but you can't take the ER out of the girl

Cicada, Stages of Conventionalization

this is the best picture ever

Is it any wonder they miss? If a single one of these wretched conditions enters the player’s consciousness as they prepare to take their shot, they have two options: pray to God, or make kicking a stationary ball into a net twelve yards away look much, much harder than it is. You’ll see them take extraordinary care while placing the ball, like they’re doing some arcane aerodynamical work with the seams. Then they’ll back up farther than they have to, so they have space to perform a weird stutter-step run-up, as if it takes subtlety and guile to beat the keeper from this distance. Can you blame them? As I write, I’m listening to the announcers criticize Swiss center-back Manuel Akanji, who seconds ago tangoed his way to the ball just to send the shot skyward and is now doubled over with his hands on his knees like he’s about to throw up. “Just kick the ball hard into the goal,” the announcers say. “Keep it simple.”

If you’re winning: every player on the squad goes back to defend the goal, forming an impenetrable barrier. The second a player sees the ball, they kick it up to the fucking sun, stopping any play from the opposing team. If the ref sprays down a foul line, a few players distract them while another covertly erases the line. No beautiful game, just pure fuckery

Last question: what is your biggest dream as a football player? My biggest dream as a football player? It must be to qualify for a World Cup with Norway.