you are what you love

He squeezes out the access water from the cloth, coming back with a clean damp one gesturing a polite may I? to help her wipe off the soil and dirt that stubbornly stayed. His hand instinctively froze when she glanced up to him at the mention of his father, it was hard to ignore the soft twinge that twisted in his chest - the first experience with loss, death, grief, that despite it dulling, still hurts. But his gaze was soft, sadness settling beneath the blues in the smile he still held, "I guess.. because I don't have much to talk about," he hands continued wiping off the dirt, "my dad was out on deployment a lot growing up, until we lost him, but he was always a good father when he was around. Just that most of the things I know about him were only told to me second hand." Something always made it easy to talk to Hannah about difficult topics he usually avoided.

"I'm sure my mom has better stories to tell about dad," Ash chuckled knowing their sickeningly sweet love story had been recounted to him before, once as a kid found it gross and yucky, and now as an adult realized how wonderful and rare love like that was. "And you? I haven't heard much about your family before."

"That happens," Hannah agreed solemnly, standing back up in time to notice him approaching. "It's not an easy pill to swallow. I don't think it's meant to be." She gives a warm smile that acts as permission to his question with the rag. She's not bothered. Hannah's always been better at making messes than cleaning them up.

"Your mama must have loved him a lot to put up with those deployments." And what came with them: danger, trauma, drinking problems. Hannah had spoken with veterans from different generations and despite their differences she could always see the invisible wounds they carried. Not to mention the way it affected their families. Divorce was common, cheating happened frequently. Domestic violence was rampant both in and out of uniform. And yet men and women continued to follow that path. Hannah's heart would always be heavy for those kind of sacrifices, but it had never been the reason for her trust in Ashton.

"You spend a lot of time playing soldier together in the backyard?" Hannah jokes softly. She puts her hands in her pockets before looking left and right, slowly scanning the area for anything else of interest. She's searching for her words just as hard. Hannah wants to paint the right picture of her family. "They were so.. full." Of joy? Of life? "My mama was always hosting bingo or book club or organizing a bake off for someone's son's little league." She was a busy body. It was clear where Hannah got it from.

Once the topic opened wider than to the specifics, he met her warm smile and promise with something akin to polite doubt, perhaps he didn't have enough foresight to see it all worth it yet, perhaps there's too much hurt that Ash didn't want to share or experience ever again, but it sounded like a nice idea. He stayed quiet for a long while deep in thought before snapping out of it with movement from Hannah, blue flickering up with a wave of a hand dismissing the idea that it was bullshit. He believed that it was truly her experience and what she's gone through that made her life feel lived and worth it. "I admire your optimism," he chuckled, pulling out a cloth from the basket and handing it to her. He wished he had the same outlook in life as her, to go through all the pain and still come out believing it's worth it. "But I don't think it's a bullshit way of thinking, it's nice, makes the pain tolerable."

"It's Faith." Hannah shrugged in agreement. Faith in Gd, Faith in humanity. At the end of the day Hannah felt they were one and the same. She takes the cloth and wipes at her brow. She gets more sweat than dirt on it and her face is still smudged by the time she hands it back. "Daddy used to joke that I would've been a great missionary." But be as it was Hannah was Jewish not Christian and they weren't big on proselytization. "I don't really care what anyone believes in. I don't think that's the measure of someone's worth." She doubts that will surprise him. Hannah believes in Goodness in all its forms. It didn't have to be someone who loved Gd as much as she did. It could be a weary soul carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, refusing the collapse.

He looked up from the flowers as Hannah answered his passing thought unexpectedly. It was a deeper level of the feeling described than he would thought. His parents' marriage was the only one he's really witnessed through, and it absolutely was.. something beautiful, probably a younger version of him took it for granted that the moment you found love, that's what it was going to be. It never seemed to be the case for him. "..being seen sounds nice," he murmured, still in his thoughts with a small faint smile, Hannah's perspective of it was a nice way to look at it and what it meant.

The mood melted at the thought of her own past marriage, and he couldn't help but ask, perhaps personally still feeling certain soreness himself, "was it worth the try, at least?" Was it really worth having loved and lost than to never love at all?

"She reminds me of her grandmother." And that reminder was painful at times. The memories of Hannah's own mother and the death Hannah had seen firsthand. It was nice to have a piece of her mama alive through those small ways.

