Since July is Disability Pride Month
(as opposed to every other month when we're all demure about disability rights /gentle sarcasm)
I wanted to highlight one of my favorite artists: Liberal Jane.
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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trying on a metaphor

ā
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@harkwhothink
Since July is Disability Pride Month
(as opposed to every other month when we're all demure about disability rights /gentle sarcasm)
I wanted to highlight one of my favorite artists: Liberal Jane.

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My face is having uncontrollable spasms. Great. It hurts really, really, really bad.
I think part of why I have trouble explaining pain to the doctor is when they ask about the pain scale I always think āWell, if someone threw me down a flight of stairs right now or punched me a few times, it would definitely hurt a lot moreā so I end up saying a low number. I was reading an article that said that ā10ā is the most commonly reported number and that is baffling to me. When I woke up from surgery with an 8" incision in my body and I could hardly even speak, I was in the most horrific pain of my life but I said ā6ā because I thought āWell, if you hit me in the stomach, it would be worse.ā
I searched and searched for the post this graphic was from, and the OP deactivated, but I kept the graphic, because my BFF does the same thing, uses her imagination to come up with the worst pain she can imagine and pegs herĀ ā10ā³ there, and so is like, well, Iām conscious, so this must be a 5, and then the doctors donāt take her seriously. (And she then does things like driving herself to the hospital while in the process of giving birth. Probably should have called an ambulance for that one!)
So I found this and sent it to her. Because this is what they want to know: how badly is this pain affecting you? Not on a scale ofĀ ānothingā toĀ āhow Iād imagine itād feel if bears were eating my still-living guts while I was on fireā.Ā
I hate reposting stuff, but Iāll never find that post again and OP is deactivated, so, hereās a repost. I can delete this later, i just wanted to get it to you and I canāt embed images in a chat or an ask.Ā
This is possibly why it took several weeks to diagnose my fractured spine.
Pain Scale transcription:
10 - I am in bed and I canāt move due to my pain. I need someone to take me to the emergency room because of my pain.
9 - My pain is all that I can think about. I can barely move or talk because of my pain.
8 - My pain is so severe that it is difficult to think of anything else. Talking and listening are difficult.
7 - I am in pain all the time. It keeps me from doing most activities.
6 - I think about my pain all of the time. I give up many activities because of my pain.
5 - I think about my pain most of the time. I cannot do some of the activities I need to do each day because of the pain.
4 - I am constantly aware of my pain but can continue most activities.
3 - My pain bothers me but I can ignore it most of the time.
2 - I have a low level of pain. I am aware of my pain only when I pay attention to it.
1 - My pain is hardly noticeable.
0 - I have no pain.
Itās also really important to get this kind of scale to people who have chronic pain, because chronic pain drastically lowers your perception of howĀ ābadā any kind of pain actually is, and yet something like this pain scale is extremely user friendly.Ā
For example, if someone asked me how much pain Iām in at any given time, Iād say hardly any, and yet Iām apparently at a chronic 2.5, and it only goes up from there depending on the day.Ā
Thereās also a similarly usefulĀ āFatigue Scaleā
I havenāt been below a 5 on this scale for 4 yearsĀ
Hereās the fatigue scale
Fatigue scale image desc:
10: can barely move; canāt talk
9: can barely move; can talk
8: can move, but canāt do much more than watch TV
7: can watch TV and play a game on my phone simultaneously
6: can do work on my computer lying in bed
5: can get around the house, but definitely couldnāt go out
4: can run a light errand
3: can get in my 10,000 steps, making my fitbit happy
2: can do three or more activities in a single day
1: going clubbing!
See also the Mental Health Pain Scale by Graceful Patient:
Mental Health Pain Scale transcription:
MILD
1 - Everything is a-okay! There is absolutely nothing wrong. Youāre probably cuddling a fluffy kitten right now. Enjoy!
