I'm Hank

"Osomatsu-niisan! Today is the day you pay for everything. Every boundary you've crossed, every single moment you've ruined for u—"

"Be quieter, Choromatsu. I'm trying to calculate my bets here, y'know," Osomatsu softly mumbled, not even looking up from his magazine.

Choromatsu's face instantly blew up into a dangerous shade of crimson as the anger bubbled inside him. This guy never learned a single lesson, did he?! "Listen to me! We are trying to execute a—"

"Choromatsu, my dear brother, I told you to shut it for a second. I'm reading, see?" Osomatsu wiggled the page he was holding onto before calmly licking his thumb to flip the page with a crisp snap.

"YOU—"

"Choromatsu, stop, he's just toying with you." Todomatsu placed a steady, grounding hand on his brother's trembling shoulder, staring at Osomatsu with icy, dead eyes. "Just get straight to the point before he infuriates you into a stroke."

Choromatsu took a sharp, rattling breath and cleared his throat into his fist before speaking loudly, tapping his foot like an angry school principal.

"Fine! Let's talk about you ruining my high-stakes handshake meeting with Nyaa-chan by shouting disgusting things at her! Let's talk about you calling Karamatsu a pathetic sadist to his face, or catching Ichimatsu in his clothes and threatening to ruin his life over it! You think you just get a free pass for all of—"

Osomatsu covered his mouth, letting out a massive, exaggerated, incredibly rude yawn right in the middle of Choromatsu's speech, blinking away a lazy tear. "...zzzt. Huh? Oh, are you done listing your grievances, Fapping-matsu? Because honestly, I don't even remember half of—"

Choromatsu's eyes bulged. "DON'T CALL ME THAT! Oh, about that. You're also guilty for catching me up on...on...on that incident!"

"Ah...Aahhh! Now I know what you mean!" Osomatsu suddenly gasped, a terrible, mischievous spark lighting up his eyes. He abandoned his comfortable lying position to sit up on his knees, pointing a dramatic finger in the air. "I totally remember when I caught you jerking, brother Choromatsu! I remember it so clearly! You were lying right there with your pants entirely down, sweating like a pig, with a mountain of disgusting 18+ magazines piled around your—"

"RRAH!!"

Choromatsu suddenly flew forward like a launching missile, shoving Osomatsu's shoulders and pinning the older brother flat against the tatami mat. Osomatsu immediately tried to resist, wildly kicking his legs to brush Choromatsu off his body and trying to wrench his hands free, but Choromatsu was fueled by pure, unadulterated humiliation. He grabbed Osomatsu's wrists, locking them down tightly.

"Hey, Choromatsu, what's wrong? D-did I offend you with something?.." Osomatsu squeezed out, the wind knocked out of him from the sheer weight applied to his stomach as Choromatsu straddled him.

"Don't act like a fool now! You remember every single one of your dumb acts! Everyone remembers them!"

Osomatsu craned his neck, straining to peek past Choromatsu at the rest of the brothers. His eyes widened in genuine horror as the remaining four stepped over the threshold, a dark, unified shadow falling over the room as they made their way toward him. He tugged frantically at his wrists again, but to no avail. Choromatsu held them with the grip of a madman.

Karamatsu stepped up first, slowly sliding his sunglasses down his nose with a look of cold, dramatic betrayal. "A brother's words should be a warm blanket, Osomatsu... yet you chose to trample my stylish soul and brand me a sadist. Prepare to feel the agonizing sting of my broken heart."

"You saw me," Ichimatsu mumbled from beneath his messy bangs, looming over Osomatsu's left side like an urban legend. He slowly held up his hands, curling his fingers into trembling, menacing claws. "You saw me in his jacket. You threatened my existence. Dead men tell no secrets, Niisan."

"Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Yeah! Ha-haaa!" Jyushimatsu cheered, bouncing on the balls of his feet on Osomatsu's right, his wide eyes unblinking and his mouth stretched into a massive, terrifyingly cheerful grin. He didn't even state a grievance; he was just vibrating with pure excitement to execute the mission.

Todomatsu stopped at the foot of the mat, crossing his arms and looking down at his oldest brother with absolute disgust. "Honestly, you're a public menace and you ruin my social standing just by breathing. It's time for an attitude adjustment, you garbage NEET."

"Okay, okay!" Osomatsu exclaimed, a nervous sweat breaking out on his forehead. "I—I admit I was a bit of an asshole! But it's not a reason to do bad things to me, is it, guys? W-what are you planning to do anyway?..."

The room went deathly quiet for a split second. Then, five pairs of identical eyes locked onto him with absolute, predatory focus.

"Oh, you'll see, Osomatsu-niisan," the brothers spoke in eerie unison. "You'll see."

———

The quiet, peaceful afternoon sun beat down on the Matsuno household. From the outside, the neighborhood was completely still. A stray cat napped on the fence. A gentle breeze rustled the trees.

Suddenly, the entire frame of the house violently juddered, a massive, distorted shockwave of sound ripping through the roof.

