My Makeup Is Terrible

I am happy right now. But I still have anxiety. It’s really hard to put into words how intensely true both those statements are. I am happy with where my life is going right now. I am excited about my roommates. Whether or not I stay with this dude I’m excited about dating. I am about to graduate and I have a semi career plan. And I have been enjoying. Dare I say it. Friends lately. Life comes are you fast. But at the same time, I have a lot of anxiety. I gotta get through my last sociology final exam on 2 hrs of sleep and limited studying. I might totally be leading someone on and it could be a totally awkward horrible breakup and why do I feel the need to lie about my past to him like I do not want him to know me at all. And omg my mom is going to think I’m anorexic. And tbh I had the thought tonight that I might have an eating disorder. I keep loosing and gaining weight and I can’t tell how normal that is. I went from 153 to 140 in 6 months, but then dropped an additional 10 lbs by the end of the next month (November). Then by January I was up 8 more pounds, and stayed that way through March, then lost that weight and some by June. Is it normal to even care/keep track that much?? I feel like it makes a big difference but I can’t tell if it’s just in my head or not. Honestly it doesn’t even matter if no one else notices or cares or thinks I have a problem, because my mom will notice and my mom will say something about it and my she will make me feel bad about it. ugRghhhhh.

Wow that took me down in a spiral. Hooooo boy. Yeah so anyway, I really am happy. The accidental euphoria I experienced as a result of too much of the college helper drug really showed me that it’s possible to be happy with my life. And it even showed me that it’s possible to get rid of my constant anxieties. Or at least i think it should because I don’t want to feel this way. Because I know ive felt really really good lately but that it probably won’t last and I need to be prepared for when it all ends (graduation festivities, family going home, school will be over, possible break up). But like I know I can be happy through this if I didn’t have so much anxiety!!! If I could truly just embody “who cares!” Then honestly I could get through this! I could fucking thrive man! I could embrace every aspect of this dating thing and that I’m really good at it and that I really enjoy sex! Like way more comfortable confident enjoying it than I thought I’d be. And it is suuuuuper empowering knowing how fast I get him off. And sure it’s scary that it he could just stop talking to me, i honestly think that I can do this again. I’m not afraid of dating anymore. And I’m going out w friends more. I’m connecting a lot with my coworkers. I honestly feel like I’m thriving socially, which never happens. Or at least it’s just been a while. I feel seen again. At least in someways. I swear the topMax has made me feel more myself. The euphoria I felt reminded me of how happy id been lately. But then I get super super anxious and start spiraling. Like honestly what is wrong w me how can I go so hard one way one second or one day or ok fine for like 6 months and then just come out the other side feeling amazing and getting to do fun and exciting things and is well liked but seriously what is going to happen to me when this all comes crashing down omg. How can I get through another phase like last winter. How am I supposed to be this volatile my entire life??

This is pretty much what I go through most nights. This rapid back and forth twist turning zig zagging boomeranging all over the place, typically boiling down to something like “im such a stupid, privileged piece of shit like how could I think any of this matters, obviously none of this matters, we are literally but a speck of dust in an infinite universe, how could any of this matter, and even if there was some larger purpose, why does my pointless life need to be this miserable with no end in sight?? Oh maybe because I have a stupidly comfortable life yet I still complain no am ingratitude and I’m a shitty person to those around me especially the people who try and get close to me, maybe I do deserve to suffer and maybe it. Won’t. Ever. End. Until. I end it”

Like I god fckn dark man. But then i remember:

“And oh wait you’re high. remember that one time something good happened and you felt good about yourself or even if it was something that made you smile or a person who made you feel something. There’s good out there, you’ve seen it, you’ve done it, you’ve felt it. You will feel it again even if you don’t right now. And there’s people who care about other people in the world (including you!) so it can’t be all bad right?”. It’s like these two great forces are waging war in me, surfacing in the most petty ways but with the most brutal consequences (I think I get fantasy writing now?) I know smoking weed every night doesn’t help (but honestly I can’t seem to stop how tf else am I supposed to sleep?) honestly I think it just makes me more anxious (why I always get sad/angry/annoyed when I try and chill smoke) but it’s a different anxious. It’s one that still allows me to escape the real thing. It’s like choosing a lesser torture so that I am able to go to sleep at night. Bc my mind never stops.