generating my own fun

...but it hasn’t made things less pressing.  I’ve been mentally exhausted for the last couple of weeks, possibly months and years. I can feel the wear in my body, and in the weight of my words.

In the last 2 years, I’ve changed jobs / relationship status / living situations / and now have an AppleTV and a FireStick. None of those things actually matter. So, what’s been on my mind? (This is actually a question I am asking myself right now, and wondering why I am compelled to write in this dead blog.)

I haven’t traveled in a while. I’ve been in one spot. I realize that if I keep waiting on others, I’ll never end up going anywhere.  Maybe I need a solo vacation, or a change of perspective somewhere along the line. 

Rereading this, I can already see that I am a different kind of writer now.

Some major things that have impacted me in the last 2 years is that my grandmother, approaching 94 this April, is now in home care at her apartment in San Diego. I spent a month last November with her around Thanksgiving. It was an extremely heartbreaking ordeal to witness --- I’ve never been this close to anyone who is expecting death. I do not know how I will react when I lose my lola; I can only anticipate feeling gutted.

I didn’t NOT write during this gap.  I occasionally wrote under a pseudonym on another platform.  It was mostly stuff about dating, and who I dated. Then, I stopped when I stopped dating around, and I ended up in a monogamous relationship. One clue: one of of my entries did go viral.

Currently working on all my relationships: with my sister, my partner (who prefers being called my boyfriend, btw), and with the friends that make sense to keep. There are very few people who have fallen under my created parameters.

It’s been hard work to make my life very simple. To do so requires one to develop the ability to endure judgment, live simply, and not preoccupy oneself with pettiness. This is still something I am trying to master, as I recognize I am not an island. I have people in my life who rely on me, so what are the most principled ways to show up for others, while also determining my own boundaries?

Gratitude list:

My sister and I have been spending much more time with one another, which is really nice.

While my partner and I endure various hardships, he and I do our best to show one another how much we love one another.

I have learned to grow more patient with myself and others.

While cleaning out my basement (#konmari on Netflix got me, too) and weeding through my sentimental items, I realize I have lived such a rich, fulfilling life full of people I am fond of and who are fond of me.

I am able to draw a line with toxic relationships, and with time, I will be able to let go.

Since the new year, I’ve been making public commitments to my journey to health (read: Instagram) where I have been doing 200 squats daily, 90 second planks, and I have been eating healthy food on a budget. This has resulted in losing a good 7 lbs. so far!

Now that I am older, I am better able to frame the loss and regrets I used to feel in failed friendships and other relationships: I am happy that we had the opportunity and the time.  When that time is over, that is alright, as we all move on differently.

I’ve been able to consistently use my local library to read books. I entertained a bunch of weird topics; I had range! That was pretty nice. I currently have 3 books on deck that I rotate based on my feelings. 

Mood.

Trapped at home and feeling isolated, so these are the things I’ve done to grasp some peace of mind:

- made a to-do list (for both work and life)

- assessed where I’ve gone wrong lately

- skimmed the available profiles 

- wondered over the validity of Facebook

- coming to the conclusion that it is still the best way communicate with people of my demographic

- gotten sad that I have been away from my friends

- planned my 20 hour Tokyo layover.

- purchased a piece of salmon

- waited for my carpenter to add some finishing touches on the 2nd floor ceiling

- mulled over a heavy heart

- create time to write more.

- cooked a piece of salmon

Last Friday, I spent the night performing with these lovely people from my Longform improv class.  My lovely and supportive friends came out, and I was drunk by 10 pm.

I really like it when my classes are full of fun people.  Sometimes, there are duds.

Improv has been most helpful for me in allowing me opportunities to channel my funny.  I am less of an asshole in public, and am way less passive-aggressive.

must learn to break old patterns.

