flyboy

this can’t be happening. it shouldn’t be happening. kuruk has far too much on his plate now to even consider entertaining this. especially given the fact that it doesn’t make sense. kuruk just can’t - comprehend the idea that poe would want anything to do with him now. it’s not as though anyone ever has. it’s just not - how things work, for knights of ren.

kuruk can’t let himself believe it. because if he does, if he lets himself feel what he’s been burying since he broke things off, and it all goes wrong? kuruk has no idea what he’ll do.

“stop it, just -” kuruk starts, intending to argue, to push poe away as much as he can because he can’t do this, neither of them can, this can’t happen - and then poe takes his hand, and the knight freezes in shock. not only that poe would do so, but because - because it feels nice. because he missed how comforting it is. because he missed… poe.

“don’t - don’t do this -” he wants to fight, he wants to leave, but poe’s eyes are fixed on his and they’re - they’re warm and they’re comforting and they’re hopeful. everything kuruk knows he doesn’t deserve. shaking his head, kuruk squeezes his eyes shut, willing himself to pull his hand away. it should be easy. so why isn’t it? “even if i believed you - this can’t work. you know this can’t work.”

poe was glad kuruk didn’t pull away. he expected it, and... well, wouldn’t bllame him. poe might do the same in kuruks situation but kriff, this was just reminding him of before. the warmth and.. rush of what it felt like. sighing some, he took his other hand for a second. 

rey turned the portion of it that she was working on toward him so he could get a better look, just in case he had any input. “i’ve been working on it for the last couple days without any luck. i thought i’d have it by now.” her patience for not being able to accomplish things had never been high.

“don’t start with me, you’re the one who took it that way.” kuruk snaps immediately, regretting even bringing it up. he should’ve expected this. given the circumstances, given the position the resistance are in, it’s really no surprise poe’s on edge. they’ve been branded as radical criminals, no better than the syndicate. and kuruk’s not complaining - kriff, at least now he can do his job.

but…. seeing the way it’s clearly effecting poe, there’s a small part of him that feels - strange. not quite conflicted, but.. there’s something different. something he can’t really identify.

he pushes that aside for now, watching poe as he begins to explain. or half-explain, really. “say it.” kuruk says, his voice low as he leans forward. even just the concept of what the pilot is saying, the idea that poe could want this to work is utterly ridiculous.

kuruk can’t let himself entertain it. logically he knows that. but the part of him that’s been locked away since he made this decision in the first place, the part of him that houses whatever it is he began to feel about poe kriffing dameron, that lock is starting to break. “say it! say it. i’m a knight of ren.” kuruk says, raising his voice. his hands are shaking just a tad, his eyes are wide - he’s not angry, but it’s… what is it? what the kriff is this? “you’re a resistance commander. you should be trying to kill me. i should be dragging you away for interrogation and disposal! so explain to me why you -” the knight points ay poe harshly, “should even be thinking about making things work with me. i think you’re lying, poe. because it’s not possible.”

knights of ren - they don’t get things like this. it’s just not possible.

poe’s face twisted some, biting his lip at his snap. he should have expected this. he did. he did any time he went out anymore. with a breath, he glanced away. he was sure this whole predicament was beneficial to kuruk. hardly any resistance was out anymore.

when he said that he let out a breathy chuckle. he didn’t think kuruk would want him to. to admit what he felt-- what he knewI he felt for the man. watching hi, it was fairly clear kuruk was trying to push this aside. kriff. poe didn’t know if he wanted to admit that he thought he -- he loved him despite his position. it was. ridiculous. 

the knight can’t help but clench his jaw at the comment. poe’s not the most subtle man in the world, and there’s no ignoring the clear frustration in his words. and while kuruk would be more than happy to argue the fact that the resistance has no chance winning - “did you really come here to talk about that?” he asks, tone a little harder than before.

as much as poe had said he wanted to talk, that he missed kuruk, there has to be more to it. there has to be. kuruk can’t let himself believe that’s all poe wants. that poe does actually miss him. there’s no reason he should, all things considered.

kuruk’s a knight of ren. the last person poe should want anything to do with without wanting something. it just - doesn’t make sense.

