keep going

Now I know what it feels like to be rejected. It’s when you’re already so sure with this woman yet when you have confessed and shown your intentions to commit, it’s ultimately a shattered dream.

It’s so painful. I never thought that John Mayer songs felt more realistic than they ever were before when I had not been dealing with such an issue.

This woman that I like didn’t choose me. Yet, I’ll commit to stay by her side as a friend and that’s how it should go. That’s ok, that’ll be enough. For now, i’ll try to grieve it out and little by little accept things that aren’t really for me. It’s going to be okay....soon. Finding out everything is just a game and then heartbreak is the name of that disappointment. It just straight up sucks.

I’m just glad this woman dealt with me maturely and went with a straight forward response. That’s what I appreciate about her and I’m glad she is that woman.

They say that there are two important decisions in this lifetime. One, is to follow Jesus with your life and two, is to choose the right person to marry.

There’s no such thing as “the right person” but I guess he/she will be the right one once you really get married. Well, here we are just in the looking stage. I’m really struggling with the person I want to marry. LOL. There’s this girl that I like, I haven’t asked her out but someone told her that I like her and now here we are, getting all awkward. Add up to the isolation of the quarantine brought by this pandemic, I can’t even talk to her in person as she keeps rejecting my messages. It’s just sad. I want to try and ask if I could just be at least given a chance. But seems that the girl I like is still idealistic with the “right guy” given all the things I have to go through.

There’s this other person who I admit, I looked at as more than friends but with our distance apart, it’s just impossible. Maybe one day, we’ll cross paths again but for now, the internet is what keeps us as friends.

By the way, all these things I’ve been going through for almost a year now. And i’m still looking for the right timing when to strike. But currently, i’m praying for the right attitude and self-response just in case I get rejected or whatever... but yeah, you get it.

“It’s not about you.” It’s the one tag line that summarizes myself being a part of a music ministry. Entering in this ministry, I’ve had plans that I think would be beneficial for the church - musically and technically. But as time passes by, the music ministry would play a huge part of how I would deal with certain situations that my perspective of what’s important will be shifted to something greater. The Apostle Paul speaks about Christ’s humility in Philippians 2:1-16 and as I stay in the ministry, I never thought that I would be the one who will be taught by God and be changed and that the ministry played a big part in how my perspective would change in terms of giving myself for others and for God. Nevertheless, these learnings aren’t just applicable to worship teams but to all who serve the Lord everywhere from the ushers down the hall who give a warm smile, to the simplest of those who arrange the chairs every week.

I realized that a lot of things should be considered in serving the people of God and His church. Four are some of what I’ve learned:

1. Submitting is necessary (Hebrews 13:17; Ephesians 5:21)

Have you ever had feelings of resentment and disappointment with your ministry leaders because of some things that didn’t happen or still aren’t happening because of their decision making? I know that struggle. In a weekend where I would get to serve, suggestions in my mind would come on how to make things better as soon as we receive the song list. But then, these things would change because some things are needed to be done. Even as Sunday itself comes, these arrangements would have to be removed or changed as ordered by our ministry leaders. When such interventions happen, pressure shows up on me because I have this thinking that “I prepared for it” or that “They are making things worse”. But now, peace of mind comes as I submit instead of choosing to dwell on negative feelings. Now, the most practical thing for me to do is to suggest ideas wherein if our leaders approve of it or not, I will submit and I will still be faithful because our leaders’ decisions come from God. I have to trust Him and my leaders with it.

We can say that God is our reason why we do the things we wanted to do for the church. But if we dig deeper, we may be just using Him to feed our ego. I struggle with submission because I really wanted to make things my way and also make myself be known for the ministry’s accomplishments. It’s only by grace that I am able to always know my thoughts and heart of wrong motives. To examine myself of who I really am as a servant.

Learning to be thankful when such instructions come, our humility and character is being molded by God because in submission He reveals our heart’s estate.

2. Throwing perfection away (Philippians 2:3-4; Epheshians 4:29)

I love putting my heart into the work that’s in front of me, regardless if it’s a big or small task. But with that being said, I was unaware that I struggled with perfectionism. There came one time that it’s because of my micromanagement and perfectionism that I didn’t know that I have hurt other volunteers because of how I am so attentive to meddling with their work. I became tactless with my words and became so controlling with my actions that it resulted to volunteers being shy of unleashing their own creativity, their potential and wit. By God’s grace and through the love of others, I began to learn that excellence does not necessarily mean perfection.