2 - Youāre a bit frustrated or disappointed, but youāre easily distracted and cheered up with a little effort.
3 - Things are bothering you, but youāre coping. You might be overtired or hungry. The emotional equivalent of a headache.
MODERATE
4 - Today is a bad day (or a few bad days). You still have the skills to get through it, but be gentle with yourself. Use self-care strategies.
5 - Your mental health is starting to impact on your everyday life. Easy things are becoming difficult. You should talk to your doctor.
6 - You canāt do things the way you usually do them due to your mental health. Impulsive and compulsive thoughts may be hard to cope with.
SEVERE
7 - Youāre avoiding things that make you more distressed, but that will make it worse. You should definitely seek help. This is serious.
8 - You canāt hide your struggles any more. You may have issues sleeping, eating, having fun, socialising, and work/study. Your mental health is affecting almost all parts of your life.
9 - Youāre at a critical point. You arenāt functioning any more. You need urgent help. You may be a risk to yourself or others if left untreated.
10 - The worst mental and emotional distress possible. You can no longer care for yourself. You canāt imagine things getting any worse. Contact a crisis line immediately.
These are so important! SO SO IMPORTANT SHARE THIS AND SAVE IT TO SHOW YOUR DOCTORS!
there is actually a correct way to play dnd
the dm is also a player and i need everyone to understand this. you cant just expect them to do everything they should be having fun as well even if they have put more work into the sessions like its so much more fun and refreshing to play with people who carry on conversations with npcs, roleplay long scenes amongst themselves and like Initiate things without me having to step in!!! im not gonna do everything for you!! engage with me but dont expect me to play the game for you
i run/ran so many games where people are just not paying attention to me "tell me when its my turn" is the worst thing to say ever, and like its so bad to watch people joke amongst themselves and just ask me for directions or how hot a character is
my everyday status on discord

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Wolves React To Gamekeeper Who Had Been Away On Maternity Leave
āWHEREāS YOUR PUPPY! WE WANNA SEE YOUR PUPPY! DID YOU JUST HAVE THE ONE? DO YOU HAVE THEM WITH YOU? ARE THERE PHOTOS?ā
Iām not a hundred percent positive but Iām pretty sure this is the wild life center where I visited wolves.
And the safety briefing included the question āSo if youāre pregnant, do you want to know or not?ā
Turns out there had been a bit of an awkward situation once where the keepers had casually mentioned a womanās pregnancy in a group, and she herself didnāt even know yet. Turns out the wolves are excellent at telling if youāre pregnant and the keepers can tell based on their body language.Ā They get all odd and careful around pregnancy. (Even wolves knows that you have to take care of pregnant people.)
So they definitely knew she was pregnant.
And if I remember my BBC documentaries right, a wolf will leave the pack to give birth and introduce the cubs to the pack once she feels ready for it. And maternity leave is flexible but often around 6 months so theyāre going āYOU WERE GONE FOREVER! WE WERE SO WORRIED! WHERE ARE THE CUBS?? WE HAVE TO GREET THE CUBS!!āĀ
Also the two on her back are fighting over who gets to greet her first. Giving and receiving attention is a commodity that goes by hierarchy and if you donāt accept that there will be scuffles.. The wolf lying down next to her isnāt chill about her coming back, itās just submissive to the other wolves and waiting for itās turn to show excitement.
Now I can see why we domesticated these adorable jerks.
Wolf packs have maternity leave?
Wolves: better than American companies.
remember, this is for a DOOR lock.
remember that when picking a DOOR lock, you have to apply a little bit of pressure to your tension wrench (the thing that you use to turn the knob). too little or too much and you wont be able to pick the door open. you can use anything for the tension wrench. a bobby pin. bits of wire. a paper clip. etc.
its best to be completely silent when youre picking locks bc theres this smallĀ āclickā when youre picking that you might miss if youre using headphones or listening to music.
