Hamilton makes me cry a lot

P.S. when I say 'watch' Hamilton, I'm referring to the YouTube animatic version. 

Why: Listening to "Dear Theodosia", the line "my father wasn't around", the night before I had found out that my father, whom I had never met, passed away a few months ago. For no reason I could figure out, I just started crying. 

Where: Metro North train on the New Haven line headed to Bridgeport Why: I took a few months off from listening to Hamilton. It wasn't because I don't love it, I just had to. A few months ago a dear friend of mine passed away suddenly. I hadn't seen him in a while, we were closer in college that happens, you move away and you don't talk as often. But he was still someone who was very important to me. He was so full of life and love and talent (God, what a voice). He was also one of the funniest people I've ever met (and I'm currently pretty deep in the NY comedy scene). As is documented pretty well in this blog, Hamilton makes me cry. So so much. When my friend died, I was crying all the time. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt for not seeing him more often before he passed. I visited him in the hospital the day he died but he was far gone by then, and I wish I'd seen him more before that. Listening to Hamilton, a story that deals so deeply in death, I couldn't handle it. I was crying all over the place already, Hamilton made me too sad. I'm a person that loves a good cry, crying makes me feel better but not with this. When my friend died everything hurt. It hurt because he was gone, it hurt because it felt like I'd wasted time not seeing him. Going to his funeral and seeing what his poor mother was going through, it wrecked me. No mother should have to go through that. When I was 12, I felt the same at my aunt's funeral, seeing my grandparents. But at 12 you can't fully process that. It hurt so bad. But my friend always said the Choose Joy, and that's what all his friends have tried to do these past few months. It's hard sometimes, but we have to. And a few months ago Hamilton couldn't bring me joy. It is beautiful but it all felt too close. I'm finding the joy in it again. Now why SPECIFICALLY am I crying on a train? Well, today is the first day I'm really listening to Hamilton again. I was getting closer to going back to it but then the election happened and the world was thrown into such a state that I couldn't handle sad music again. It feels like everyone in NYC is at the same wake. Aside from garbage people that are everywhere and feel they have power now, most of the good people of NYC have been more sensitive and supportive and loving these weeks. Thank GOD I live here. BUT, why today you ask? Why are you ready? I found joy in it again through a Facebook video. I've been holding off on listening to Mixtape tracks because I thought the day it drops in full would be my big return day. But today as I was scrolling on Facebook, I spot a video that says #Ham4Bey and if there's two things I love it's Hamilton and Beyoncé. I click on the video and it's six very talented singers singing a 6 minute mashup of Hamilton songs with Beyoncé songs, and it's FANTASTIC. They killed it. I can't praise enough to do it justice so I'll leave the link at the bottom. It just made my heart light up and it renewed my THIRST for the cast recording. I'm happy to feel right again. https://www.facebook.com/HeyMichaelKorte/videos/1350614124958261/

My boyfriend and I have been together since we were sophomores in high school, I’ve had a crush on him since I was ten. I have always been waiting for it, and last night he told me that he doesn’t always understand why I love him, but he wants to wait around and figure out why. So that is just one part of why I am currently sobbing while walking to class. The way he get so damn angry at the end, “then goddamn it I’m willing to wait for it” and he calms himself because the way to get ahead is to keep your mouth shut. He bottles all those feelings up, he keeps a lid on it, but he loves Theodosia, both of them. He feels for them. I just. I am a mess I love this damn musical.

Where: Brooklyn bound R train at 42nd street Why: have we talked yet about the part in “Alexander Hamilton” that makes me flush with emotion? Multiple times throughout the show they refer to Hamilton’s mother dying of the same illness he had. In the opening the ensemble whispers that “Alex got better but his mother went quick.” And that gets me. Not just because it’s terrible to here his mother passed, but I like that the opening is one of the only times he is referred to as “Alex” rather than Alexander or Hamilton. It puts me in a headspace where I can feel that he’s really just a kid. He didn’t really have time to be a child, he lost his parents so fast. The whisper is so effective and reverent.

