everything haqi style

Fuck the younger generation.

Another post.

Quite rare to have two right after another.

Anyways, the topic will be suicide. Rather, my suicide.

This isn't the first time I've thought about this either. I've had experiences, whether it be over academics or emotions. But this time I had a scaring thought: "Will she even care if I died right now?"

One would think 11 years would make it so that she would care deeply if I in fact did die, but our relationship has been so strained and pushed that, honestly, I don't think she even cares about me at all. When we met in the past, it was full of smiles and long conversations, but now its a simple wave and a "hi". She treats everyone else so much more nicely I feel unnecessary in her life.

It's been a year.

More like, its been about 11 years.

For the first time in a while I hung out with some friends. We went off to a Korean restaurant and a boba place, and went home. Yet on the way home I felt uncomfortable. Probably because I didn't really think about this kind of stuff until on the way back. On my mind was her. How she's been. How she's handling things. Other stuff. Yet she wasn't there with us.

I started thinking about her only because, in the past, I suspected one of the people on the car to have liked her a lot in the past. Of course I didn't tell anyone about it, although I did drop hints of my shipping them together in the past (even though it hurt to avoid the truth about my feelings about this).

I kept thinking. On the car ride, they started to go on the topic of her, about how other people we knew might have liked her. What about me? Do I still like her? The entire time I couldn't stop attempting to sort out my feelings. 11 years. Why didn't anything work out? My life would be easier if I never met her in the first place. What if she disappeared?

The moment I thought that thought, I realized my life was ruined long ago. I'm a pathetic man who lives for selfish reasons. Although I seem nice (err debatable) on the outside, it is only to balance out my selfish feelings for her. That sickened me. Nothing about me had changed. My 7 year old personality was still deeply influencing my love life in the present. And I guess it's really impacting me in a negative way.

There's just so much more I want to say but in the end everything comes down to how pathetic I am.

I was hanging out with 6 other friends and we decided to go to a restaurant called Limecicle. The menu was strange, and because I was so indecisive I took like 30 min to pick something. In the end I picked the boba noodles, which I thought read as easy cup noodles. While I was waiting in line, one of my friends in that group sat really far away from the others, and she happened to be a person that I like. I wasn't sure whether or not I should sit next to her or the others, since I was a pretty good friend of hers too. After I placed my order she sat next to the others. Then I waited a very long time for my order as I somehow ended up sitting next to her again. No Limecicle was on the side :(

My birthday.

Do I feel older? Or do I feel younger? To be honest, I think discovering myself hasn't been harder since high school. High school was pretty amateur compared to now. I've just only been a lazy fuck this entire quarter, and honestly nothing I do changes that.

I also missed my math final.

Finals week is next week. I haven't really studied or anything so I don't really expect any good grades on my finals.

College is just getting harder and harder while I'm getting lazier and lazier. I still don't think college is the place for me.

I guess on the bright side I'm making more and more friends.

can't register for classes