Itâs been a while since Iâve engaged with my feelings.
...but it hasnât made things less pressing. Iâve been mentally exhausted for the last couple of weeks, possibly months and years. I can feel the wear in my body, and in the weight of my words.
In the last 2 years, Iâve changed jobs / relationship status / living situations / and now have an AppleTV and a FireStick. None of those things actually matter. So, whatâs been on my mind? (This is actually a question I am asking myself right now, and wondering why I am compelled to write in this dead blog.)
I havenât traveled in a while. Iâve been in one spot. I realize that if I keep waiting on others, Iâll never end up going anywhere. Maybe I need a solo vacation, or a change of perspective somewhere along the line.Â
Rereading this, I can already see that I am a different kind of writer now.
Some major things that have impacted me in the last 2 years is that my grandmother, approaching 94 this April, is now in home care at her apartment in San Diego. I spent a month last November with her around Thanksgiving. It was an extremely heartbreaking ordeal to witness --- Iâve never been this close to anyone who is expecting death. I do not know how I will react when I lose my lola; I can only anticipate feeling gutted.
I didnât NOT write during this gap. I occasionally wrote under a pseudonym on another platform. It was mostly stuff about dating, and who I dated. Then, I stopped when I stopped dating around, and I ended up in a monogamous relationship. One clue: one of of my entries did go viral.
Currently working on all my relationships: with my sister, my partner (who prefers being called my boyfriend, btw), and with the friends that make sense to keep. There are very few people who have fallen under my created parameters.
Itâs been hard work to make my life very simple. To do so requires one to develop the ability to endure judgment, live simply, and not preoccupy oneself with pettiness. This is still something I am trying to master, as I recognize I am not an island. I have people in my life who rely on me, so what are the most principled ways to show up for others, while also determining my own boundaries?
Gratitude list:
My sister and I have been spending much more time with one another, which is really nice.
While my partner and I endure various hardships, he and I do our best to show one another how much we love one another.
I have learned to grow more patient with myself and others.
While cleaning out my basement (#konmari on Netflix got me, too) and weeding through my sentimental items, I realize I have lived such a rich, fulfilling life full of people I am fond of and who are fond of me.
I am able to draw a line with toxic relationships, and with time, I will be able to let go.
Since the new year, Iâve been making public commitments to my journey to health (read: Instagram) where I have been doing 200 squats daily, 90 second planks, and I have been eating healthy food on a budget. This has resulted in losing a good 7 lbs. so far!
Now that I am older, I am better able to frame the loss and regrets I used to feel in failed friendships and other relationships: I am happy that we had the opportunity and the time. When that time is over, that is alright, as we all move on differently.
Iâve been able to consistently use my local library to read books. I entertained a bunch of weird topics; I had range! That was pretty nice. I currently have 3 books on deck that I rotate based on my feelings.Â
This is my life now, and I feel like Iâm close to a tipping point. Will report.