I had a very strange dream last night:

I trapped and squished this little, green felt penguin named Howdy. No taller than my thumb. He was a human mother’s child, though. Howdy was also at a talent show (as a breakdancer), and I kidnapped him. My first instinct was to trap him in one of those little vending machine toy casings, but mine didn’t have the right lid so I just held a napkin tightly over it, instead. While his mom was waiting for him in the auditorium, I was going to tuck him away in a box of loose ends in a storage closet. Then, I ditched that idea and popped off his googly-eyes (like, arts-and-crafts googly eyes) and left him at a free circulars stand in the foyer of some restaurant in Jackson Heights, Queens.

I have no idea why I was so upset with him.

Truly hate when people talk about their dreams. It is the most boring topic, because it’s all crazy talk, anyway. No one can interpret dreams; there is no actual symbolism.  Dreams are your brain turning on the garbage disposal at night, where random things you once ingested can still trigger the senses in a very strange array. This dream (with Howdy the stylized, thumbsized, green felt penguin-child B-boy) was just so damn bizarre.

====== REGARDING MY ACTUAL LIFE: My fellowship.internship starts tomorrow! I am really grateful for the opportunity to use the time until Mid-May to figure out the landscape of my career. I really thrive in structured environments; it just helps me figure things out a bit more quickly.

This fellowship and intership program gives me that time to study. It is the right amount of pressure and space to feel things out. It will allow me to be more patient and less frantic.

I am also grateful that another kasama will also be in my cohort. Unless you are a kasama, I imagine it’s difficult to feel that kind of relief - to share an experience with someone who has the same perspective and works toward the same societal shifts, in what coule be “foreign” territory.

I feel really lucky to have chosen our movement.

Just excited to be in classes again. Prepared my outfits, my bag, my lunches, and my pencil case. There is even a blizzard anticipated - 20 inches in the NYC area.

I have my snow boots ready.

The last month of rest has been a lovely respite for all the stress and insanity I’ve put myself through since last May. This May will be a good check point to see how I’ve done. This is a good time to move forward.

Next weekend, I plan out the rest of my life. Drafts on paper, then onto spreadsheets. Color coding with Staedler highlighters as the finishing touch. 

Really proud that I get to begin the year with these fearless workers!  Again, such a privilege to organize in the community that raised me.  

When I saw my aunt for Christmas, I discovered that she was actually Mormon. After some conversation with her, I also discovered that she was very concerned for me. Only after half an hour did I realize that she was trying to save me. I made an off joke about not being one of the 144,000 tribes members that’ll make it, and tears started to well up in my aunt’s eyes knowing that I live across the street from a church. --- Our family must have played 30 rounds of Heads Up! to avoid actually speaking to one another. I also ate 19237192873 lbs. of chicken during Noche Buena.

--- I spent time with my kuya’s kids. They are a fun bunch! Really good, sweet kids. I find myself lacking hte energy to keep up with them though. I felt myself getting sick, and it just limited my interaction with them. I felt weird being around these perfectly cute kids.

--- What I realized while spending time with my younger sisters (who are both now grown and into their own lives and schedules) is that we’re getting so old. I constantly feel that pull away from them, a growing distance. It’s one of my biggest fears - not feeling that connection with them. I’ve always regretted not having more time with them growing up. Between our age gaps and both of them attending boarding high schools, we really didn’t have that much time. I wonder a lot what it would have meant to have stayed put, and how different the choices and opportunities would have been for me/us.

But we can’t change what’s already done.

--- The Netflix is also broken on my mom’s television right now. There is barbeque from this place we like in Newark’s Ironboud District. At this point, my mother hasn’t yet disassembled the tree. She is hoping that we still find the time to take a family photo together.

A really pretty credits sequence from Imitation of Life.

By Hanalei Ramos Malcolm Clarke, Todd Hall, and Shaka Piontkowskie (L to R) at the #BlackLivesMatter rally in Journal Square on December 20, 2014. Todd Hall rushed to Journal Square to meet other...

I still love this short after all these years!