Hannah considers the question although she already knows the answer. "It's always worth it," She promises with a warm smile. "Every hurt, every heart break or loss--it's just more life lived." Experiences gained in ways that would forever change you; molding you into the rawest form of yourself. She wipes the back of her brow with a muddy hand, trying to scratch an itch without painting herself brown. "'Course a lot of people tell me that's a bullshit way of thinking about things and that I'm a chronic optimist."

He lead them along near the riverbank before they hit the Hudson, with nature now undisturbed, the city had never looked more vibrant with greenery. Taking a second to at least appreciate that poignant beauty surrounding them in a peace they’ve worked hard to clear out and hold strong. Still he laughed at the new piece of news he hadn’t known about Hannah being revealed today, “really?” Eyes widen with amusement as he silent shook his head for Hannah to continue. “A small gambling lost to pay for striking gold later with June,” he chuckled, he wasn’t much of a gambler himself, too much of a worrier to ever play big, but he guessed most couples married in Vegas would try their new found matrimonial luck from love.

Ash bent down to the flower patches carefully placing the basket on the ground as well for Hannah to populate it further with carefully plucked stems. Outside of the seemingly painful ending in that mentioned marriage though it at least seemed to quell into something respectful between the two, it was an innocent lighthearted conversation had him softly smiling in an absentminded thought out loud, “always wondered what’s it like to get married, and be married.” A fanciful daydream that Ash had never put in the forefront of his priorities in life before.

The soft flow of the Hudson had drawn Hannah out of the Wexley many times. She'd seen ducks floating across the water, an occasional gull hopping on the banks. There was so much life still living in this world and Hannah never wanted to take it for granted. Her heart was heavy for the loss of so many beautiful species ( humanity, possibly among them ). The world was lesser without Gds creations.

"I would've paid any price for her," Hannah agreed. Her feet moved carefully over broken rocks. Weeds reached from the brown dirt and she was glad to have worn her bell bottoms to protect her ankles from the chiggers. "I think..." She leans down to pull a handle of flowers from their stems. "it's about being seen."

To have someone see the ugly parts of you and not look away. To have proof that you are good & loved in spite of your flaws.

"You can base it on psychology or faith or both, like I have, but I think we're looking for a reflection of ourselves." She sighs slightly, thinking of her own marriage. "Roman and I didn't see each other. We ignored the bad parts." Pretended that they could change each other.

Ash hummed at the reasoning for the color scheme, something he didn't initially understand other than grumbling of needed a new suit to fit something blue, "hmm, I never knew." He probably would've grumbled a lot less if he knew. He hadn't been one to watch many of Aggie's performances, but even he had at least watch once or twice on the invitation of the other Turner sibling, though never properly meeting her until that faithful day at the blood spilled beach and then as they quarantined together. "I'm surprised Eric hadn't seen one of her shows before," or even let them cross paths in the Wexley considering they were only a few connections of people apart. Perhaps it was fate helping them only meet at the right time.

Ashton stood up with Hannah, carefully holding onto the basket with a corner of the space holding the baby's breath, "I think there had been some blue flowers closer to the water," he suggested with a point in a direction to the small patch of blue swaying in the wind, before he asked with a chuckle, leading the way, "do you think their non-apocalyptic wedding would've still been in Central Park?"

"There were lots of dancers trying to make it." And Aggie had been just coming into her own, still so young, so full of potential. Hannah had always joked that she would've been wonderful in a live action Barbie & The Nutcracker. "Just like there were lots of professors or therapists." Hannah teased. The fact that any of them had met before the infection was slim and yet the Wexley was full of those little connections. Aggie & Roman being the most notable for Hannah herself.

She heads in the direction Ash has indicated happy to see the petals matching the vision Hannah had had in her mind. There's a slight purple hue to the color but it's soft and Hannah can make it work. "Did you know I got married in Vegas?" Hannah is not the kind of person someone would picture eloping but considering the mentioned marriage was to Roman, maybe it made sense. "We went gambling right after. Lost eight hundred dollars." The money had felt so unimportant to them. They were young and in love and had a long future ahead of them. "We had a real wedding a few months after." Only one divorce though.

"Our home had its back turned to the Lord long before me," he mutters, pained by sins that have all funneled onto him, beginning with parents who shunned their giver, pushed Him out of their lives and tried to keep Him from their children's. A moment passes, drawing his bare feet closer to the rest of his body, the tall grass winding down beneath his soles. "The betrayal was theirs to learn by."

