Walking Through Memories Part 3
By the time I was 16 years old I was living in a house with 5 - 6 others and my son. We partied at night and then I tried to stay awake and above the curve in high school. It was a crazy time filled with pot, pills and different men in and out because we were all so emotionally damaged that we self sabotaged every relationship we had.
We started rescuing the young ones; who like us had been dumped out on the streets by parents, foster parents and adopted parents. We just couldn't let them go through what we had.
We thought we had finally gotten free of that life. We were only fooling ourselves.
The night terrors came often and we learned to cope with them by self medicating ourselves. Crystal to stay up to work, go to school and to party. Valium, ludes and codeine to come down and sleep without the terrors.
We never considered that we were running from a past we would never be able to leave behind. It showed it's damage in so many ways, unwillingness to get close t o other people. Self sabotaging relationships when we did. Drug and alcohol dependency. When we did get in a serious relationship it was always with someone as broken and damaged we were.
I was married 3 times; the first to a drug and gunrunner who was hooked up with some very dangerous people. It lasted 7 years and gave me a daughter I couldn't bond with. My son was 12 when she was born and I let him move to a friend's in KY so he could go to an elite science academy. I thought I would die when I drove away but I pledged when he was born that he'd have a better life than I did and this was the way.
The marriage lasted about 5 years and I remarried in less than 6 months. This one was a gambler and a cheat. I had another son with him who I loved more than life itself. He had some serious health issues. a stroke at 3 days old and another at almost 4 months. The stress from that and me pushing him away constantly ended that relationship. The last one lasted less than 6 months. He got addicted to crack and the stripper across the street. No fixing him or that relationship.
As I'm writing this I am now 60 and still in therapy. I just started getting my life together at 45. The fear of the unknown as opposed to the fear of known kept me stuck for a long time. I am now taking CBT therapy and my therapist is wonderful. (Always has a full box of Kleenex) I am beginning to accept some things but still have a ways to go. There were so many things in my life I wasn't responsible for happening. Although I've always took all the shame, blame and guilt on myself regardless
That's a lot for a 60 year old to live with. It was unbearable for a 6 year old,
I stopped self medicating years ago but this is one of those things you learn as a throwaway. It numbs the pain and just for those few hours you forget where you've been and how you grew up but never the faces of your rapists. They will stay in your subconscious forever. The pushing people away that I learned; I'm an expert at it now. It seems to be the hardest habit to break. I have my sons and my one friend an then there is by daughter and grandsons. I haven't seen them in years now. I was fantastic with the grandsons but not so good with my daughter. My therapist says it's because I feared abandoning her...I'm not sure on that but I do know we never bonded.
This is the 3rd and last part of my story this far. I don't know what the rest of my life will bring me but it will be better than my earlier years.
So please parents, adopted parents and foster parents think about my story before you decide to abandon your own child. The streets are no place for a child to grow up. It is a good place for them to be tortured, raped and abused in more ways than you could ever imagine . I don't believe any parent could do this knowing what their child's fate would be .