.
if youre picking one of these
you jam something thin and long above one of the rotation dials and you push up on the shackle.
. if its one of these
you get yourself some shims. (or make one. you can make shims out of fucking soda cans), you wiggle them in the tiny space between the shackle and the body of the lock, and you pop these suckers open.
. for a chain deadbolt,
you get something flexible but sturdy and you just push this fucker down
. for one of these rotating combination locks
you can also shim this motherfucker open. jam your shims between the shackle and the body and pry it unlocked. if, for some reason, you dont wanna shim it open, maybe you dont have a shim or you just like a challenge, this bitch can be decoded ridiculously easy. heres what you do:
spin this bitch to the right about two or three times toĀ āresetā it. then you pull up on the shackle a bit, and turn it right slowly until you hear a click. your number is two spaces further. then you turn left 360 degrees until you land on the right number again, and start turning this motherfucker left until it stops. when it stops, turn right. if its loose, its the wrong number, keep going left. if its not loose, you have the right number, and you turn right all the way until this bitch pops
.
now you know how to pick several common locks!!!!! congratulations!!!!
donāt mind me im just reblogging
Yall need to look up the Lock Picking Lawyer on YouTube too, heās amazing.
His videos are always so blazĆ©, like āhereās yet another fucking disappointing lock to pickā and heās so good.
@cackledaddy
just for your viewing interest
Completely innocent reblog
The most non suspicious reblog
I fuckinf needed this
the crushing guilt of being unproductive vs the exhaustion of being burned out. fight.
A new challenger appears: the paralyzation of anxiety!
In case you were wondering, as a writer of original fictional stories and future author of many stories, yes I support fan fiction and fan works. Whole-heartedly and without condition. When I publish my stories one day, it will be an honor to see that someone has been so inspired by my work that they have chosen to use it as a way to develop their critical reading and writing skills and want to expand it or explore it more in ways that I havenāt. I will never see fan works as a nuisance or an insult. Never. And, if youāre a writer who agrees with me, I think you should remind your fanbase of this too.Ā

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Humans AreĀ Weird
So there has been a bit ofĀ āwhat if humans were the weird ones?ā going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?Ā
What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are allĀ āSCORE! Earth like world! Letās get exploring before we get out competed!ā And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just ⦠there⦠counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.Ā
To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of aĀ āhumans are awesomeā fiction megapost:Ā āyou donāt know youāre from a Death World until you leave it.ā For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australia.
Earth being Space Australia Words cannot express how much I love these posts
Alien: āIām sorry, whatĀ did you just say your comfortable temperature range is?ā
Human:Ā āHonestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.ā
Alien:Ā āā¦ā¦. Iām sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?ā
Human:Ā āYeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.āĀ
Other human:Ā āNah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.ā
Human:Ā āHeh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.ā
Alien:Ā āā¦ā¦. And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to boiling?ā
Human:Ā āEugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.āĀ
Alien:Ā āā¦ā¦. Weāve got like 50 uninhabitable planets we think you might enjoy.āĀ
āYouāre telling me that you have⦠settlements. On islands with active volcanism?ā āWell, yeah. Iām not about to tell Iceland and Hawaii how to live their lives. Actually, itās kind of a tourist attraction.ā āWhat, the molten rock?ā āWell, yeah! Itās not every day you see a mountain spew out liquid rocks! The best one is Yellowstone, though. All these hot springs and geysers from the supervolcanoāā āYou ACTIVELY SEEK OUT ACTIVE SUPERVOLCANOES?ā āShit, man, we swim in the groundwater near them.ā
Sounds like the āDamnedā trilogy by Alan Dean Foster.
