s*t I do

My high school library actually had a really good side-by-side translation, with all of the Spanish puns and aphorisms footnoted Pratchett-style. And it was stashed in the farthest, darkest, quietest corner of the library, so being the lonely, AuDHD, egg I was, I read it like five times through my four years of high school.

Turns out, it's fucking hilarious if you actually can get a copy that explains the Spanish jokes. This old man is obsessed with reading adventure heroes like King Arthur and El Cid and the Paladins of Charlemagne and such. He finally cracks and thinks he's such an adventurer. Though his family owns a little land, he's pretty much flat broke, so he can't really afford things like armor or a warhorse or a squire or anything. But fortunately, he's also completely delusional, so he dresses himself in rusty, fake, display armor from the hallway, finds a fairly large kitchen knife and a pot lid for a sword and shield, and he saddles up the farm's old, nearly-dead plow-horse and rides off as an adventuring knight.

Don Quixote also recruits his family's last servant, Sancho Panza, as his squire. Sancho goes along because he's like "y'all are running out of money to pay me, my wife's a nag, and my daughter is grown with zero prospects of marriage because she's as ugly as her father, so fuckit, let's go be knights." Sancho Panza plays earthy straight man to Don Quixote's zany old coot, and the interplay between the two of them is a lot of fun.

Most of the situations the two get involved in are because Don Quixote is completely delusional. Most people know about the story of him charging at windmills thinking they were dragons, but there are a number of other situations. If I recall correctly, he visits a brothel thinking it a castle and demands to be knighted by the innkeeper/pimp in charge (who mostly agrees to it to get rid of him since he beat up the stablehands, thinking them bandits), he beats up a master who was beating a servant and makes him promise to treat him better (the beating resumes as soon as he leaves, but you know, he tried), things like that. Mostly picking fights with people who aren't living up to his fantasy-land ethics, which honestly isn't the worst thing.

The big thing is that by the end of the story, Don Quixote eventually becomes a lot more jaded and practical. He is forced by his family to retire, and loses all hope in his chivalric dreams. However, Sancho Panza actually becomes more hopeful, that maybe the world sucks now but can be a better place if you believe in a better world hard enough. Sancho learns to read and write on their journey, even though at the start he considered such things frivolous, and he even tries to get Don Quixote to go adventuring again, but the old man has lost all interest. It's strongly implied that Don Quixote dies of a broken heart, but that Sancho Panza spends the rest of his life engaging in small, practical heroism like feeding people, helping them, etc.

Also I find endearing it's a true historical view of some of the problems the kingdom of Castille had, and how common people saw it: At the time the "blood purity" obsession was on the verge (Cervantes makes Sancho Panza proud to be an "old Christian"- at the time that meant he hadn't jewish nor moorish ascendants- I find that is a joke from Cervantes, like saying "the only way to be an Old Christian is to be a humble castillan labourer whose family hasn't gone out of their village for centuries"), and the expellion of the Moriscos (the last descents of muslims spanish) had happened by the sole command of king Philliph III. Historians agree that it was a very unnecessary move made more of fear for the turkish power and berber piracy than for any other practical questions, since these moriscos were well integrated in the society. In Don Quixote village there is in fact moriscos, Ricote and her daughther, who are expelled and found by Sancho and Quixote in their way to the exile. Sancho begins to speak about how sad and unfair it is. This scene is really pungent when you take in consideration that Sancho is an "Old Christian", he shouldn't be even speaking to them, but he doesn't care really much about how his religion is or what his "bloodline status" is, he is sad that two good people and friends have to go, and Cervantes decided to write it, which meant it was a consensus about the own unfairness of all the thing.

this is one of my favorites

~ Treasure of Boscoreale: Goblet with Skeletons

Date: 25 B.C-A.D. 50

Period: Imperial Period

Culture: Roman

Place of origin: Italy, Boscoreale (Villa de la Pisanella)

Everyone I Love Is Dead

The English Have Stolen All My Sheep

You Want To Be My Boyfriend? First You Must Answer These Riddles Three

The Protestants Have Stolen All My Sheep

I Love You A Lot But You’ve Left Me And It’s Raining [fiddle solo]

The Sea Is Treacherous, Just Like The English

One Time Bonnie Prince Charlie Punched Me In The Face And It Was Awesome

* Everyone I Love Is An Allegorical Representation of Ireland

* The English Stole My Farm And Put Sheep On It

* You Were My Boyfriend But Now You Won’t Even Come To The Window To Look Upon Me And Our Dead Infant Child (In The Rain)