“no, you didn’t.” he responds, doing his best to keep his voice even. this won’t.. go anywhere if kuruk lets himself get emotional. he can’t afford that. “there’s really no reason for you to want any involvement with me, poe. so explain what you’re doing here. explain why you even reached out in the first place.”

poe let out a stiff laugh at his comment, eyes flicking back to his. he’d rather kuruk not have mentioned it at all frankly. no he wanted... he wanted things to be like before. when this could be an escape. an escape from... kriff the shit he had to deal with . “yes. i came to talk about that,” he said sarcastically in return. 

he didn’t really know why he was here. he had... low expectations. especially now. he wouldn’t be surprised if he came here missing a limb. but he... wanted this back. he wanted kuruk back. desperately. 

even if he was foolish for wanting that. 

given the current climate of coruscant, this is a terrible idea. truly. dangerous and reckless and plain ridiculous, for kuruk to even consider meeting poe like this never mind actually going through with it. and he hates the fact that, the longer he looks at the pilot, the less he seems to mind that risk. the less it seems like a terrible idea, even though it could still be a trap.

but if there’s one thing he learned in the time they spent together, it’s how to spot it when poe is lying. he’s not the best as deception really, tends to wear his emotions all over his face. and - while it still makes no sense, poe doesn’t seem to be lying when he says he came alone. “not really. though, moving in a group right now isn’t exactly a simple endeavour for your lot anymore.” he responds quietly, knowing full well the first order has made it so, after the attacks.

against his better judgement, kuruk switches the safety on his rifle and sets it down. still within reach of course, but… less of a threat for now, at least.

the knight watches poe for a moment as he sits down, still a safe distance between them. that’s.. good. surely that’s a good thing. clearing his throat, kuruk sits down again himself, expression unchanging. “seemed as though you were determined to nag me until i agreed.” he points out with a raised eyebrow. “so - i’m here. explain. if you didn’t bring any of your friends with you, why did you want to see me?”

it was a mistake for poe to leave the base... especially to meet a knight of all people. but it was worth it... it felt worth it. this risk did. he knew that was foolish to think but he... kriff. he wanted this to work. he wanted what... what they had back. what he hoped was something real. 

poe paused at his comment, letting out a breath, “you’re not wrong about that. sure you know all about that,” he commented, maybe a bit passively. rudely. it wasn’t the time, he knew that but... hell. he was upset. he hated seeing the resistance so... broken. 

he couldn’t help letting out a breath of relief when he switched off the safety, glancing away from the rifle for a moment, then glancing back up at kuruk. 

“you’re probably right about that, but i told you why.”

rolling his eyes, kuruk pushes himself up, holding his rifle by his side. “hilarious.” the knight responds at the joke. he doesn’t… see any signs of deception, he hasn’t noticed anything that might indicate that he’s about to be forced to deal with a surprise attack, but maybe poe’s better at fooling people then he thought.

but - he’s here. and given the risk that poses to him right now, that’s something. it wouldn’t make sense for them to travel in a group to attempt to - and likely fail to - capture a knight of ren.

why else could poe be here, though?

“don’t. don’t say that.” he snaps instinctively, shaking his head. he’s still not sure he believes that. it doesn’t make sense. and he doesn’t like the way it makes him feel. the strange swooping feeling in his stomach, the same one he kept having when they went to dinner together. “did you come alone?”

it was clear kuruk was still on guard. he... didn’t blame him. poe was too, their opposing sides almost required it. kriff... he still trusted kuruk for some reason, but the rifle made him... nervous. he knew what kuruk was capable of with that, he’d seen the reports... and may have looked for them after his admission. he let out a weak chuckle at his comment, biting his lip as he looked away. 

he hated how strange this was. 

poe hated how... defensive kuruk was about his feelings. hated that it seemed like any progress he had made was gone now. the guarded person he meant was back-- it felt like what they had was nothing... which was want kuruk wanted, wasn’t it?

he sighed, nodding, “course i came alone, probably not in my best interest,” he tried to joke some, weak at best. letting out a breath, he paused some, moving to sit across from the man, “i’m surprised you agreed to meet.”

at the sight of the pilot, kuruk feels a completely inexplicable need to rush to him. to see him, hold him, kiss him, drag him to bed - no, no. stop. kuruk pushes that instinct down, ignores it. he doesn’t know where it’s come from. he was trained to ignore these kinds of things from such a young age. he can’t afford to act on impulse.

and he certainly shouldn’t feel so glad to see the way poe tries to walk straight up to him.

but the knight ignores that too, immediately tucking that feeling away with his own instincts, raising a hand instead. “stop.” he insists harshly, straightening up in his seat, his other hand still resting on his rifle. if this is a trap of some kind…

who else is here? did you come alone? prove you didn’t bring backup. all questions kuruk should ask, right now. and instead, all he can think of is.. “you grew a beard.” kriff. stupid. stupid.

