#HASHTAG_AA

So I am sort of back in the dating game.

After a little more than a year of not trying, I met someone in the rooms. I can't put my finger on what exactly it is but it feels odd to be dating again. 

Obviously, my program comes first.  The more I focus on other people, the less in my head I am and the more I can enjoy being with the person.  The only problem is that I can't seem to get out of my head.

The oddness comes from wanting to move forward but wanting to move forward for the right reasons.  I really like this guy but I feel I am too up in my head to enjoy it.  Should I call him? Should I suggest another date? Who texts who first?

It's a problem only AAs have, I think. 

What I can say, for certain, is this...1) I do like the guy and enjoy spending time with him 2) I am attracted to them in a way that's not just "friends" 3) despite this, I do indeed to want to start as friends 4) I want to be in this for the right reasons 5) I know that if something does happen its not guaranteed to be forever. 

So I am pretty upfront about the fact that my drinking pretty much revolved around my my job. I wasn't appreciated enough, I did make as much as I should have and, of course, my title was degrading...or so my character defects told me.

After a few 24 hours, I realize that the problem isn't my job, it's me.  The only problem with this realization is the feelings are still there.  And sure, feelings won't kill you but they damn sure will lead to resentments and resentments are just that last stop before a relapse.

I am seeking outside help but like all good outside professionals, there's a wait.  I won't be able to see the guy until the day before I close on my first house. Yup, you heard that right, another fruit of sobriety is about to drop into my lap and I should be thrilled.

The fact is though that I am too busy to be thrilled. It seems like the perfect storm has whipped up around me.  It's completely my fault and when I tell you its going to make you laugh or at least ask WTF I am complaining about...

You see, I created a product at work.  The product got REALLY popular in a very short amount of time. The product is something that I happen to specialize in and is a core of what I do.  The only challenge is that I have been working EVERY SINGLE DAY on the delivery of these products. I have not had a real day off in at least three weeks and I am ragged out.

Again, things are great! The company wants to do its first major all-prospect blast (a 100K+ contact list) to tell people about this service. My only fear is that I am going to get stuck doing these for the rest of my life rather than what I want to do.

Relief is coming, though.  In 3 more days I get two new people working for me.  It took me over a month to find them and they're going to be super-stars once I train them but I still have to survive this mele before it happens...not to mention keep up with all the other fun stuff I've got going on.

You can see where the frustration builds, here. Take an alcoholic who used to drink because of work, put him on an 80-hour work week and tell him its got to be the best things he's ever produced.  Ok, so the last part is in my head but you get the idea.

I am doing everything I can to keep centered, calm and patient.  I am telling myself no matter what, it will all get done.  Just keep going, 

My sponsor always tells me to watch out for expectations, particularly when it comes to things I think I deserve. He tells me to take what I expect  cut it in half and see what happens.

That's what transpired today when my boss and I sat down to talk raises. The good news is that I got one despite many of my co-workers not getting one.  It was specifically for the things I was brought in to do and it was for a "job well-done."

What I didn't get was the title bump I was looking for. To say that I was surprised I didn't get it is putting it one way.  However, I had almost expected it thanks to my "cut your expectations in half" exercise I did exactly 5 minutes before I walked in.

I have no quarrels with the raise. I am making what I want to make and I am even earning commission on a product I created.  Financially, I am secure.  It's the title thing that sticks with me, though.

I have co-workers with that title.  I have friends with that title. The voice in my head tells me that I am just as good as they are and, in fact, I am doing more for the company in pure revenue generation. I am even asked to be a thought leader.  By all accounts I should have that title and I feel like keeping it from me is like knocking me out in the knee-caps.

What's worse, one of the two reasons cited for development to that position is directly connected with 1) a character defect and 2) a method of measurement that relies only negative feedback. In short, I'm pissed.

Here's the thing, though I am struggling because I know that wanting that title is like wanting a drink. Its dangerous, it makes me do stupid things and it vaporises my progress in the program by the very nature of being present.

But I really wanted it...I really needed it. I feel like without it I am being asked to work on an incredibly hard task without the right tools. It's a pure ego trip and my ego ain't happy in the back seat. 

