hair and smiled.

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“What about Sam?”

I stabbed downwards and heard a satisfying scream, watching the quick flash of light as the demon perished. Sam sighed beside me. I ripped my blade out of the demon’s chest and looked up at him with a smile, glad to have rid ourselves of almost all of the demons that had attacked us.

Sam turned to me and winked, at least that’s what it looked like to me. I couldn’t be sure, but the action left me stunned, confused as to why he would do that, Especially in the middle of a hunt-

“Y/N watch out!” Cas yelled, shoving me out of the way just as a knife went flying by my head. I grunted from the force of hitting the ground, Cas’s body collapsing on top of mine. He rolled away instantly, reaching out his hand as soon as he was standing. I took it gratefully. “Are you alright?” He asked, concerned. His hand was still wrapped around mine and I stared at our entwined fingers, confused for the second time in a matter of minutes. He noticed my stare and let go, letting his arm fall awkwardly to his side.

I nodded just as Sam dug his knife into the back of the remaining demon behind Cas. The body hit the ground with a hard thud. He turned to us, chest heaving. “You guys good?” He asked. I couldn’t help but notice how his eyes never left mine when he asked the question. He hadn’t even bothered to acknowledge Cas. What was going on?

I shook my head and followed the guys out of the now empty house. Surely I had just been overreacting.

.   .   .

“Hey, Dean,” I said as I swung myself around the doorframe of his room. Dean opened his eyes and slowly pulled the headphones off his head.

“‘Sup, Giggles?” He swung his legs over the side of the bed and patted the space next to him. I rolled my eyes and joined him on the bed, crossing my legs in front of me. “What’s on your mind?”

I sighed. “Has Sam or Cas said anything about me lately?”

Dean looked confused for a moment. “Well, they don’t not talk about you if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“No that’s not what I mean.” I shook my head, trying to find the best way to explain the situation to Dean. “I mean, do they ever talk about their… feelings towards me?”

Dean sighed. “Hell if I know,” he replied. “They hardly share their feeling about anyone with me. Why? You crushing on one of them?” He grinned at me.

My mind flashed back to Cas’ hand in mine, but I just shook my head. “I’m just trying to figure something out,” I said quietly before standing up and leaving Dean alone in his room.

“Ouch! God,” I exclaimed as I rounded the corner back into the foyer of the bunker. Sam stumbled back as I reached up to feel for a bump on my forehead where I collided with his chest.

“I-I’m sorry, Y/N. I should have been watching where I was walking.”

“It’s fine,” I replied, attempting to push past him to get into the library. He grabbed my arm gently and spun me around.

“Y/N,” he repeated. “Can I ask you something?” My heart stopped for a second as I nodded slowly. Sam took a deep breath.

“Wow, the suspense is killing me,” I remarked sarcastically.

Sam rolled his eyes at me. “I-,” he hesitated and seemed to rethink his words even as he was speaking them. “Why are you up this late?”

“Sam, it’s 10 o’clock. I never go to bed this early.”

Sam sighed. “That’s not what I wanted to say.” He ran his fingers through his long hair and bit his lip.

I leaned towards him for a second. “What did you want to say then? Sam, what’s up?”

He didn’t say anything as he took my hand and let me up the steps into the library. He pulled a chair out and sat down, motioning for me to follow suit. “Listen, Y/N,” he started. “The past couple weeks with you here helping us hunt, I’ve realized something.” He groaned and held his head in his hands, chuckling to himself without humor. “This is so much harder than I thought it would be.” He lifted his head back up, his eyes meeting mine with more sincerity than I had ever seen, even from him. “I love you, Y/N. And I know how crazy that sounds because you’ve only been here for a few weeks, but I really do. And I can’t help but feel like you feel the same way.”

I didn’t know how to respond for a moment, too stunned to even blink. Of course Sam was wonderful in every possible way. I mean, I had never seen someone so compassionate and caring about every single person- or animal for that matter- he met. But there was something, some strange force stopping me from opening my mouth and confirming his feelings.

“Y/N?” Sam’s voice pulled me back to him and I looked up at him, eyes wide.

“C-Cas!” I stuttered out, turning my gaze to the dark figure that stepped out from behind Sam. Sam whipped around to face Cas, his shoulders dropping in disappointment when he saw him there.

“I was just um, heading to bed,” Cas mumbled. “Didn’t mean to disturb you.”

“Cas,” I started. “You don’t sleep.”

“Yeah I was, um, doing some research?” He tried again to explain his appearance, though it did nothing to convince me, or Sam.  

“Right, well, whatever it is that you’re doing,” Sam said as he rose from his chair. “I’ll let you get to it. I’m going to bed.” He turned to me, his eyes sad. “Goodnight, Y/N.”

Cas and I sat in silence for a moment or two before I cleared my throat and stood up. I kept silent as I began to walk down the steps of the library. I stopped in my tracks and turned around when Cas called out.

“So, was Sam right?” Cas looked at me from where he was sitting and for a moment I thought I saw a flicker of sadness, or maybe a flicker of fear.

