oh baby i was there for you...

I never saw this fandom coming— the people who changed me, the people I hurt, the lessons I learned, the ways I grew. The truth is, one of the reasons I sidelined myself in this fandom is because I didn’t like the person I had become, and my actions had caused hurt that I needed to take accountability for. So I left. And I did work. And I am SUCH a different person at 34 than I was at 24. But I got that chance. And Liam didn’t. All of the nights spent awake until the early hours of the morning, shitposting and memeing and headcanoning. All of the press junkets, interviews, talk show appearances, performances, releases, charity events. All of the fan initiatives. Project No Control. Rainbow Direction. All of the laughter, some of the best friends I have ever known.

Liam had a part in that. A big part. I remember once, some fandom friends telling me that if I was anyone, I was Liam. I never quite knew how to feel about that. He was a child who was paraded, stripped down, abused, overworked, but he also became someone who was enabled, inflated, unaccountable. And I know what all of that feels like. He never got the chance to grow up, and that’s what fills me with rage the most. Coming from someone who DID get that chance, who has a life beyond her wildest dreams now. Why not him.

I keep thinking about how purely sparkling 2015 was, how giddy and bright-eyed we all were. I’m so sad. I’m so, so sad. I’m so angry, there are so many people I want to torch and pitchfork and roast over a spit. I have no idea how I’m going to ask my boss to work from home tomorrow and how to explain it other than to tell her I don’t feel well.

We have experienced lost. Jay. Fizz. Robin. Others. But I don’t think anything could have ever prepared any of us for this. It was all of our worst unexpressed fears. I just… I love you all. So very much. And I am so, so sorry. May we all remember that We Are 1D Family. We will see each other through this.

i know people change and grief is unsure or complicated when it’s attached to a fond memory or the feeling a person gave you and not tangibly the person themself. i can see many of you on here are struggling with that right now and i understand.

a few years ago i purchased a home that Liam previously owned. there were rumors the house was haunted. He assured me it was not, and i believed him. because i know the ghosts that haunt us aren’t tethered to buildings. They live in parts of us that are harder to reach and they go wherever we do.

You Make Me Proud.

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ONE DIRECTION APPRECIATION MONTH