"Your name is a much kinder gift."

hannah turns her head into the fading sun so the lines of scarred skin can be seen against her face. it is not ugly. it is her--jagged and raw, a sliver that dances from her brow to the corner of her lip. it's only one of several from the attack that nearly took her life. "a man i thought i loved did this to me," she pauses to think of the months spent in a depressed haze after the hospital. "i didn't pray for him for a very long time." hannah had thought that by doing so she was admitting to her own guilt in the situation: painting herself as the reason it had occurred.

it was only when she'd been able to let go of that when hannah was able to find comfort in praying for the man who'd nearly killed her and her family.

Ash knelt down together with Hannah, he slung off his bag to pull out a basket they brought along as she looked over the first patch of flowers they found. He flashed back a smile at the simple idea that perhaps shone of brilliance in its simplicity, chuckling at the joke of taking full credit, "please do, I don't have the talent to make use of the idea anyways." He had been (stressfully) working on his own gift instead. Ash gently placed the basket on his lap for her to begin picking at flowers, "I only thought of it because I still see them everyday on my fridge."

He quietened down as he simply watched her pick flowers, mostly afraid to help in case he ruins the flowers, there wasn't exactly a huge supply of them. "Really?" Ash never really knew there was even a smell to baby's breath, "they don't smell like much to me." Tilting his head as he silently inhaled too, maybe it just wasn't a smell that seemed bad, or perhaps he's smelt worse. Like the undead for one, these suddenly feel like a fresh earthy scented candle. "They really are beautiful though, ..like a little cluster of stars." He glanced towards the whole patch of them, imagining them as dotted glows in the sky, "they'll match blues well, right?"

"Maybe in another life you'd recognize the smell." A life where the world had been kinder to them all. Where Ashton had found someone to love and marry and have a baby of his own to rock to sleep at night, filing his nose with the smell of sour milk. She's not sure if this beautiful life would have Jeremiah Rose in it or if the man simply wasn't capable of that sort of loyalty even in this imagined scenario.

She nods both to his comparison of stars and question about matching colors. "Soft blues and whites. It was the color of her costume in her first big show." The painting Hannah had done of it had paid off the mortgage on her parent's home. She continued to pull the flowers until the patch was empty. Hannah stood and wiped her palms against her jeans.

She smiled at Blake's question unable to hide her small amusement at the truth she was telling. "There's an exception to every rule around here." It seemed like a testament to their humanity, the fallibility. Proof that despite their best efforts at putting this community together there was always the chance they'd mess up.

"I'm not one of the doctors or anyone from the council. I don't draw blood and I'm not here to pass judgement on your morality." Hannah tried to offer an explanation for her presence. There was a pause between them as she climbed into one of the dining room's bar stools. "I'm just here to be here. If you need anything." Most people didn't want to talk to her right away and some never warmed up to her and made their disapproval of her presence clear.

A soft hummed grew as they made their way into the grassy patches by the park, feet moving from concrete to soil, quiet day, a very good thing for them. "You mean the flowers aren't your gift?" Ash asked innocently, he didn't exactly know his gift etiquette, but he thought the flowers and bouquet sounded like a good gift. He did know what she meant by distraction though, the news of Lady couldn't be easy, but Ash tried to do the right thing to the best of his abilities for Hannah, and for Lady.

He thought for a little while before giving a suggestion once they got to a small patch where a few hardy wildflowers grew, bending down and gesturing Hannah to check the flowers, "I think a portrait sketch almost like a wedding photoshoot could be perfect for them." Hannah had talents not many did, his heart warmed knowing the photos she redrew still hung carefully on his wall, surely they'd love to have the opportunity to have some kind of wedding photo.

Hannah kneeled into the dirt without care for the added stains to her dirty jeans. Her hand ran over the colorful petals of the wildflowers, many of which would be considered weeds by actual gardeners. Hannah thought every flower was beautiful in its uniqueness. It was hard to have a favorite when they were all reminders of Gds grace. She looked up at him with sudden excitement in her eyes at his suggestion. "Ash! That's a great idea." The fact she hadn't thought of it sooner was a testament to how long it had been since Hannah had drawn and the realization made her slightly guilty. A reminder that she hadn't been taking very good care of herself lately. Slipping into old habits. "I'm stealing it and taking credit." Hannah joked.