āAnd you say the poles of your world would get as low as negative one hundred with wind chill?āĀ
āYup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about.ā
āAmazing! when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures?ā
ā⦠well, actuallyā¦ā
ā⦠what?ā
āā¦we kindaā¦ā¦. sentā¦ā¦ā¦.. peopleā¦..ā
āā¦ā
āā¦ā
āā¦what?ā
āwe sent-ā
āno yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent⦠HUMANS⦠to a place one hundred degrees below freezing?ā
āy-yeahā
āand they didnāt⦠die?ā
āWell the first few didā
āPEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?ā
My new favorite Humans are Weird quote
āPEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE?ā
aka The History of Russia
aka Arctic Exploration
aka The History of Alaska
Being from Alaska, this was sort of how I felt going to college in the lower 48ā²s and learned that no one else had been put through a literal survival camp as a regular part of their school curriculum, including but not limited to:
1. Learning to recognize all forms of animal tracks in the wild so you can avoid bears and moose and search out rabbits and other small animals to eat.
2. Extensive swimming and climbing on glacial pieces with competitions to see who could last the longest, followed by a group sit in the sauna so we wouldnāt get hypothermia (no, not kidding, I really did this many times as a kid!)
3. How to navigate using the stars to get back to civilization.
4. How to select the right type of moss from the trees to start a fire with damp wood (because, yāknow, youāre in a field of snow. Nothing is dry.)
5. How to carve out a small igloo-like space to sleep in the snow to preserve body heat and reduce the windchill so you wonāt freeze to death in the arctic.
āIām telling you, I donāt think we need to worry about territory conflicts with the humans. You know all those deathtrap hell-worlds in the Argoth Cluster?ā āThose worthless rocks? Yeah.ā ā80% of them are considered āresort destinationsā by those freaky little primates.ā
āIām telling you, they terraform for fun!ā āDonāt be ridiculousā āNo, seriously. Some of their most celebrated cultural loci are built on swamps. They have an entire city that is literally in a body of water. Not, like, an artificial pontoon city, they literally sunk the foundations into water. For Grilpās sake, they build elaborate structures out of frozen water AND THEN SLEEP IN THEM.ā āDear Thilak. Think we could get them to terraform our moons?ā āPsh, theyād probably pay for the privilege.ā
Eventually, it occurs to someone that humans are the perfect terraforming shock troops, as it were. They think itās fun to be sent to horrible planets! Theyāre really good at surviving and then taming them! All you have to do is sit back and wait until the planet is habitable, and then move there yourself! Itās genius.
It only takes one try before the reality of the situation sets in: human definitions ofĀ ātamingā and āhabitableā are woefully incomplete.
āWhy did you not eliminate the venomous plant life?ā Grahsskāti moans, clutching one limb.
āThose?ā The human laughs.Ā āWhy bother? Theyāre not that bad. And they eat the mosquitoes.ā
Grahsskāti shudders. TheĀ āmosquitoesā are⦠not to be mentioned. Just one swarm of them caused a landing shuttle to crash three planetary daylights ago.
