Hasuki

Hypervigilant

───── ✠ ─────

Witnessing the changes,

Affecting the adored!

Criticism from the world hurt none,

But seeing you agree with it—

Tears through my thin skin.

Maybe I am hypervigilant,

Aching to be understood—

To put my restless thoughts to rest.

Looking out, seeking external agreement,

I am proven wrong.

I want to leave,

But I lack financial independence.

I don't want to stay here.

I don't want to become an adult so soon.

I don't want to carry your weight.

I don't want to be a disappointment.

I just want to be understood.

Kept shunned, I dimmed my light,

For a faint "maybe," I became a sinkhole,

Collapsing inward, carved with scars.

Rebirth and reincarnation,

Yet still lost.

Maybe I am just a fool, seeking agreement.

Maybe I am just a kid,

Looking for emancipation and repose.

Heartfelt romance, but never felt his presence.

The perfect man and his perfect life.

No cap— I want to rizz him up.

Lowkey, I am searching, and highkey, I am a homebody, waiting for him to break my fourth wall.

Fictional, he is.

Faker than my laugh.

Some wise men said, "Delulu is the solulu,"

but my friends said, "You need to touch some grass."

I want to have my own love story,

but in my main story, I am the NPC.

Break the fourth wall. Come true.

I am planting the seeds for our future in my head.

No cap.

I'm emotionally obese from feeding this delusion.

Bet you still think I need to touch grass,

but hell nah—

I need to touch—

Ahem.

I daydream too hard; teachers had to clock me out.

Like, I am obsessed to the core, I had to drop this lore.

Unhinged love story,

but—

I water imaginary flowers anyway.

Thriving in the hope that I shall achieve my desires.

Hate settling for less—

at the same time, scared of losing everything.

Wanted to change everything,

from surviving to living.

What can be done?

Once dreamt about life,

felt the urge to achieve,

worked hard enough—

got distracted enough.

Lost by a few points—

still can achieve.

Frustrated by the opinions of outsiders.

“Settle for what you have, or else you might regret it in the future.”

Thinking of giving up and settling.

Scared I might lose a part of my youth within myself again.

Being a little kid, I realised no good or bad—

Growing up, everything seems mad.

Those twisted, sick words felt good at once,

At that age, with no follies around.

Whimsical about nonsense—

Lies beneath is pure innocence,

Manhandled the way they want.

Emotionally overwhelmed,

Torn between being a good little one for my guardians.

Had those manufactured choices,

Smothered up—too late to realise.

Had I gone bad?

Constriction—still building up the nonsense,

May I lose my sense and feel free for once!

Can't hold the batshits,

It's getting too hard to hold captive the façade.

Emotionally burdened, I want no sweet words,

But emancipation.

Unshackled, so to feel my wrist,

Unbound—to rebound.

Just a continuity with no emotional strings.

Mind once filled with thoughts about fantasy—

Now filled with trauma.

Life is a game. Everyone plays their role except myself.

It gets hard—tries to hit respawn.

But

This cat doesn't have nine lives.

Everyone controls save thyself.

Be wroth with thyself—

Maybe I am just wrong.

Broken pieces of glass sting no more;

They are deep inside, covering up the wound.

Winds and breeze stay calm,

Mind and mood stay anxious.

Nevertheless, it's worthless—feed the fear, expect the worse,

Not that I could control.

Maybe just hopeless, trying to seek help from outside to escape my inner thoughts.

A work of fiction inspired by emotions.

Feed my soul for the sake of love;

Nothing left— not my skin, not my nails.

The imprints of fire left my soul burned, and I cried.

I paid for sins whose consequences were never mine.

Could you think of that and reap your wrongs?

Feed my soul for the sake of love;

I am not who I thought I was.