the sight of kuruk was... odd. especially now. being separated for this amount of time. poe just wanted to run up and hug him. make sure he was okay. he let out a deep breath, he could control himself. have an adult conversation about this...

something that was hard considering their allegiances. 

poe blinked, stopping when he asked, hesitating some, eyes darting down to the rifle. e didn’t... think he would use it. he hadn’t last time. he was too worried of... something. he hoped that was still the case. 

a chuckle at his next comment. of course that’s what he noticed. with a small smile, he rolled his eyes, “oh really, i hadn’t noticed,” he joked some. it felt... stale, out of place with this. the situation at hand. he bit his lip, glancing at his face, “i did miss you i-- wasn’t lying.” 

closed starter for @happybeepsbuddy​ !

if this was a bad idea when they’d agreed to meet again, it’s a catastrophic idea now. given how the plans had unfolded - and they had certainly unfolded the way the first order wanted - the last thing a knight of ren should be doing is meeting with a prominent and influential resistance commander. it’s dangerous for them both if they’re caught. but he agreed to meet.

and - for all of his will, kuruk… wants to see poe again.

one advantage of his position as a knight, kuruk was able to find a location far away enough from the first order patrols, at least.. he sneaks into a deserted building in a less populated end of the city easily enough after being absolutely sure no one had followed him, does a quick check of the small building, and then settles down to wait for the pilot to arrive, rifle resting on his lap. just in case poe isn’t quite as well-intentioned as he claims to be.

poe shouldn’t go out. it had been made very clear that no high profile resistance members leave the base at risk of being caught. but... poe had to do this. he needed to figure things out with kuruk. or kriff, he was never going to stop thinking about it. 

poe had a hooded poncho, his beard had overgrown some in the last couple weeks, an attempt at being a little less recognizable if he had to go out in public. he hoped kuruk had picked somewhere safe. 

he hoped it wasn’t just a trap.

he sighed some spotting kuruk. he had wanted to meet but now that he was here..? what the hell to say. this was more complicated than he knew what to deal with. biting his lip, he walked up towards kuruk, “hey--” 

this is an absolutely idiotic idea. kuruk knows it. he’s telling himself over and over. don’t do it. don’t fall for it. so much could go wrong. it could be a trap. you could wind up in some resistance prison. or worse. it’s not worth it. he’s not worth it.

or worse, vicrul finds them. while kuruk can probably hold his own against the older knight, he’s not sure he could do so while protecting poe.

                                                      “you could have fooled me.”

it’s a non-answer. letting out a groan, kuruk sets the pad down and rests his head in his hands. a couple of minutes pass. five. ten. he shouldn’t reply. let him go.

taking a deep breath, poe picks the holo pad up again, a slight tremble in his hands.

                                                      “not today. i’m working. i’ll contact you with a time and a place, in a few days.”

for now, that’s going to have to do.

poe was surprised to see the offer. to see him wanting to talk-- or at least humoring poe. he took in a breath, sighing some, he... needed this. to continue or at least... closure. some sort of closure. 

                                                           “just... let me know. i’ll be here.” 

his eyes rolled. there were things that he wanted to say and couldn’t, not without jeopardizing kuruk. that was something that vicrul was unwilling to do. “i’ve heard the resistance has been building ties with the syndicate.” he hasn’t. “make any new friends lately?”

poe raised his eyebrows at the question. they had been trying to. not that it was successful. not was he planning on telling the man regardless of the situation, “now we’re just diving into personal stuff, don’t you think?” 

one drink wasn’t enough to get her to forgive him, but it did sound nice. she remembered how she would constantly ask poe to go and buy her a few bottles or let her have a sip from his drink but he was always somewhat careful with zen. it was nice to have him be protective of her, but annoying. now, she wasn’t limited. besides, he owed her. ❝ just one? ❞ she asked, following along behind him to wherever he was planning on leading her. 

“maybe a couple, if i’m feeling nice,” he teased some, smiling a little bit, glad the conversation was... at least lightening up some. it didn’t make up for shit, he knew that. he knew nothing he could do in the immediate future would really make up for it in the long run but her was willing to try. “come on, you can get something top shelf,” he joked. 