āAnd the acid storms? Why did you not warn us of them?ā
āI mean, theyāre annoying,ā the human says, shrugging,Ā ābut we figured the cool sunsets made up for it.ā
Grahsskāti flails helplessly. āWhat about the ten-meter tall Fanged Death Bringers? They can eliminate an entire settlement in under an hour!ā
āTheyāre so cute!ā the human says, brightening.Ā āHave you met mine? Her name is Spot!ā
Humans are told of some planet or region of space that is consideredĀ ācompletely and utterly inhospitable - it would be folly to try and settle there.ā
Without fail, a decent number make it a point to settle there becauseĀ āFuck You Thatās Why.ā It doesnāt matter how uneconomical it is, how difficult the conditions are, how utterly ridiculous it may seem, there will be at least one human who will attempt to do it only because someone else regardless of species says it is improbable or WORSE impossible.Ā
āThis moon is still forming as such it is primarily soft - by that I mean most of the magma is close to the surface and-ā āOH BADASS you mean its like Mustafar right!?!?!?! Iām totally going to build a castle there.ā āWhat. I mean. There is NO fertile ground there whatsoever. No ecosystem. It is molten rock and minerals only.ā āWhich will make my castle there look METAL AS FUCK am I RIGHT!?!??! Come on. COME ON. I TAUGHT YOU HOW TO FISTBUMP COME ON.ā āā¦.youā¦.you are going to die, you know this right?ā āIām getting the feeling you donāt want to come to Lava Castle for some reason?ā
āListen, lad. Iāve built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was molten magma. All those aliens said I was daft to build a castle on a molten planet, but I built it all the same, just to show āem. It sank into the magma. So, I built a second one. That sank into the magma. So I built a third one. That spontaneously combusted, turned to ash, then sank into the magma. But the fourth one stayed up. Anā thatās what your gonna get, lad ā the strongest castle in this solar system.ā
āIām gonna need for you to explainĀ āhurricane partiesā to me again. Ā You humans have the technology to track these apocalyptic storms of wind and rain and predict where on the landmass theyāll hit up to a week in advance. Ā And youā¦have social gatherings during them?ā
āWell yeah, but only up to about Category 3 strength. Ā Then itās time to pack the car and head inland for most people, although a few hardy souls stick around and ride them out.ā
āOh good. Ā Category 3 is what again? Ā Winds up to 75 kilometers per hour?ā
āNo no, Category 3 starts at 175 kilometers per hour. Ā You left off the one.ā
Iām sure Iāve reblogged some version of this before, but I needed the STRONGEST CASTLE IN THIS SOLAR SYSTEM on my blog.
āThis planet is so cool!ā
āItās a planet completely made of ice.ā
āYeah! Letās send some scientists! Or I could be the youngest person there!ā
āYouād die, itās below freezing level!ā
āBut the blizzards are so pretty!ā
āThe storms of dEATH ARE NOT PRETTY!ā
āPEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?ā
āNo, of course not.Ā NobodyĀ āsentā anyone, they just went up there on their own.ā
āThey WHAT?ā
Oh my fuck nuggets, the actual thread
@hellsite-hall-of-fame
I am a little high but what if people proposed with beautiful, intricate knives. Ladies would gather around the table and be like āguess what finally happened!!ā And pull this beautiful, intricate dagger out of her purse and all the other ladies would gasp and congratulate her
Me: Iām a little high but ā
Y'all rushing to that reblog button:
Itās an awesome idea tho
Because I have a tag for pretty weaponry, some knives Iād accept as proposals follow:
I said yes!Ā
(but, actually, hubby bought me a dive knife when we got married so this worksā¦)
I can 100% get behind this as a new tradition.
Ok but this is amazing becuase knives are dangerous and you can use them to hurt other people but when someone proposes with one itās symbolic like āyes I love you and trust you so much Iām asking you a very vulnerable question with something you could hurt me with but I know you wonātā
@kinglesbiancore
@lady-redshield-writes this seems up your alley
This isnāt just up my alley, itās traveled all the way down the alley, through my front door, and is sitting on my couch. I love this so much.
@sparklemotion24 I know weāre doing rings but these are amazing
AAAAAAAHHHH ITāS THE POST IāVE SEEN IN SCREENSHOTS donāt mind if I just-
the only way im getting married
This absolutely made it into our pirate game where courting daggers as gifts are literally the first overture of formal courting rituals XD
I really need to remember allllll of this. thank you again for the wonderful work you do, your comics are so helpful and relatable!Ā
it's okay to eat.
it's okay to eat if you've already eaten today.
it's okay to eat if you haven't excerised today.
it's okay to eat if you don't feel like you've "earned" it.
it's okay to eat whatever you want. food has no inherent morality attached to it. eat a cookie, a salad, some noodles - whatever you want. we're trained to see food as the enemy, but it should be so much more! food keeps us alive, and allows us to do every wonderful thing we do every day. food should be your friend. you don't have to earn any type of food, or any at all. food is a necessity.
it's okay to eat. period.
