ive been thinking too much

Sitting in a crowd. Is sort of like sitting in a small closed off space. You are cramped. You don't breath very well. You can hardly focus on what is in front of you. But even through the walls of noise, and people, and just everything to spark your senses. You can think of all the reasons why you are different. Or why you just blend in. And have no meaning. You can think about your weight. Or a wrist band that you use to cover scars. Or how you are differently dressed than the 8 people surrounding you. How you speak differently. Or the looks you get when you try and readjust yourself. And even move the slightest part of you. How little you feel. How fat you feel. What you look like of sound or just are to everyone else. A crowd can open, or destroy your mind, for those who think about it. When you have to think because no one else gives a damn about you. But. When you leave that crowd. And say you go out alone. And sit somewhere you can see the stars. Isn't that worse? How small you are. How insignificant you are. How little you are cared about. How you are worth NOTHING. in the grand scheme of things. Or is that just me? For I know I mean nothing. I hate my existence, and not a single fuck is given that I do. I could die tonight and no one would really care. Sure you'd be sad that a life was lost. But people die everyday. And we don't care. We don't give a shit that our brothers and sisters are dying everyday. And that's okay. I just can't believe that. I truly can't. And I am a person as well. I don't feel bad that today, possibly a million people could have died. And I wouldn't know. I feel like shit because of it. I am shit. I deserve their death. And yet I am still here. And that's a true tragedy. I fucking need to cut or something. Fuck this. Bye