Back way before I stopped drinking, I bought myself a bottle of very expensive cologne. In fact, I normally don't even wear cologne but I had a pretty gift card courtesy of a consulting client I had right out of grad school.  

No longer was I going to be relegated to working for no-name companies. I had fortune 500 brands on my resume and damn it, I was going to smell like it!

Anyway, so that's been my scent for the last 3 and a half years.  It was the cologne I had on the night of my last drunk.  Despite a lot of things swirling around in my head, I didn't throw it away as I had with many of the items that were connected with that night. The cologne just didn't have that association for me.

Flash forward a year and change later.  I have a new job and I'm perfectly happy there.  Lately though, I've been wrapped up in the aesthetics of what I think my role should be.  I have been making myself supremely unhappy not because of the job I'm doing but because I want my ego stroked.

This is where the cologne comes in. If I am going to shift the way I think, I don't want to literally smell like I am trying to justify myself even if it's just when I go out at night.

I thought about this as I was re-filling my travel spritzer this weekend.  I sniffed the scent and it smelled different somehow.  Whereas I might have not originally associated the smell with that night - I now did associate the smell with trying to be something that I don't have to justify myself as being. 

Whether I smell like a million bucks or not, no amount of cologne will make  up for my own inner conviction that I am worth it.  I looked at the cologne, thought about how much the half of the bottle left was worth and I looked at it and then I looked at my reflection in the mirror. 

Beyond all the crap that happens in our lives...all the chaos...all the frustrating stops and starts...I have to believe that there is a grand design.

I know this because I've seen this.  When I finally give up and let fate (aka my HP) take its course, things happen.  Not at all at the pace I would like but it happens.  When it happens, it happens better than expected. 

Somehow along the way though, I forget this.  I get impatient. I think I should take the wheel and try to drive.  I have to remind myself I am in the "doing business" not the "results business."

Case in point; I want a new title at work.

When it comes down to it, I think I really should have this title.  At least that's my ego tells me.  I look around with people of the same title and get frustrated that i have more experience, bring more to the table and end up having more responsibility.

For twist of fate or just weird luck, I don't have this title.  It's not like it makes a whole hell of a lot of difference, internally within the organization. It's not like this title would allow me to admitted into some special club.  Hell, in some respects, I am already there.

I want the title, though because its what someone else has and I don't.  I am comparing my insides to someone else's outsides. I forget that when it comes down to it, I am what what I serve to be not what's conferred upon me. That's where the grand design comes into play.

The grand design, which I have already admitted to knowing works, is going to take me through an excruciatingly slow process before I get to have this title.  I know I'll get it.  It's just a matter of time.  I have to put aside my ego, let go of the wheel and focus on what I can control.

I can't ask my boss why he hasn't given me that title yet.  However, what I can ask is what does he see as my path to getting there.  Then, I have to sit back, accept it and move forward in the only way I know how.  To find the ways I can serve and be of use.  Find the kindness and generosity of the path that I can provide to others and just hope its going to deliver me to the right place.

That's the hardest part - continuing to believe.  Believing in something I can't see.  Maybe perhaps I can see, but it moves so slowly - like the earth itself - that I can't feel it. Putting my faith in a higher power, that things are going to turn out one way or another, acceptance...man, it's just hard.

The wanting, the self-justification. it's all a distraction from the grand design.  It takes an enormous amount of focus, a comfort with discomfort and a lot of faith to stay on track.

As things have gotten better "the want" starts to come back.  Not for a drink but to be better than the guy I see across from me.  To validate my life by drawing a contrast to how much better I am than them.

The problem with this is that I am making myself miserable. I am literally getting so close to the edge on resentments.  That ledge is dangerous.  Dangerous for me, dangerous for my sobriety, dangerous for my progress. 

I hate the feeling of hate.  I am so tired of it.  It's become my new drug of choice. I grind out those resentments like I used to grind out tumblers of burbon.  It intoxicates me, carries me out of myself and I find myself with a hangover the next day.