Oh this is just a stream of blah, blah, blah with no coherence. Believe it or not, I am considering moving to New Jersey and am largely choosing that my address be WEEHAWKEN in honor of this story. I need daily inspiration so that I will keep telling stories for my clients.

I'm pretty sure I would completely lose it if I saw this musical in person. 

I cried at the line, "He aimed at the sky, wait!" because it embodies Burr's guilt and his buried love and fondness towards Alexander. Also, "This man will not make an orphan of my daughter," because hdjksdfddsjfhk

Why: Cried because of "Dear Theodosia" again. I don't exactly remember why I wrote about this song before so sorry if this is a repeated sentiment. "Dear Theodosia" is the latest (and possibly best) in a long line of showtunes about parents singing about wanting the best for their kids, which is a SURE way to make me weep. This is a started with me as a teenager when I got the OBCR of La Cage Aux Folles. I'm lucky enough to have wonderful, supportive but responsible parents. They support everything I want to achieve but will not sit passively by if I waste my life away. Basically what I mean is that they undeniably want me to be happy. When I was a teenager (as is the case with lots of teenagers) I was emotional and lonely and probably not nearly as grateful for my parents as I should have been. But then my brother got sick. My little brother has lupus and we discovered it when he was 11. He was in the hospital for weeks and may have needed a new kidney (luckily he got better and still retains all his original kidneys). My older brother and I were still in high school so my parents were stretched thin trying to work and be at the hospital with my brother but also be there for my older brother and I. And they never complained. I could see how worried they were, how stressed but in times of trouble they were there for *all* of their children. That was the point in my childhood where I started to really appreciate my parents and what they do for me. I think about that time in my life anytime I hear these types of songs. La Cage has "Look Over There", which used to hit me the hardest, because Albin's son has hurt him in that moment. That's the same reason that I cry at the line in "Enough" from In The Heights where Camila says to Nina "what did we do to make you think we wouldn't do anything and everything for you?" These songs show how their children just haven't realized yet how much they've sacrificed for them. What's different about "Dear Theodosia" is that Burr and Hamilton are singing to their infant children, there is nothing but optimism and pride here. They haven't been hurt, they are completely unselfish in this moment (not to say the parents in other songs are selfish at all). The fact that they *don't* have history with their children is what makes this song beautiful. It's this new, unconditional, optimistic, and effortless outpouring of love. “Dear Theodosia” is like a prequel to those other songs. It’s the source of them. It shows that no matter their children do, they will love their children truly and deeply. Obviously we can see this in the other songs but it’s different to see it from the source, it’s so pure. And it’s a side of both men we don’t see before this song. The love they have for their children makes them better people. Complete selflessness. And it makes me think of my parents. And it makes me feel lucky. And thus makes me cry.

Where: the 5th Ave/59th street stop on the N train Why: Teared up for lots of reasons today. Firstly Daveed Diggs came into my coffee shop and I didn't say anything because I'm a scaredy lady but it was cool enough serving him coffee. He was very nice. But now I'm on the train listening to "Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story", which I've talked about before because of Eliza. Now I'm crying because of the general theme of the song. One of my fears is that I mean nothing in this world. "When you're gone, who remembers your name?" I see myself as so utterly unremarkable. I want to be important but I'm not and I want to change that. I feel lost. It's not this song's fault I feel this way, it just puts it into the right words. It's true that "you have no control", a lot of this musical refers to control. Burr says in "Wait For It" the line "I am the one thing in life I can control". And I guess I feel like I've lost control. This is a time when my mom would tell me to pray. I don't know how exactly what I feel about faith now, I believe in God, I know that. But I get so down on myself that I feel like I don't deserve help, because I should have control. But I don't. Man, this has become a full blown spiral. And then Eliza comes in and this song fucking destroys me. I go from the spiral to Eliza, which is hope. She put herself in the narrative. Fuck man, fuck.