* Whack Fol Too La Roo Umptytiddly Good They’ve Stopped Listening Now Let’s Talk About Revolution

genres include:

I Left Everyone I Love Back Home In The Holler To Be With This Guy Who Doesn’t Wear Shoes Or Have Teeth But He Plays A Mean Jug

The English Told Us Not To Move West Yet, We Ignored Them, My Entire Family Was Killed

You Were My Boyfriend But You Tied A Sack Of Rocks To My Petticoats And Threw Me In The Creek (And My Baby Too)

Mama Loves All 14 Of Us A Lot But She’s Weary Of Our Shit And Now She’s Dyin’ (Gather Round)

The McCleans Stole A Firewood Log From Our Pile So We Won’t Rest Until The Last Of Their Male Kin Is Laid In The Cold Ground

We Knew The River Would Rise But We Still Didn’t Fix The Levee 

The River Rose, The Levee Broke, Everyone Died, It Was Just As We Reckoned (dulcimer twang-a-lang) 

When The Rebels Come A-Marchin’ I’m A Southern Man And I Feed Their Horses My Best, When The Yankees Come A-Marchin’ I’m A Northern Man And I Feed Their Horses What The Rebels Left

I think someone needs to put in a word for the English folk tradition though:

I Met a Girl and We Went Hunting (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)

I Met a Girl and We Caught Some Birds (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)

I Met a Girl and We Found Her Lost Pet (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)

I Met a Girl By Staying At Her Parents’ House and She Made My Bed (It Was an Especially Thinly-Veiled Metaphor for Sex)

I Am a Girl and I Regret Engaging In Metaphors for Sex Because Now I’m Pregnant

I Met a Girl and Bribed Her Into Sex But She Stole My Horse and Ran Away With It

I Met a Girl At an Inn and We Had Non-Metaphorical Sex But She Stole My Stuff The Next Morning and Now I Have Syphilis

Your Fiance Died Either at Trafalgar or Waterloo, Let’s Get Married, I’m Glad You Said No Because I’m Really Him In Disguise

Lord Nelson Sure Was Awesome

The Press-Gang Dragged Off All the Important Men in My Life (And Now They Are Dead)

Farm Laborers Are The Salt of the Earth And Are Never Grindingly Poor

I Went Out Riding and Noticed Mongolia

We Fought a Bunch of Guys (On Horseback)

Witness My Many Ungulates

(While On a Horse) I Met a Hot Girl Who Reminded Me of a Plant

On Three, Say What That Terrain Feature Looks Like to You (One, Two, Three, A Horse)

Witness My Many Ancestors’ Many Ungulates

I Also Enjoy Heavy Metal, Especially If It’s Made of Horseshoes

Oooorrrrweeeeuuurrrreeeeuuuuwwwwwrrrrrrrr (Is Tuvan for “Horse”)

We Must Plant the Crops, Let’s Get Drunk! 

We Must Harvest the Crops, Let’s Get Drunk!

There’s No Crops Right Now, Let’s Get Drunk!

Sex On the Beach Is Awesome, War Is Bad

There Are Ghosts in the Trees

The Japanese Exploit Us (And the Americans Do Too)

I Love the Sea, This Island Is Beautiful, War Is Still Bad

Hey, There’s an Old Man, Let’s Get Drunk!

I Am A Brawny-Armed Lumberjack Who Loves a Town Girl, Oh No!

Oh Fuck, I Slept With a Fur Trapper, What Shall I Tell Maman?

Hauling Logs, Rolling Logs, Driving Logs, All Day, What Ho!

Like Hell You’re Marrying That Good for Nothing Bambocheur!

Fetch My Gold Ring That Fell Into the Sea!  Now!

I Met A Sailor While A-Strolling, And Now We Are In Love!

I Want to Kiss the Sailor I Met A-Strolling, But I’m Afraid My Father Will Find Out!

A Spider Has Bitten Me And If I Do Not Dance I Will Die, Alas

I Am A Very Fancy Man With A Very Fancy Hat

The Cable Car Is A Thinly-Veiled Metaphor For Your Feminine Torture, O Woman

Rome Is The Very Best Place And Every Other Place Is Just Awful

I Love You, But You Are Married

I Love You, But You Are Fickle (Why Did You Dance With The Baker’s Son, Thou Vixen?)

