je suis un canard gigantesque

Let’s play the biggest game of kick the can on the internet.

In middle school biology, we did an experiment. We were given yams, which we would sprout in cups of water. We then had to make hypotheses about how the yams would grow, based on descriptions of yam plants in our books, and make notes of our observations as they grew.

Here’s what was supposed to happen: we were supposed to see that the actual growth of the plant did not resemble our hypotheses. We were then supposed to figure out that these were, in fact, sweet potatoes.

What actually happened was that every single student in every single class lied in their notes so that their observations perfectly matched their hypotheses. See, everyone assumed the mismatch meant they had done something wrong in the process of growing the plant or that they had misunderstood the dichotomous key or the plant identification terminology. And, thanks to the wonders of a public school education, everyone assumed the wrong results would get us a failing grade. We were trying to pass. We didn’t want to get bitched out by the teacher. Curiosity, learning, science - that had nothing to do with why we were sitting in that classroom. So we all lied.

The teacher was furious. She tried to fail every student, but the administration stepped in and told her she wasn’t allowed to because a 100% fail rate is recognized as a failure of the teacher, not the class. It wasn’t even her fault, really, though her being a notorious hard-ass didn’t help. It was a failure of the entire educational system.

My dad tells this story about how, as a QC tester, it was his job to remove broken crackers from the manufacturing line, or to fail batches of rubber for the BOP for oil wells. If he said to, he was able to shut down production if the batches of crackers or blow out preventer rubber was bad.

Would it cost money? Yes. Did it take time to investigate? Yes.

Did he still push the big red button and stop assembly and manufacture when needed?

Also yes.

It is a costly, time consuming affair, stopping production, but the alternative is unsafe products or products that won't sell because no one will buy broken crackers.

My dad retired from rubber BOP QC sometime in 2005-2008. Sure enough, that oil spill that happened in Texas that happened in 2010? The failure was caused by a BOP that failed.

My dad's willingness to say something failed kept everyone safe from oil spills for decades.

When I wouldn't do something my mother says, she says I am worthless piece of shit trash.

My ex when I told him the house shouldn't have dishes with roaches on them, called me fat and then tried to date other women.

My sister any time she has called me fat or tries to humiliate me publicly, it is because I have pointed out something that she has forgotten or has let me down in some way.

Instead of accepting my boundaries or admitting error, I get called fat, worthless, shit, trash, etc.

I am lucky that I have held onto the worth I have for myself and decided to live my life anyway.

I got my degree, bought my first house on my own, lived in 5 states away from home, and have done things that no one else in my family has done.

As I said a long time ago, I am not better, nor worse, I am different, and I still have value.

I am proud of me for what I have done, and excited for everything I still have yet to do.

I am sorry for them, and I also can live my life without them in it.

Their presence is not required.

I am sad for my mom.

Where there could be relationship, there is distance, because of this random cruelty.

When I told her I got into PA school, not "Congratulations", but, "Well, I (she) knew a lot of PA's, too."

That was like when I was offered my first faculty position, and my ex said, "Wow, I am surprised they gave that to you", instead of Congratulations.

Or when I was offered my second faculty job: "You weren't supposed to find a job!" And then he threatened to divorce me if I accepted, because if I accepted, he said I was "trapping" him, when I just needed a job for income to live.

I nearly drove myself off a mountain, I was so distraught.

Or my sister, "I would rather die than be fat like Tess."

One good thing about my recent experiences is that I got to experience 4 months of normal. I was at a normal workplace with normal people who were nice and normal.

There was no weirdness from peers, just respect.

I know that this cruelty is weird, because I have been in places it hasn't been.

I am sad for my mom.

Where there could be relationship, there is distance, because of this random cruelty.

When I told her I got into PA school, not "Congratulations", but, "Well, I (she) knew a lot of PA's, too."

That was like when I was offered my first faculty position, and my ex said, "Wow, I am surprised they gave that to you", instead of Congratulations.

Or when I was offered my second faculty job: "You weren't supposed to find a job!" And then he threatened to divorce me if I accepted, because if I accepted, he said I was "trapping" him, when I just needed a job for income to live.

I nearly drove myself off a mountain, I was so distraught.

Or my sister, "I would rather die than be fat like Tess."

One good thing about my recent experiences is that I got to experience 4 months of normal. I was at a normal workplace with normal people who were nice and normal.

There was no weirdness from peers, just respect.

I know that this cruelty is weird, because I have been in places it hasn't been.