"...aaAaAAARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Back inside the room, the tatami mat was a warzone. Choromatsu had shifted his weight, now completely sitting on Osomatsu's wrists to keep his hands pinned helplessly above his head. Karamatsu was relentlessly digging into his left armpit and left ribs, while Ichimatsu mirroring him on the right side, his clawed fingers finding every sensitive spot along Osomatsu's right flank. Todomatsu was busily straddling his big brother's hips, his fingers mercilessly working over his stomach, while Jyushimatsu aggressively attacked his bare feet with terrifying speed.

"AAHahAHAHA!! G-GUHUYS—AHA! W-whAHat the heHELL!??" Osomatsu sobbed, hot tears splashing out of his wide-open eyes as he frantically arched his back off the mat, desperately trying to escape the overwhelming, multi-directional onslaught.

"This is called revenge, Osomatsu-niisan," Choromatsu spoke down to him, watching the absolute chaos unfold with a satisfied, villainous smirk.

"Try his belly button, Todomatsu. I'm sure he's quite sensitive there," Ichimatsu muttered darkly, not pausing his own rhythm for a second as he squeezed Osomatsu's upper ribs.

"G-GuhUYS, guys, guhuys!!" Osomatsu pleaded, his voice cracking into a high-pitched squeal as Todomatsu immediately took Ichimatsu's advice, driving his fingertips right into the center of his stomach. "NO-HOHOHO! NOT THERE! TO-TOTTY, STOP! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

"No way~" Todomatsu chirped sweetly, his face a mask of pure, adorable malice. "You never stop when we ask you to!"

"Juicy! Juicy, help meee-ehehee!" Osomatsu wailed, trying to appeal to the wild card.

"Ushaa! Golden ratio! High speed!" Jyushimatsu yelled in response, his hands moving so fast they were a blur against Osomatsu's soles.

"This is called revenge, Osomatsu-niisan," Choromatsu spoke down to him, adjusting his glasses with his free hand while still pinning his wrists. "And since you never learn your lesson, we had to upgrade our strategy."

Choromatsu’s smirk turned entirely sinister. He glanced around at the others. "Everyone... it's time. Initiate Stage 4."

"Stage 4...?" Osomatsu gasped out, his breathless laughter instantly dying in his throat. His tear-filled eyes widened in sheer, unadulterated horror. His voice dropped into a desperate, cracking whimper. "Wait. No. Not...not that! Guys, come on, anything but that! I'll pay for the parfaits! I'll buy the next round at Chibita's!"

"Too late for bargaining, Niisan," Todomatsu said coldly.

With a silent, synchronized nod, the brothers shifted into their final positions. Choromatsu locked his grip like steel. Karamatsu, Ichimatsu, and Todomatsu hovered their fingers right above his ribs and stomach like a firing squad ready to strike.

But the real threat was at the bottom. Jyushimatsu took a deep, athletic stance, his hands hovering over Osomatsu’s knees. His absolute, top-secret, hundred-percent fatal death spot.

Realizing his begging wasn't working, Osomatsu's panic hit the ceiling. He frantically tried to wrench his wrists out of Choromatsu's grip, kicking his legs wildly as he resorted to furious, empty threats.

"You guys are absolute monsters! This is literal torture! Do you hear me?!" he yelled, his voice cracking dramatically. "You are no longer my brothers! I disown all of you! I swear, the next time you're asleep, I'm going to—"

Jyushimatsu's fingers began to wiggle, slowly descending toward the caps of his knees.

"No, no, no! Wait, wait, please! NO! NOT THE KNEES—!"

Outside, a large flock of crows was peacefully resting on the clay-tiled roof of the Matsuno house, enjoying the quiet afternoon.

Suddenly, a sound resembling a dying tea kettle exploding through a megaphone ripped through the ceiling tiles.

"AAAAAAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHHAAAA—!!!"

The entire flock of birds collectively launched into the air in a panicked frenzy, scattering in all directions as the house practically vibrated on its foundations.

Ten minutes later...

The room was finally quiet again. The sliding door was open, letting in a gentle, peaceful breeze.

Osomatsu was sprawled out flat on his back in the center of the floor, his red hoodie pulled up completely askew. His eyes were staring blankly at the ceiling, his cheeks flushed bright red, and his chest was heaving as he let out tiny, involuntary, breathless giggles every few seconds.

"..hehe...hah...ugh... you guys... are the worst..." he wheezed softly.

The other five brothers were casually standing over him, completely unfazed, looking down at the absolute shell of a man they had left behind.

"And how long will he lie like this?" Todomatsu asked, checking his phone with total indifference.

"Ten minutes. Maybe fifteen," Choromatsu replied, crossing his arms and looking thoroughly satisfied with a job well done.

"Man, he really is pretty ticklish, isn't he?" Ichimatsu muttered, kicking a rogue horse-racing magazine out of the way with his slipper.

"Yeah," the rest of them agreed in unison.