Dr.J

When everything in life crashes and burns

Where life takes some odd turns

When love ends with hypothetical urns

When eventually the tables turn

In your favor

I didn’t stay faithful, but gods mercy never waivered

Weird behavior. Thought i was my only savior

I would say i found the creator here

When in fact i looked at myself and faced every fear

Year after year, mind shifting like gears

Constantly fighting the tears

I thought the end was near

Gods light, i see the sheer

Drowned the Pain with my tears

Often times internal

Because even with hypothetical urns

A nigga still mourned.

Lesson to learn from my mistakes

Hard head made a soft ass

Them losses i had to take

I’m finally Face to face with my fate

No longer disgraced,

Can’t fuck with limerence

Shit dead… mental funerals replay in my head

How could you not choose me over them?

Thought u came back for me that night

That fantasy had fucked up all reality

It’s so hard to not hear you proud of me

But all i remeber is how much you doubted me

Not my ability to succeed

Just that i could never give you what you need

Lines i had to read between

Left me doing some crazy things

All the things i had to sneak and read

I’m a bit confused as to how you don’t see what i see

You were supposed to be the better half of me

But the bigger picture you wouldn’t take heed

Don’t hear u gotta feel is the lesson

And i had to slide and get myself out of the depression

Cross country drive i had to pull over

Thinking of the shit you did made me hate being sober

I couldn’t sleep the first few nights

But sleeping in a penthouse made it alright

I told you i had a plan and it was airtight

You didn’t see the vision

I tried with all my might

I said I’m moving here just to get right

You assumed i wasn’t bringing you along for the ride

But you didn’t see what i saw and i had to let my feelings subside

I can’t force you to ascend

You rather stay with someone you was fucking back then

I never played pretend

Just keep it real with me

I would’ve took care of you if you was willing to build with me

You took my plan for selfishness

I just wanted you to pick selflessness

But you don’t have that ability

People pleasing will never bring tranquility

I just wanted you to feel with me

But we were always opposition

Quiet as it’s kept

I felt you jealous of my decisions…

What would you do put in my position?

Stay with me even though it’s another that I’m missing?

What about that night you almost kissed her?

Feeling a lil blue

Thinking of every person i ever knew

Bridges burned, a few tables turned

Emotions got me in a worry

Get me out of here, god, hurry.

Because when i lay my head at night i only feel fury

Secondary to sadness, popping pills ain’t cure my madness

One to get me up and going, one to sedate me just to keep me flowing

I feel so unknowing. I’ve just been underloved

Like the ghettos that they created to play push and shove

Mass incarceration of the mind, I’ve been doing time

Feds caught me emotionally bagging a dime.. fine

Fine

I guess I’ll lose one more fucking time

But somehow every time i make a move it’s divine

So why the fuck am i so lucky with a fucked up mind?

It’s hard to even think of what to do with time.

At my Shrine.

Some nights i kneel and cry

Prayer can’t leave my lips

because i still resent god for not protecting me when i know she exist

The divine mother looked to me and turned away

i feel scored when i look in the mirror and see my mothers face

Light a joint and i pace.

Because once unworthy of shit and now i receive gods grace

Disgraced, i cut off my nose to spite my face.

Don’t look at me. I’ve grown unwell.

The place ain’t sunken just a very very deep well

And there’s water at the bottom.

Late nights i feel u taunting me

Call to me

Greet me with the luxury.

Call for me

Come and keep me company

Long as i live

You’ll always be

My

First

Fuck…

Sitting here stuck

Think I’m bout to combust

Pretty brown skin

I’m filled with lust

Foaming out the mouth

I’ll devour you.

Climb to the top

Shaved my head

Moved away

Loved to see another day

I mean lived to love another

Undercover…

Almost called.. but i stutter

I listened. Never muttered

Solid gold for your troubles

Though you were loving another

Asked you a hypothetical

But knew it was the end for u

Knew we wouldn’t make it to Christmas

That year i sat in the living room listless

Couldn’t even stomach it

Ended the night with the spins

Fucked a Nigga u called your friend

How surprising.

You barely love who you are.

Thinking you could be with me.

In all of my complexities.

Neuroticism mixed with left handed entities.

I hated the situation.

I just never had the strength to leave.

Building up. Trying to give you want you want.

Tell the truth, don’t front.

You was fucking that bitch, huh?

Lies dug yourself a personal coffin

I’m putting this shit to rest

And over your dead body, I’ll probably confess..

Your love was mediocre. Lukewarm at best.

Your only accolade is that you would never confess.

I asked if you wanted your lies displayed in 4K

You tried to change the subject with some minor foreplay.

Gaslit me to the point i took your lies as the truth

You hated me this entire time

When i stopped struggling you dimmed my shine

I’d do anything to be able to call you mine

But you lost me, feelings on rapid decline

If i died tonight. You’d feel no pain.

You’d go back to the bitch that you was fucking

In plain……… sight.

How were you supposed to be Mr. Right?

Watching you sleep holding your lies nice and tight.

You were never supposed to be my shining knight.