I Love You, But You Left Me All Alone On This Romantic Wind-Swept Hillside, Which Is Actually Very Pretty, But Not As Pretty As You, Foul Temptress

Rome Is Still The Best Place And Every Other Place Can Go Right To Hell

Seriously Once You Have Been To Rome You Will Just Be Sick At The Thought Of Being Anywhere Else, You Will Pine Away And Die

I Love You, But You Are Dead (Or Maybe You Just Went To Live In A Slightly Prettier Place)

Rome, Rome, O Rome, Ah Rome, Rome Rome Rome, Have I Mentioned That I Love Rome?

Venetian Special Genres:

Women Are Like The Ocean: Salty And Full Of Drowned Sailors

Women Are Like The Ocean: I Cannot Figure Them Out At All

I Saw You One Time At A Party And I Have Designs Upon Your Feminine Virtue

- That Incompetent Sailor Is Actually A Girl, But She Will Have Sex With You If You Don’t Kick Her Off The Boat

- Someone Of Any Occupation Is Doing Something, But Unfortunately They Are Now Dead

- Fuck You Spain (Haha, We Sunk Your Boat And Stole Your Silver)

- Fuck You England

- We Might Be Small, But We Will Fight You

- Life Isn’t So Bad, If You Just Go Outside

- Fuck You Winter

- Look At That Guy (Wild Racism)

- We Like Going To Other Countries (More Wild Racism)

- Drinking Is Fun

- Drinking Makes Me Long For Sea

- God Is My Dad

There Was A War And Everyone is Dead, There’s Also a Symbolic Bird

There is Going to Be a War And Everyone Will Die, There’s Also a Sybmolic Bird

The Dyeing Is Happening Right Now, There’s Also a Symbolic Bird

I Had a Dream About Us Dying (No Birds Involved)

Alas You Are Dead 

I’m a Bird, I Drink Vodka

Fuck It’s Cold

Frost Do Not Freeze Me Do Not Freeze My Horse Do Not Freeze My Wife Please I Have Children

And my personal favourite:

~ I Married To A Man And Moved Far From My Home But I Want Fucking Back On My Fucking Land To My Parents And A Guy Whom I Actually Planned To Marry Before My Society’s Patriarchal Structure Destroyed My Life

~ A Guy Whom I Loved Loved Me And Also A Some Other Bitch So I Poisoned Him So That Nobody Gets Him

~ This Is My Land And I Love It Very Much, Period

~ I Made A Traditional Kupala Wreath And Released It On Water To Find My Love, No Sexual Hits Involved

~ I Have A Veeery Deeeeep Well In My Garden, And Also A Veeery Curly-Wurly Cabbage, And Also A Veeery Sweeeet Carrot Growing There, Come On Guys Check It Out, Oh, And There Are Totally No Sexual Hints

~ Graphic Descriptions Of Lesbian Sex

~ Everybody Is Dead After A Battle But There Is One Particular Cossack Whom I Am Especially Obligated To Mourn About Because He Is A Representative Of Our Entire Nation’s Young People

~ The Couple Cannot Be Together Because Of Various Reasons And Everybody Cries

~  The Couple Cannot Be Together Because Of Various Reasons And Everybody Cries And It’s Compared To Some Sad Shit Happening In Nature

~ Let’s Kill All People Who Threaten Ukraine Hahaha Yay!

~ I have a boat and have procured many crawfish do you love me?

~ I sure do love crawfish, boats, the bayou, and also dancing

~ My girlfriend can cook, and is therefore superior your girlfriend, who cannot

~ my girlfriend cannot cook and is therefore inferior to all other girlfriends

~ I saw you over a pile of crawfish and knew I was in love (on the bayou)

- Where the hell is your goat, sir? x8 and my love looks like a peeled egg

- There’s an old parrot on the windowsill x4 and my grandma only has 2 teeth left

- Check out that hot girl over yonder, now pick the fruit (it’s really a poem about manners), check out this hot girl, now let’s ripen a different fruit while sailing (it’s about gratitude)

- We’re now singing about water spinach by the marsh and more foodstuff to be eaten

- LET’S GO HOME x9

- We’re singing about a river now and boy it can beat out the seasons

- This is our mountain and it’s super tall and blue! ❤ ❤ ❤ 

- The frog is sitting by the well, croak croak, and now he fell in and DIED, croaked croaked

- I’m On A Convict Ship (And I Want To Go Home)

- I Stole A Sheep And Will Literally Commit Suicide Rather Than Go To Jail

- Small-Town Boy Makes Good As A Bushranger, Dies Heroically

- Let’s Have A Sheep-Shearing Race

- The Bush Is Confusing And Beautiful And Now We’re Dead

- Why Is The Rum Gone?