This thread omg
Family doesnāt have to be blood related.
Sometimes family is a righteously angry little girl, her supportive brother, a random stranger with a thirst for chaos and justice, two foreign grandmas, and The Rest Of The Plane.
Yes. So much yes.

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complete silence is more distracting than background noise and you can fight me on this
let me explain, if I donāt have background noise my brain will make itās own background noise and Brain Background Noise is infinitely more distracting than Regular Background Noise
Personally, I donāt really see anything wrong with giving Luke to Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. What else was Obi-Wan gonna do? (He pretty much raised Anakin and look how that turned out, heās not gonna risk Round 2.) (He could have given both kiddos to Bail and Breha Organa, actually. Luke and Leia Organa is a cool as heck AU.)
I like Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. As much as people like to say Luke really is Padmeās son, he didnāt get those morals from her. (Keeping in mind I have read no comics or novelizations, and not seen the Clone Wars TV show) Itās pretty clear that Lukeās iron spine and goodness and refusal to abandon his friends come from his upbringing. Owen and Beru Lars are kinda the Ma and Pa Kent of the Star Wars universe.Ā
And they are Lukeās family. Owen is Shmiās stepson. Owen and Beru probably knew Anakinās mother for years. Itās a neat circle, and in some ways it has the feelings of an apology, for Obi-Wan to bring Luke back to his family on Tatooine in the same way that Qui-Gon took Anakin. Obi-Wan canāt undo whatās been done, and he canāt start over, but he can give Luke what the Jedi denied Anakin: a loving family and normal upbringing.Ā
Tatooine is Darth Vaderās home planet? Yeah, sure, but did Anakin ever go back to Tatooine? (Probably once or twice, Iām guessing, in the comics at least.) Darth Vader hates that place. Bad memories. Damn sand would fuck up his suit. Heād burn it all down and then the Hutts are gonna be pissed. And how many people actually know that Darth Vader is Anakin Skywalker? Like, about five? (Bail, Obi-Wan, Yoda, R2-D2, and Ahsoka?) Dude is not exactly getting invites to school reunions and the weddings of childhood friends, is all Iām saying.Ā
Even if Darth Vader ever went back to Tatooine, Tatooine is a big place. The Lars Farm is in the middle of nowhere and Obi-Wan is hanging out left of the funky rock five miles past nowhere.Ā Anakin met his stepbrother once in the entire film trilogy and idk if they even exchanged words, much less space e-mail addresses. I kind of doubt that Uncle Owen and Darth Vader are sending each other Life Day e-cards. (Thatās really funny, actually.)Ā
Anyway, the point of this rant is that I want you to imagine new parents Owen and Beru Lars caring for toddler Luke, itās just after Life Day, and someone rings the doorbell. Owen Lars opens up to Darth Vader holding a fruit basket, because he didnāt know what else to do for Life Day and spontaneously decided to visit distant family rather than mope in his Evil Castle again.Ā
(Everything Obi-Wan hoped would never happen, just⦠happening.)