“i suppose it’d only be one of many outlandish things to happen lately.” including the fact that their bond had reopened, but rey spared poe the detail of that particular complication. she’d never told anyone. how could they? what would they think of her? “well, for now, i should probably focus on the parts for one. this memory drive is a piece of junk.”

he let out a small laugh at her comment, nodding some in agreement, shifting his position next to her to try and get a better look, “memory drive? now that’s a little harder to come by, well, a nice one at least,” he mumbled, “can’t repair it?” 

“yeah.” iden was suddenly a little fidgety, although she was the one who had brought it up. a frown twisted onto her lips. “i– i was his commander. smartest guy i knew. kriff, probably the best guy i ever knew.” yet the empire hadn’t brought him back like it had done to her. the resistance had.

despite her twisted expression it was... nice to see her talk about him, there was no doubt she cared about him. and... frankly poe wished he could help her. he nodded some at her explanation, “and? sounds like there’s an and there,” he pointed out, leaning some against the bench she was working at.

this shouldn’t be happening. kuruk wasn’t prepared for this. he’d spent plenty of time preparing for how he was going to tell poe the truth about who he is, but beyond that? he hadn’t planned.. anything. he doesn’t know what to do.

poe can’t want this. not really. it has to be a trick.

which makes it that much worse when he sees poe’s response and feels a strange kind of swoop in his stomach. no.

                                                       “you’re right. you shouldn’t.”

letting out a groan, kuruk shakes his head, closes his eyes for a moment. he should shut this idea down right now. he can’t afford for this to distract him. and he knows what will happen, if they’re caught together again.

and surely.. surely poe doesn’t miss him. not really.

                                                       “you expect me to believe you miss me now that you know what i am? i’m not stupid, poe. you can’t miss me. it doesn’t make sense.”

poe didn’t know what he was doing. he didn’t know why he thought this was a good idea. not just... contacting kuruk. but this... this in the first place. sleeping with people always got complicated. poe just got... too attached. 

he cared too much. 

with a sigh, he looked down at his droid, willing them to just make the decision for him. or, ridicule him enough that poe laid off or something. this wasn’t worth it. this... loss? pain. force, he was dramatic. 

reading the message, he sighed, turning away from the holo pad. he needed time to consider this... what... what he wants. 

“good. so long as you don’t forget that.” ahsoka says kindly. she can’t fault him for not talking to her - she’s basically a stranger, after all. but as long as he doesn’t try to shoulder it all on his own, as long as he talks to someone. it’s a start. “well - that’s what i’m hoping for.” she says with a slight laugh, shrugging a shoulder. it’s not that she doesn’t think she can make a difference here, it’s just.. always so strange to think about how much some people think she can do. first luke, now poe… what has history said about her? “i’ve been trying to give help where i can but - if you know of any particular part of the resistance that could really use me, please let me know. i want to do whatever i can here.”

there’s just surprise after surprise rolling around here at the moment. between seeing hera again, meeting his father, and now poe.. it’s a lot to try and process. and with poe it’s something else, considering jacen’s the one who made the decision to leave. “i never meant to scare you, y’know.” jacen admits quietly, avoiding poe’s eyes for a moment.

that makes sense, though, and poe found himself stepping into a role like this. if hera had survived.. if things had been different, jacen likely would’ve wound up right where poe is now. isn’t that weird to think about? “wow, they were really scraping the bottom of the barrel, huh.” he jokes, shaking his head.

all the jokes in the world aren’t going to protect him from the inevitable questions, though. of course poe would want to know where he’s been. “i’ve been… all over, really. travelled around the galaxy a lot.” pausing, his smile fades a touch. “it’s - it’s complicated. really. i don’t know where to start, to be honest.” and if poe knew the truth, odds are he’s not going to like it.

poe furrowed his eyebrows at his comment it was... real shortsighted of him to not realize that poe would worry, miss him. poe worried in the best of times and thinking his best friend was dead. jacen must have been dumber than he thought, “well, you did. you really did,” he grumbled, keeping his eyes on jacen. 

“you’re sure?” she questioned, not knowing if any place in the planet was really safe now. but if poe said so, she guessed that she should trust him. after all, this was certainly the best thing that’s happened to her since she arrived here in coruscant. maybe. it would be able to take her mind off of all the fighting if only for a short time. “what are we flying then? i pick things up pretty quickly, i’d be happy with anything you prefer.” 

“we have enough safe space to get some basic drills in, at least,” he hoped. they certainly had but... things were getting tighter and tighter. despite the peace the pressure eon the resistance was obvious. very obvious. “x-wings are generally what we have people in, but you can pick your favorite, don’t really have a preference.”