Excellence is needed but if there is a sort of standard you are trying to achieve where people can stumble, it can lead to ministries working for a production rather than responding to the work of Jesus’ by leading others to Him. It’s actually okay for people to mess up. I was so stressed of people making mistakes but as I learned about the grace of God more by seeing myself as a sinner, instead of showing an iron fist I’m compelled to encourage people more which led them doing better the next time. By others’ help, I’ve learned to let go of my perfectionism and micromanagement. There’s nothing wrong with striving to be excellent for the Lord because He deserves it. If people commit mistakes with skill, you should display the love and the humility of Christ and it will work out well along the way.

3. Dying from “the leadership” thought of entitlement (Philippians 2:14-16; Colossians 3:22-24)

I thought that being a leader means you are “front and center” because you play a vital role in the ministry. You are the one people look up to with the delegating of tasks, you set what needs to be done. That is true. But these built in me false expectations that people must treat me with honor and respect. As you meet people along the way, these expectations can be false. I’ve had a great rebuking in this aspect because the focus is again being on me, not God. In the ministry, I’ve learned that it is a privilege to be entrusted with a team and so people should be mentored as I am being mentored and that to disciple is to be of greater worth and that to build trust in leadership is to display being vulnerable first.

Think of yourself in an area where there is no stage or altar, and no congregation to lead and to speak with. The Apostle Paul in a majority of his letters encouraged people to do all things in the best we could be as it is God that we serve. Therefore, our leadership should be carved in the simplest of things because God places responsibilities for us to be good stewards.

For example, If I am a leader, then it should display with me being a good and loving son or brother to my family by being honest and available. If I am a leader, then I should as well be as faithful when I’m asked to clean my room or wash the dishes, or do well in school or work.

This world tells us that leadership should have many followers, to speak rhetorically, to look in a certain way, or to be in a notable position. Christianity says otherwise because we learn what it means to be a leader by being faithful with what is just closest to us or what surrounds us.

4. Using food to know your ministry

Being in a ministry,  I’ve also learned to display the love of Jesus by crafting intentionality to those around me. I was usually labeled as shy and awkward. Yet, the root cause of it is me not wanting to associate with other people. It is by grace that I have gotten rid of that attitude and that now I initiate conversations over backstage meals that would then eventually get people into heartfelt talks, an encouragement, or an opportunity to receive and offer prayers. As time is my love language, I became intentional with spending time with my team or friends from the ministry outside church. I now treat and see my friends in the church as brothers and sisters and we now carry each other’s burdens. That bond begins because we ate outside or just went for coffee, visit one person’s house together or just do fun things. Jesus used meal times to show His glory and for people to know Him in a special way like how sharing over the table is represented in Jewish culture as sharing life and openness with one another. We should all do the same as well.

These are only some of the things I can share as I am also still learning. You will learn to lead people to worship, be excellent, and love people through ministry by putting the humility of Christ in you by submitting to one another, by empowering people, mentoring, and by building up one another.

There’s a reason why I took a break in ministry. Here it is. I had to deal with wrestling some of the things that God has allowed in my life - the struggle is so real. It took months for me to fully get up on my feet. But that season of being broken by God was one of the best ones. I’ve learned about the grace and mercy of God ten times more in darkness than in the good. It helped me establish who Christ really is in me and who I am in Him. Accepting some things in your life, where God placed me was dreadful but now I begin to see a mission field - that wherever I am, whether I like it or not, trusting in God as Savior and relying on Him is the ultimate good that I can have. The rest are just secondary. It depends on us how we will be stewards. 

In that season of brokenness I’ve learned to think, to thank the Lord, and to love people more as I experience His grace more. I’ve learned to lead people compassionately. In other words, I focused my ministry that is not music related. I’ve learned to prioritize my family, my disciples, my discipleship groups, my study of the Bible, and broadened my knowledge more on Calvinism and immersed my self in Tim Keller wisdom - the theology I’ve been learning were just for the sake of pride before. But now, my love for God increases as I know more about Him in an organized fashion. Those things helped me to become the person who I am now. I’ve stood up, but I’m still recovering for the loss of opportunity of the life I wanted to have. But it’s okay because I got more of Christ which is the only treasure I have in this life and in the next. 

As my mentor “maybe, somehow” knew that I am again ready and capable to be at my best, he asked me if I could help take the lead for Elevate Sunday but for just one Sunday and if I could get a team composed of the “old ones”. It’s been a long time since I’ve served as a ministry head. I even doubted myself due to such a dreadful time that I’ve had. I can’t even seem to recall how to become a good leader. But yes, it’s a month long preparation for me.

And so, the story continues. I was able to get the “old school” indeed. All of us serving for more than 3 years in the ministry, the majority are already working. But, these are the best people I think the youth ministry has bred to be one of the finest in terms of service, heart, and talent.

Desires. There are a lot of them and one is to have you. I don’t know who you are yet my love. But the Lord surely knows that I am being prepared to meet you. 

