It was Valentine's Day, or more accurately, night. The alcohol was running in my blood for a while now. I didn't wanna take a habbit, but sometimes, dealing with my mind gets a little bit too much. Single again. After a relationship that lasted 4 years. I could count it in days but who cares how many days we spent together, now that it's in the past, nobody should care. Me of all people should not care at all. I took my time to refresh my mind and settle my heart for new beginnings. But it was too much for me to start anything new. I still haven't recovered even when I look "fine".
So I took my first shot trying to get lost in the atmosphere and forget about all the things I've been running from. But they kept chasing after me, so I took another. No matter how much I get used to drinking, I could always feel the stinging on my lips, and the liquor burning my body from inside out. And I love that feeling. It's truly the beginning of something, something that I'll probably will never remember. Because once it kicks, I won't be there. But people will. And they'll be watching my moves and listening to whatever comes out of my mouth. At some point I get back to check if it's over inside my head. But it's always dark and noisy. It scares me sometimes so I run away again. Ever thought of living with a part of you that you hate too much? I have to deal with it everyday. I have to scold her for saying what I don't wanna say, for desiring what I don't wish to do. One time she kissed 3 guys while I was away. At the same fucking bar. I keep asking myself why do I need that much passion and love from others? When did that needy feeling come from? I still don't understand why I get so attached, and so obsessed with people so easily. And I hate it. Because that's not me, that's her. But she always whispers in my head. I am you and you need to accept me. Should I get her out and confront her? Or should I keep her inside and struggle with opposing whatever she's up to? It's a never ending conflict that I have to deal with everyday. And that's why alcohol exists. On that same night, I don't remember how many people I've texted. I fucked up some friendships, I fucked up around two people that I potentially wished to work with in the future. I was messed up to the point that I opened Instagram and started throwing random replies to every story that I watch, with my blurred vision and half asleep mind. I thought I had nothing to lose. At least until the next morning. One of these lost replies was aimed towards him. And he replied. Then he called. I always wonder about how everything in my life could be planned earlier by my subconscious brain, like when I see someone and I decide that I want them in my life, I'll get them to be in my life. But this was somehow different.
Yes we talked before, we were friends nevertheless, but we never thought about it. At least I never thought about it. Well not before this month. When he visited and came to my house. I took a picture of him looking at the bird we had. And for 15 days, it never left my mind. He was cute, I thought. Do I like him? Maybe. But that's also what I thought when I met my ex. Look at us now after 4 years, acting like strangers even when we share the biggest group of mutual friends. But when we hangout, it's like we are meeting for the first time. A cold "hi", and trying to pick up the farthest seat from each other. I didn't want it to end up like this. I told him we could be friends, but turned out I was asking for too much. That's the price you pay for making expectations that were too far from reality. I made a promise to learn from that mistake and never do it again. So I tried to keep my feelings neutral as much as possible. Yes he's cute. But let's not jump to conclusions. Until I was totally drunk and she came out.
She had no limits and nobody would stop her. She was the seducing one. The one who gets whatever she wants no matter the cost. The fearless affectionate one. And I couldn't handle all of her shit so I'd just watch and wait. We talked for 4 hours. About all things. Mostly sex, and kinks, and whatever the fuck our horny minds were into that night. I don't remember shit but I can flash up some bits of that conversation. And I remember it involved moaning. Everytime I look into his face I remember that I was there and this really happened. But it was night talk. He was being kind by being there for me when I've hit rock bottom and that's it. All my wildest fantasies were locked inside my head after that night as I sober up the next day and realise the truth. We were back to nothing. To point zero again. Just like any other one night stand. Except that I'll keep talking to him and meeting him more often causing it to be a struggle rather than just a sweet memory. The best thing about one night stands is that you never get to deal with the other person again. But when you get attached to your one night stand, that's when you're truly madly fucked up.
I knew it was hopeless and I didn't want to make a big deal so I just called it off stepping on all my feelings at once. And stepping on her for the first time declaring that I also have the right to take control and I call that an achievement. I was surprised that he tried to draw me, which got me thinking, was he really thinking of me that much?.
Even though I was drunk to hell and I barely remember anything from this particular night. I still remember how I felt at every hour of it. Because feelings are saved deep down inside us and they never leave us. And it was a sweet feeling. The feeling of being loved, cared about and wanted. The feeling that gives you strength and power even if it was false or misleading. He made me feel something, and I did the same. And that I shall cherish forever, no matter what comes or goes between us. For he is my sweet sweet friend and my dark nights companion.