Owen, after introductions, panicking,Ā āUh⦠the suit is⦠new.āĀ
He has to invite Vader in, because itās Life Day and how exactly do you tell Darth Vader to fuck off? Then Owen and Beru have a hushed argument in the kitchen while Darth Vader is sitting awkwardly in their living room with a drink that he canāt actually drink but took to be polite. When they come out, they introduce Luke as Luke Whitesun, Beruās late brotherās kid, which they guess makes Luke⦠Darth Vaderās⦠nephew. (They canāt hide him, Vaderās already seen this 2-3 yr old Luke and the house is COVERED in baby and kid stuff.)Ā
And Darth Vader just⦠fucking falls for it.Ā
And the Lars family has to spend the holidays with Uncle Darth Vader who is super keen to have a step-nephew-in-law. Beru is showing off her cross-stitching to Darth fucking Vader as Luke plays at their feet. Owen is in the kitchen sending a desperate space text to Obi-Wan, who basically has a heart attack on the spot when Owen sends a shitty stealth-pic of Darth Vader on their couch.Ā
Bonus points if the Larsā donāt even move after this, because Vader left without issue and Uncle Owen afterwards was like,Ā āIt turned out fine. I donāt want to move, thatās too much hassle.ā So, every major holiday, Luke gets a visit from his Uncle Darth Vader, which works out fine so long as they instigate a āDonāt Talk About Politicsā rule when Luke starts getting excited about Rebellions and starts bad-mouthing the Empire (Vader making small talk at a Star Destroyer water cooler to his terrified staff: āUgh, Iām going to have to debate my liberal 13-yr-old nephew at the dinner table again.ā), and Vader even helps with the dishes and stuff, and every time Obi-Wan ages an extra year from stress.Ā
Guys, please, the way this continues is that the general events of the Star Wars universe continue as normal (Leia, having literally just left a space battle:Ā āDarth Vader, the AUDACITY of attacking an innocent diplomatic vessel!ā) UNTIL the stormtroopers show up at the Lars Farm. (Luke is desperately chasing down the droids he lost and properly meeting Obi-Wan Kenobi.)Ā
At first, itās business as usual, yāknow? Stormtroopers break down the door and interrogate the occupants and start prepping to burn the place down, and the leader is in the middle of shouting,Ā āTELL US WHERE THE DROIDS A-ā when he pauses and just⦠stares⦠at the mantlepiece.Ā
Because on the Lars family mantlepiece and walls are, like, a hundred family photos and roughly half of them have Darth Vader in them. Thereās Darth Vader wearing a Life Day party hat at a dinner table. Thereās Darth Vader holding a toddler and playing with model ships. Thereās Darth Vader and a pimply thirteen year old in the stands at the Boonta Eve Classic. There is a cross-stitched pillow on the couch that says OUR FAMILY on it, consisting of a man, a woman, a boy, and Darth fucking Vader.Ā
Stormtrooper Grunt #1:Ā āWhat⦠what⦠what the fuck.āĀ
Aunt Beru, who has HAD it with these guys wrecking her house, already angrily jabbing at their space phone:Ā āI am calling Mr. Vader RIGHT NOW about this.āĀ
Darth Vader, excusing himself from the bridge of his Star Destroyer to take a call from his stepsister-in-law:Ā āBeru. This isnāt a good time-āĀ
Beru:Ā āWell, MAKE TIME, because your stormtroopers broke down our door and tracked SAND all over my nice clean floors and they wonāt stop yelling about the droids we just bought! You better have a good explanation for this!āĀ
Darth Vader does not, actually, have a good explanation for this. The stormtroopers can feel his wrath from across the galaxy. Itās a work thing and heās very sorry and heāll make the stormtroopers fix their door, but he does really need those droids and could they hand them over, please? Heāll have the Empire compensate them. Yes, heāll pay them back and send new droids. Yes, kicking doors down is very rude, Beru, youāre absolutely right.Ā
So Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru promise to pick up Luke and the droids, and hop in the spare Landspeeder to go looking for them. Owen is Not Happy to find that Obi-Wanās given Luke a lightsaber, and Aunt Beru is Not Happy to find out that the Empireās made some superweapon. Of course they have to get these plans to the Rebellion! Yes, she promised Vader, but he should have told her it was for such a terrible thing! Yes, Owen, theyāre all going to Alderaan.Ā
So the Lars family runs away to Mos Eisley and get on the Millennium Falcon to Alderaan, while the stormtroopers are standing around like,Ā āAre they⦠coming⦠back???ā And Han Solo does not know what the hell is going on or what to do about the Weird Old Wizard talking about āuniverse-penetrating magicā, or the Grumpy Farmer who keeps trying to fix hisĀ āpiece of junkā ship that excuse you does not need fixing, or the Sunny Farm Boy waving a light sword around, or the kindly old woman who is currently cross-stitching in his back seat and gossiping with Chewie like heās not even there.Ā
Later, after the Death Starās been destroyed, Owen and Beru Lars are now a part of the Rebellion with Luke. Beru sends Darth Vader a piece of fabric in the Space Mail, and itās the little cross-stitched Vader from her OUR FAMILY pillow whoās been cut out because sheās mad at him. (Except her note says DISAPPOINTED and thatās worse.) Darth Vader is more upset about this than the Emperor being mad at him for the destruction of the Death Star.Ā
This is such a wild ride and I want more.