- Seriously, Why Is The Fucking Rum Gone, There Is Literally Nothing Else To Do In This Godforsaken Wasteland

- Birds Are Pretty Cool, I Guess

- No Horse Is As Good Or As Fast As That One Horse Was That Time 

- Fuck The Authorities, Let’s Have A Drink

- Hello Adonai, Master of the Universe, I’m Here to Sue You On Behalf of the Jewish People

- We Kidnapped Our Family’s Goat Because It Was Sad and We Wanted It To Be Free (There Shouldn’t Be Suffering)

- Food Is Literally So Important

- I’m Meditating Under A Bunch of Trees (It’s Really Hard Not to Cry)

- Shabbat Is Fucking Great

- We’re Not Dead Yet

- Hey Kids, You’re Gonna Endure Suffering But At Least You Can Be Inspired By the Torah

- Detailed Description of What We’re Gonna Have For Dinner Tomorrow (I’m Excited)

- One Day Things Are Gonna Be Better, Even Though It Really Sucks Right Now

- Oh To Be a Cat Sleeping On the Roof

- This Candle Has The Souls of My Ancestors In It (Let’s Get Drunk)

- I Am Alone, When I Take Care Of My Horses, I Am Also Alone When I Have Sex With My Girlfriend Somehow

- Son, Did You Plow The Field? I Didn’t. Son, You’re A Failure!

- Girl, You Lost Your Geese, Go Find Them

- You Are A Bird, So I Will Ask You About Our Country’s Agriculture

- We Can’t Be Together Because You’re Richer Than Me

- I Will Become A Priest And All The Girls Will Cry

- There’s A Cat And A Dog, Now Let’s State Obvious Things About The Weather 

- I Will Take Care Of A Plant

- I Will Kill Animals To Make This Girl Like Me

- The Dog Is Jumping

- I Will Go To War Instead Of Paying For The Property I Destroyed

-Oh The  Moorish Queen Who Was Christian Before, Wants a Slave, Let’s Get Her Pregnant Sister, Kill Her Husband And Exchange Children.

-Mom, I’ve Dreamed Something Beautiful. Daughter, You’re Prophetising Your Future Incestuous Marriage With Your Brother and His Death.

-Oh This Boy Has a Fixation With a Misterious Girl And He Is Jealous Of The River. Girl’s Drowns In The River. Boy Was Right All Along (Matarile-rile-rile-ró).

-My Boyfriend Is a Crockery Painter, That’s it.

-I’m a Prostitute And I’m Transfixed By Green Eyes of a Client Who’s Gonna Stay With Me One (1) Night. He’s The Most Unromantic Person, He’ Just Want to Give Me a Dress.

-Seven (F*cking Delicious) Ways to Cook the Eggplant.

- Tarara Is an Excentric Girl With a Pimple In The Ass. It’s a Major Event For The Community To Go To See It Burst, so Come and Take a Seat.

When a lady stopped me gently to whisper that i had “mastered the art of kindness”

When an elderly woman told me i was “put on earth to be a flight attendant”

Each and every time someone complimented my nails

When i found an $8000 diamond watch left behind under a seat, gave it to a gate agent, only to have the passenger come running back 10 minutes later. Gate agent: man u wouldve been in trouble, huh? Man whom looked like a bond villain: i wouldve been SHOT.

Every lesbian ive worked with and had the nice bonding moment of “ur gay?? Im gay!!”

That time a man tried to get huffy with me because he wasnt in 1st class and i got to say “sir u can either sit in this seat or u can sit in a seat in the terminal while u wait to take the next flight”

When i had an emergency landing because the pilots lost steering and we all thought we were gonna die but then we didn’t and everyone just applauded the landing and didnt even complain about the 2 hour delay

When my flight was delayed for 3 hours because the plane wouldnt start so the crew and i just took a really long nap in the jetway

Every 4 and 5 star hotel ive stayed at for free

When we overnighted in the middle of nowhere in alabama and went to a sports bar at midnight. The bartender locked the door so it was just him and us and his friend, and we all got super drunk on obscure alcohols and i kicked everyones ass at pool

That time i had an emergency landing because one pilot had such explosive diarrhea that the other 2 pilots had to wear oxygen masks

When we overnighted in a casino resort in new orleans and ended up drunk on margaritas and playing blackjack with a bunch of old people at 2pm

Every little kid on my flights

Every dog i got to pet on my flights

When we were flying to nyc during julliard recruitments and half the seats were taken up by cellos

Being in airports late at night and seeing people sleep in the weirdest places because they just dont care (bathroom floors, under gate agent desks, etc)

When a woman forgot her actual baby on the plane

Woman: can i board first? Gate agent: are u special needs, active military or priority? Woman: no i just want to board first. Gate agent: maam i have 70 other people who also want to board first, im not looking for a line leader.