“W-What do you mean?” I asked cautiously.

“Was Sam right?” Cas repeated, feigning more confidence than he had before. “Do you have feelings for him?”

“I… I don’t think so,” I murmured, refusing to meet his gaze. “He’s, I mean he’s really sweet but there’s just something keeping me from feeling… that way about him.”

Cas stood up from his chair and shuffled towards me. “What could be stopping you from being in love with Sam?” He was inches away from my face now, so close that I could feel his breath. The light from the library illuminated the tips of his dark hair, giving him the image of a halo atop his head.

“I dunno,” I whispered. I looked into his eyes now, letting myself become captivated by the impossibly deep blue raging in his irises. “Maybe there’s someone else I care about instead.”

Cas reached out and took my hand in his. This time I didn’t look at him with confusion. He blinked and looked away from me, staring at our entwined fingers instead. “Y/N, I-” I cut him off, gently pulling his lips down to mine. He froze for a second before leaning in, tangling his fingers in my hair. When we broke away, I was out of breath, and Cas was smiling so hard his eyes were almost closed. I smiled back at him as I pulled him into a tight hug.

“I love you, Cas,” I whispered.

“I love you too,” he mumbled into my hair. “I love you so much.”

I pulled away for a second, forcing Cas to look at me. “We can’t tell anyone about this.”

Cas squinted at me. “Why not?”

“Sam, he still thinks I care about him. It’ll break his heart to find out that his friend is what’s stopping us from being together. Cas, promise me you’ll keep this a secret. At least for now.”

He smiled softly at me. “I promise, Y/N.”

.  .  .

The smell of maple syrup wafted into my room beneath the door. I groaned, knowing for a fact that there was no way I’d be able to fall back asleep with the smell of food taunting me just outside the door. For the past few weeks Sam had taken to getting up early to make breakfast, usually consisting of a giant pile of waffles and strawberries, my favourite meal. I rolled off the bed, not even bothering to catch myself as I crashed to the floor.

“Y/N?” Cas called from his spot on my chair beside the bed. “Are you alright?” He set down the book he was reading and helped me off the floor. He had spent the past few weeks sharing my room, staying in bed with me as I fell asleep before leaving or sometimes reading in the chair next to me. At first I had thought it would be creepy having him stay with me without sleeping, but now I found it comforting just knowing he was in the room with me. To be quite honest, I was mostly just surprised that neither Dean nor Sam had noticed our sudden change in sleeping arrangements.

“I’m fine, Cas.Just getting a bit sick of waffles is all.” I answered, throwing a shirt on over my tanktop. I left the room, knowing Cas would follow in a minute or so after he knew the coast was clear and he could exit the room without Sam noticing.

“Good morning, Y/N!” Sam said cheerfully as he slid a plate full of waffles towards me. “How did you sleep?”

“Wonderfully,” I mumbled, stabbing a waffle with my fork and dropping it on my plate.

Sam furrowed his brows. “Are you sure? You seem a bit tense. Is everything alright?”

I looked up at Sam, throwing him a tight smile before returning to my food. “Nah, I’m alright. Just still a little sleepy is all.”

Sam narrowed his eyes. “Alright,” he said slowly. “But if you ever need to talk, you know I’m here, right?”

“Yeah I know, Sam,” I mumbled as I squirted whipped cream onto my waffle. The last of the whipped cream spit out of the nozzle and I sighed, reaching out to hand Sam the empty container. I froze was his fingers brushed mine. He held them there for a moment, willing me to meet his eyes, but I simply shoved the can into his hand and pulled away.

Sam cleared his throat. “Hey, uh, Y/N?” He started. I looked up at him. “Have you thought anymore about um… what I asked you a few weeks ago?”

I wished for a second that I wasn’t too nice of a person to roll my eyes at him. “Sam, you’ve asked me that question almost every day, and the answer is almost always the same,” I replied calmly.

“Yeah I know.” Sam sighed. “‘I haven’t thought about lately because I don’t want to think about it.’ But, Y/N, I wish you would please think about it. It can’t be that hard to know whether or not you feel the same way. We could be something together.”

I took a deep breath and set my fork down. “What if I don’t wanna be something with you, Sam? What would you do if I said I didn’t feel the same way?”

Sam shrugged. “Do you not feel the same way?”

“No, Sam. I don’t think I do. I’m sorry.”

Sam furrowed his brows at me. “Really? Why not?”

“Look, Sam, I just don’t. Isn’t that enough?”

“No,” he said slowly. “I’m not sure it is. I can’t put my finger on why, but I feel like I have to know why. Is it someone else?”

I glared at him. “It doesn’t matter what it is, Sam. I don’t want to tell you and I don’t have to. Would you just drop it?”

Sam stayed silent for a minute. I, relieved, returned to eating, hoping the conversation was over. Then, Sam whispered something softly, too softly for me to hear.

I looked up. “Did you say something?”