Please, kind writer, may I have some more?
See, the thing about Uncle Darth Vader is that the Lars family lives in the middle of nowhere Tatooine. Luke has to get his news off his friends, who have to get their news from shitty Space Radio, and the Empireās suppressing a good three-quarters of the terrible things it does. The Lars family, largely, has no idea who this Darth Vader guy is except that heās Anakin, who did a bunch of shit in the Clone Wars and heās evil now? (Obi-Wan is dying, guys. Heās dying.)Ā
Oh, yeah, quick summary: the events on the Death Star proceeded more or less as they did in canon. Except Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru donāt make convincing stormtroopers, so they tagged along with the droids and found the Death Star Laundry Service and dressed up as an Empire officer and his wife on their way to a vacation on Beach Resort Planet. Luke and Han sneaking Leia out is a lot easier with Admiral Lars and his wife loudly complaining to every stormtrooper they come across that their ship isnāt being fixed fast enough and sending stormtroopers marching off in every direction.Ā
(The Empire⦠does not⦠have high standards⦠for officers. It is corrupt as hell. The stormtroopers look at this middle-aged, slightly chubby guy complaining obnoxiously about his ship not being fixed fast enough, and his overbearing wife complaining shrilly about not being able to get their deposit back, and are like,Ā āThis is legit. Also, sir, Iām part of sanitation, I donāt fix ships. I donāt know where customer service is⦠this is a Death Star. We donāt have customer service. Uh, I guess my āmanagerā would be Admiral Bob??? Oh, well, youāre right, I should go clean up that mess you saw on the other floor. I will agree to literally anything you say to get away from you.ā)Ā
So, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru get to the Rebellion, right? (And they have already adopted the heck out of Leia, who has been given ALL the Aunt Beru hugs.) And someone starts listing off ALL of the awful stuff that Darth Vader has done, like, the dude is SUPER EVIL. And the Lars family is just⦠what. (And itās a good thing that Obi-Wan is already dead by this point, or Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru would bring him back just to kill him again.)Ā
Luke goes to destroy the Death Star and Vader is just like,Ā āLuke???? What are you doing???ā And Luke is ignoring all of Vaderās attempts to comm him and blows up the Death Star while giving his uncle the cold shoulder.Ā
And later, at the Rebellion, people are likeĀ āDarth Vader is your uncle???ā And Lukeās just like,Ā āYEAH, AND A LIAR!!!ā (Later, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru will have a long talk with Luke about the truth and the lies they told. And Luke will forgive them because he loves them and they love him, but this doesnāt really change much, especially about how mad he is at his dad.)Ā
Later, when they finally meet again. The rebels are just⦠completely stunned⦠because Darth Vader is desperately trying to get through to Luke, like,Ā āLuke, nephew, please, letās just talk about this. Beru wonāt answer my voice mails. Owen unfriended me on Space Chat. We can talk about this.āĀ
And Luke is angrily shooting at Darth Vader and shouting,Ā āWhatās there to talk about?! Itās not like you LIED TO US ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU DID BY TELLING US YOU WORKED IN I.T.?!??āĀ
āLukeā¦ā
āYOU DONāT WORK IN I.T.!ā
@feathersandpaintbrushes