I am a messy work in progress but once I get the chance to meet you, rest assured I’m worth knowing. I am excited to meet you, I am excited to know you. I am waiting to spend my life with you. 

Zia Atienza. Somewhere around 2012 when we both first met. It’s hard to be friends with her because here you have someone who doesn’t laugh at my jokes, we share almost no interest in things, and she has this weird conviction of some sorts. I’m the kind of guy that puts a mark on people in their first impressions to see who’ll bite into my quirky and eccentric personality. And hers was just a plain sight of “Oh hi, hello” kind of friendship because I knew when I engage into a chit-chat, it would just be small talk - plain boring. I stereotyped her into a homeschooler playing safe on people who you’ll find difficulty socializing with.

Years pass by as we grow from time to time. It’s true - change is inevitable. The Lord carves each one that He loves and who He carves responds to wake up and change for His glory. A lot of us have been into that season - adjusting with our lives with school and work, letting go of ungodly relationships of some sort, letting go of the idols that we have (always), or committing to something that God calls us to do or to go. We have our own stories. Specifically for Zia and I, the music ministry was there and God had that burden for us to lead the ministry when our Youth Director (my discipler and mentor) asked us to pray and think about stepping up.

I stepping up as ministry head and she as a worship leader. Surprisingly it’s true, the ministry is a place where people get honed and the both of us became closer. Certain things need to be done. Humility took place (until now) and so is excellence for the Lord in talent and effective leadership. 

During and after rehearsals we begin to loosen up along with other friends as we get to bond and know each other over food or through spontaneous and planned hangouts and coffee conversations. Eventually I realized that she’s pretty cool to hang out with actually (haha).

Proverbs 27:17 proves that iron sharpens another iron. It all became true as we both had that brother and sister bond, we called each other “fam” ever since. Not just in the ministry but in our circle of friends. I knew I had someone to rely on as she overseers the worship leaders in the music ministry. Leaders need each other’s backs. She says my mistakes straight forward but still in a loving way without any sugar coat if I’ve done something wrong or if pride gets in the way. Nevertheless, we give time to listen to each other’s frustrations and disappointments and provides some things on how we can make decisions in the ministry prayerfully. Healthy.

Now, Zia has reached up to be a woman the Lord gave a glimpse of as a woman of so much God-pruning. So much has changed in her spiritual walk, leadership, talent, and passions. Boys better beware she is deeply guarded (haha) once in case you get a crush on her. Lol. I know a lot of her likes and dislikes though so better be one of the first people to ask me (lol just kidding I would never do that).

So here’s for you Zia fam, if ever you’ll have the chance to read this (since this is like a personal blog). Wala lang. I just praise God for a sister like you. Never have I thought that we can be so close lol. Always know that I got your back fam if you need someone to talk to or if you need prayers. I always enjoy going the extra mile when we serve in the ministry together. 

Yes. The title of John Mayer’s song is what currently defines me. It’s been a while since I’ve written things about myself, barely almost a year. Last time, I’ve fallen into a hole, a void which kept me looking for answers. Heart-brokenness, a longing for answers on why I have made such mistakes and regrets. It was pretty bad knowing that I didn’t tell how I feel about her. I know and am fully aware that I’m full of excuses, that I’m being a coward, being afraid of what I’ll be. It resulted to the case being closed without a word, a definition, or negotiation. I was left alone while she’s with someone else, officially. I’ve lost what I never had. 

I tried to look at my best self when I’m with others and yet my closest of friends know that I am not okay. I didn’t know how a girl would inflict such damage, such collision into my heart. 

I relied on rumors. I fell in love with a woman who fell in love with a man who was too distant - who I thought, they finished off their unofficial relationship, cools down, and unexpectedly fixes it to become together and increasingly grows stronger as a couple, unofficially. It’s all my fault. I never should’ve loved her in the first place. It’s my fault, I should’ve gotten out while I still had the chance.

It’s quite common that we do the usual resolutions each new year. I’ve been there: to eating healthier food, working out regularly, and sticking with a fixed budget. These are excellent goals. But the truth about these things is that once you break one of those, you can feel guilty and you’ll try hard fixing it and failing to establish it for the rest of the year or perhaps, totally fail to maintain them entirely.

That’s why I’ve decided to think of some things to change this 2016 by making it people-oriented, God-directing, and pleasurable. As Jesus teaches us to love others intentionally and Him of course, so we must apply this to our living. When all of this is done, so we can focus on ourselves after.