“I can’t drop it,” Sam said a bit louder this time. His eyes were wide, almost as if the realisation that he couldn’t move on was astounding to him.

I set my fork down for the second time that morning. “For Christ’s sake, Sam! What is wrong with you? I told you I didn’t want to talk about it. Why can’t you just leave it at that?”

“I need to know why you don’t love me. Y/N! What is stopping you from feeling the same way?”

“Me.” Sam and I both whipped around so see where the voice had come from as Cas shuffled into the room. His face was clouded as he spoke and he refused to look neither me, nor Sam directly in the eye. “The reason she doesn’t love you is because she loves me.” Sam stood still, his mouth agape in shock. He let the can of whipped cream crash to the floor but still didn’t say a word as he stared at Cas. Finally, Cas turned to me. Looking at me with all the shame in the world. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I know I promised to keep it a secret, but I’ve been standing outside the kitchen this whole time and I just wanted this to stop.”

I slid off my chair and walked over to him, cupping his chin in my hands. “It’s alright, Cas. You’re right, this whole charade needs to end.”

Sam coughed behind us. We turned around to face him as he ran his hand through his hair. “How long?” He asked.

“Since the day you confessed to me,” I replied. “I’m sorry, Sam.”

“No, it’s alright. I guess I just wish you had told me sooner.” Sam pushed past me and Cas and left us alone in the room.

“You think he’ll come around?” I asked aloud as I reached out to take Cas’ hand.

          "Damn," Cas said, mirroring Dean's movement in an attempt to keep warm. He pulled out the cell phone that Dean kept in the glove box, dialing Sam quickly. "Damn," he said again, slamming the phone shut. "No signal."

          "I hate hunting in Vermont." Dean leaned back in his seat and grabbed a blanket from the back, covering himself with the small piece of fabric.

          "Shouldn't we go find a town?"

          "Didn't you hear the sheriff back there?" Dean mumbled, shuddering despite being under the blanket. "Once you get onto this road there are no towns for miles. We might be able to find a single house, but it's not worth freezing to death." Dean squinted out the window. "Besides, we can't even see five feet in front of us out there, and the snow’s just gonna keep coming down harder."

          "Where's Sam?"

          "He went to go interview some locals. Apparently there's been a problem with this house for a long time. People call it the 'haunted Highgate manor' and there's a legend behind it. Some people believe it and some people don't."

          "So we’re dealing with spirits?" Castiel asked, his body curling inside his trench coat to warm himself.

          “Probably. Apparently in the 19th century, some crazy doctor was testing some new formulas on his wife and two kids by sneaking the mixture into their food and drinks. The family ended up dying because of the poison he was feeding them and once they were dead, he killed himself.”

          “Wow,” Cas said, furrowing his brow in concern. “I can’t imagine doing that to my family. I can’t imagine doing that to you or Sam, and you guys aren’t even my family, technically.”

           “C’mon, Cas, we’re your family,” Dean rasped, finding himself staring into ice-blue eyes. “We may not be blood related, and your actual family is fighting a war up in heaven because your father is God and your siblings are angels, but we’re still your family.”

          “What do you mean?” Cas had scooched closer to Dean and Dean, subconsciously, had moved closer to Cas as well.

          “Well you’re as good as a brother to Sam, and better than a brother to me, if this handprint on my shoulder is anything to go by. Your Grace is inside me Cas. A part of you is inside me, and always will be.”

          Cas’s mouth turned up at the corners and Dean sighed. “That’s not what I meant, dude,”he defended, rolling his eyes at the ex Angel.

          “Dean, I’m really cold.” Cas lay down and tried to cover his whole body with his trench coat but to no avail. Dean saw his lips turning blue and took pity on him.

          “Here, C’mere Cas,” Dean said, crawling into the backseat and lying down, facing the front, where Cas sat confused, his arms folded in front of him as he looked at Dean skeptically.

          Dean’s arms were opened out towards Cas and the blue eyed man finally gave in and let himself fall into place next to Dean. He found there was enough room for both of them under the blanket if they squished close enough together. Dean had tried to turn away but something in the way Cas’s whole body was still shuddering made him want to hold the man close, protect him.

          “You alright?” Dean asked, not getting an answer as Cas’s face was buried in Dean’s chest, the small vibrations of his body shaking Dean as well. “Hey, man,” Dean pulled Cas’s face up so he could see him and found that almost his entire face had gone blue. “Come here,” Dean pulled Cas closer to his body and found a very cold Cas staring at him silently.

          He hesitated for a second and then placed his arms around Cas’s upper body, pulling him the small extra distance it took for their lips to connect. Castiel’s mouth immediately started moving against his own, and Dean smiled in satisfaction as the former angel sighed.

          “Feeling any warmer?” Dean asked, his voice hoarse from nerves and exhaustion.

          Cas smiled a little. “No Dean, I think I need to be closer.” With that, Cas pulled on Dean until they were squished against each other, not one part of their bodies left untouched. They stayed like that for a good two hours, both of them falling asleep after 20 minutes, until Sam found them.