The old woman on my plane who saw a teenager was having a panic attack and immediately moved to sit with her and brought her so much comfort she was able to fall asleep

Working a flight with only 4 passengers so we all played Cards Against Humanity

Everyone who has very gently said “Stay safe” rather than “Goodbye”

Complimenting passengers’ fun masks and being complimented in return

The anxiety service dogs at the Philly airport wearing vests that say Stress Relief

The little girl in the airport who begged me to french braid her hair like mine (and her very apologetic mother)

The barista at the airport cafe who gave me free lattes every week for two months because I always came by around closing time

The beachside resort my FA and I got stuck at in key west for 3 days around my birthday because of a hurricane. If you’re gonna get stuck somewhere because of a hurricane, it might as well be a beachside resort with bottomless margaritas

Each time I reunited with a flight attendant/pilot friend in an airport or at a hotel or on an airplane. It always feels like a little gift

Speaking of gifts, every passenger that has ever given me anything but especially the man that brought freshly made muffins from his bakery for the crew last month, they were divine

The flight attendant I worked with on Halloween who watched a horror movie marathon with me at the hotel even though he was terrified of scary movies

Every aircraft cleaner

Every hotel cleaner

Every unaccompanied minor on my flights, who always make me feel like a temporary big sister

The time my roommate (also a flight attendant) got a flat tire while in the airport parking garage and no less than 3 different pilots stopped to help us change it

Flight crew game nights in our hotel rooms

The beach overnight on the last day of summer when my pilot and I (drunkenly) decided to go swimming in the ocean at midnight

The flight attendant who approached me in a hotel lobby and said we had flown together two years earlier, just after she’d been hired, and she’d wanted to fly with me again ever since

The nurse on my flight who, when the passenger beside her began seizing, leapt into action and saved her life

The tween girl who wanted to be a flight attendant and had us quiz her on airport codes (she got every single one correct 😳)

All the flight crew members who regularly help me steal supplies from the aircrafts (gloves, masks, water bottles, sani wipes etc) to bring to Philly’s homeless camps and protesters

We live under capitalism and its rule seems inescapable. I’m eager for the days when covid is just a bad memory, and the quality of and access to healthcare is such that, come the next virus, no one has to choose between paying rent or paying a hospital bill. I’m eager for the days when rent and paychecks are a thing of the past, when we work for the pleasure of working, without the pressure of being born into a world run by money and the men who control it.

In the meantime, all we have is each other, and I’ve been very lucky to have spent my time with so many generous, soft-handed people who have made this year not only bearable, but often enjoyable in spite of the rest. I have been very lucky to work a job that I (mostly) love, even if it is part of an industry that cares only for numbers, not people.

A woman is drying incense sticks, a process in making incense. Vietnamese believe that incense is a tool to connect the living with the spirits. When people burn incense, they can talk to spirits and pray.

Marble. Roman copy after a Hellenistic original of the end of the 3rd cent. BCE (restored with head of modern work). Inv. No. MC 299.

(vía Drunken old woman. Rome, Capitoline Museums, Palazzo Nuovo, Gallery.)

This statue it’s the very representation of decadence. The “drunken old women” became a popular character in comical plays: She was a prostitute, matchmaker, witch and drunkard. This made her a perfect comical character. But what we see here is not comical at all. From a modern perspective, it’s a tragic situation: She is a beggar, almost naked, drinking on the streets while hugging a huge wine bottle. But seen with more caution, that bottle is ridiculously huge and its decoration is so exquisite it could cost lots of money, her hair is combed with care and kept behind a bandana-like fabric , her feet still have their sandals…there’s overall a sensation of strangeness, who is she? why is she drinking? is she a beggar?

and we don’t know exactly what jesus looked like, but here’s an artistic reconstruction of an average 20-something male from his ethnic group at the time

Also, Santa Claus comes from the story of St. Nicholas of Bari, who was born in Turkey, so he could OR couldn’t be “white” (whatever this means to americans, cause the conception of “whiteness” it’s not a thing in europe-like italians, spanish and greeks are as white as germans or english- and that’s what annoys me cause Cesare Borgia was spanish, so he wasn’t even white for americans standards??). He could also be just...you know, tanned-skinned. Like...mediterranean standard guy. Sometimes I just hate tumblr cause american activism (mediterranean people= non-white).