Where: Queensbound N train between Lexington Ave and Queensboro Plaza stops (so technically under the East River) Why: tears up listening to "Wait For It" because of something I'm not sure if I can even articulate. "I'm willing to wait for it" kind of implies a humbleness in Burr. He's talking about things that are so important to him. This song kind of indirectly addresses his faith in a higher power, I guess? He's saying he is patient and he's doing everything the way he's supposed to and if he does that something will reward him. And Hamilton is making him question that faith. But he doesn't see clearly that it's not a higher power vs no higher power, it's that there's a balance to be found in following the rules. I feel like I've followed the rules my entire life and done exactly what I'm supposed to and it's not making me happy. I'm realizing now that following the rules is nice but it's not the most important thing. Like I imagine Burr, it makes me feel lost. But I have to make my own path and that shit is scary. But uncharted territory is always scary. This song just makes me think a lot. It's also what makes this show so brilliant because Burr is the antagonist but he's not a true villain.

Where: Uptown N train between the 5th Ave/59th Street and Lexington Avenue stops Why: in "Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story" the part that puts me over the edge crying wise isn't the lyrics, it's remembering the combination of staging, music and acting that stuck with me. Eliza's last line is about wishing to see Alexander again but when you see it and the ensemble sings it just becomes clear, SO CLEAR that THIS IS ELIZA'S STORY. This story only exists because of Eliza and because she told Alexander's story and because she put herself back in the narrative and though Alexander is definitely the protagonist of this musical in a way, Lin is telling Eliza's story. The wife of a founding father having her story told. A founding mother. That's something we don't get, that's something we want. It's so important. IT'S SO IMPORTANT. And perhaps I gleaned something different than was intended, but in the show when Phillipa Soo reacts it feels as if Eliza is stepping out and seeing that after all those years of telling Alexander's story, and Washington's story, someone is finally telling HER story. I saw it by myself, standing room. I cried the entire show but that hit me at my core. She's not just the wife of a great man, Eliza Hamilton is so important. To our history, to New York City, to musical theatre. This hit me like a punch in the gut. I cannot imagine a way to end this show that would have made me cry harder. I was crying so hard I couldn't stage door. I've loved Lin and all his work since In The Heights, I had planned on stage dooring but I was so emotional it would have been hella weird. Mostly because I couldn't stop crying and that's a weird way to meet people. Also I'm 24 and was alone. But anyway, this is just the kind of beautiful moments we don't get much as women, or even in musical theater in general. It was brilliant, and Phillipa Soo NAILS it. Everyone nails it. This finale is beautiful. I will definitely cry at other parts of this song, but this one moment WRECKS me like no other.

Where: Queens-bound train on the F line, the train from the 1930s from the transit museum that runs on Sunday afternoons only in December, between 2nd Ave and Broadway-Lafayette Why: Teared up at the line "Make me proud, son." Because it's just heartbreaking, though he was shot before the count of 10, Phillip did exactly what his father asked, the honorable thing and I'm sure Hamilton must have felt so responsible for telling Phillip not to fire. For not doing what Washington would have done, told him not to fight for his honor. And it kind of gives new levels to Washington, you know? Even though Lauren's shot Charles Lee, Hamilton wanted to and Washington thought of him like a son and he wouldn't want to put his surrogate son in danger. There are a lot of little kids with their parents on this train.

Why: It was a triple whammy my friends. I heard Eliza’s scream during “It’s Quite Uptown.” for the first time during class and started to cry a bit but managed to suck my tears up, then I heard “Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story” with Eliza’s gasp at the end and really started crying. As I continued down the tag I found about the national tour and started bawling. Luckily my teacher wasn’t lecturing and everyone was doing whatever because I ended up on the ground. My friends just covered me with my jacket and left me.