1. To Have More Time On Building and Deep Conversations

I’m not an extrovert, neither an introvert. But once I get to know people and their lives, I myself initiate to go out with them and treat them somewhere over coffee or a somehow fancy restaurant. People always like talking over great beverages or good food. Try to limit the small topics but rather invest in how you can build up a person or how you can create a bond that will soon meet each other’s trust. Although there’s nothing wrong of joking or fooling around (I most of the time engage in one if I’m comfortable over a person), talking about your favorite hobbies or sports, it’s much better if we’re intentional in regularly putting ourselves in deep and meaningful conversations. Asking about how the person has been through over the week, sharing some life experiences which might open up to something that person is also going through and lots of things which can matter. 

2. To Complain Less

Ah. All of us complain and rant, especially me. Just check my Twitter account (@hedeguzman) and you’ll see how bad of a complainer I am. I know, it’s my struggle. Well by God’s grace, I was able to overcome some things by not posting quickly about my frustrations and disappointments and by God continuously changing me, it became to decrease day by day. It’s excellent to develop this kind of attitude of complaining less because the truth is, people are always seeing you and your world gets smaller and smaller because of these social media sites that are available. For me, I need to change my habit of complaining because as a guy who’s in the youth ministry who works and leads people to God, it’s a shame if people will see me react among certain situations especially if it has something to do with authorities, sudden changes to what’s planned. It’s because through these things, people will see how you were raised by your parents, discipler, or leadership. To complain less and provide answers and solutions are much better than just complain more and back stab people and gossip. I didn’t say to not complain because it’s impossible not to and it’s hypocrisy for me to say that you cannot complain at all, people have feelings you know. 

3. Lessen Your Worrying

Matthew 6:25-34. Jesus explained it Himself. At most of the time, I am afraid and I worry too much. But as I looked back on what has been happening with me, the worries that I had were put in vain because I just kept on overthinking. It’s much better to gather your thoughts and prepare for what’s going to happen.

4. Pray More

This is somehow connected with lessening your worrying. God’s got everything, He is sovereign. Also, it’s easy to pray less when we have a lot of things to do and if we have busy schedules, but really, life should work differently. I’ve kept prayer as a treasure because nothing feels better than talking to the God who saved you and keeps your life changing each day. No matter how busy we can be, committing to spend time praying - may it be during our travel to school or work, working out, or playing a musical instrument, God has something to say.

5. Read Books

There are so much feels in the books that exist today. Well, pick up something and buy one. Commit to finish reading a book at least 6 or 7 a year.

6. Spend Less Time On Your Phone 

Before, I used to wake up rolling over my bed’s side table and unlock my phone. That’s how it is before. The excitement of seeing the number of likes in the latest post you have or just checking some photos or articles that are aligned with your taste consume you. Instead of seeing them, it’s time to change the habit by rather pulling yourself out of bed, take some stretches and put those muscles to it’s energy. Through spending time lesser on my phone, I’ve learned to cook somethings (haha), well that helps.

7. Spend More Mealtimes With People You Care For

I have been thinking whether if I should continue having feelings for you, to fully declare that I love you. Or I am praying that God would remove these feelings that I have towards you. I am regretting this kind of situation. Why am I in love with you anyway, why am I so into you? Why are you the woman I think of each time I wake up or before I sleep? Why am I exerting so much effort just to see you, just to know you and just to know how you feel and how your day was?

I’m in a point in my life that I think of my life being a cycle - wherein everything I do just keeps on repeating that I am already in my end of having enough about everything I do whether it be good or stupid, helpful or not, magnifying or unedifying. Things just keeps on repeating over and over. How I wish that there would be variables in my life to spice things up a bit because the reality that everything I do becomes meaningless when I start to think of the things I do as repetitive, redundant, infinite.

It’s not that I am not having contentment, it just goes to show that I am already in the stage where adults are saying that life is just one big mess and a crazy world of spinning. For those who do not understand me, you will see it for yourself and feel it with all guilt of wishing how your life could be made more fun and exciting. I am experiencing this feeling maybe because of my fixed and tied up schedule. The constant cycle of my life is to wake up, eat, do my best and consider work as ministry, do my best and consider ministry work as work, go home, battle through heavy traffic, rest, sleep, repeat. These steps of constant cycle provoked me to question where is the excitement in my life, why am I born to work? Maybe I’ve been feeling these feelings and maybe I’ve been thinking these negative thoughts because I know for a fact that I am indeed burning out or maybe I am burned out, that I’ve been not taking enough rest, and I am too much analytical with the things that I have been thinking meticulously. For those who do not understand me, you will naturally have this feeling which you will also describe as “unlabeled”. Right now, I’m still working out these thoughts with my God and to be honest, I am struggling to surrender it out fully and just partially. But I am asking with all my heart all the grace I need from God to take out this thorn of feeling that life is just as a cycle and a huge mess. And if I could just be willing to get back to thinking right of having a meaning in my life of enjoying life with God and enjoying Him personally forever, the purpose of man - my purpose.