Hametsukaishi

fall in love again and again...

this becomes a recurring argument every time they do this, less because ilya is really that resistant to sunscreen (though he does hate it) and more because it's fun to argue. this is especially true when shane attempts to circumvent the fight by going "ilya, did you put my water bottle in a different bag? I can't find it :(" and then when ilya comes over to show him that it's in the same place it always is, shane surprise body slams him into the side of his parents' suv, hand full of sunscreen, and starts attacking whatever he can reach while david mildly informs them that if they dent or scratch the car they're paying for it.

It doesn't even occur to Shane that this conversation could go any better than it went with his parents, who had an impossibly quick turnaround on Ilya all things considered, until he's telling Rose and instead of her response being some variation of "why him?" she goes, "You're kidding me, Ilya Rozanov? He is so hot!"

And Shane freezes, the automatic defense sticking at the tip of his tongue. He tries to recalculate, but in the moment all he can manage is a flustered, "I- yeah. I mean he's - yeah, he is."

Something softens in Rose's expression, and then she's pulling at his arm, urging him to come sit down on the couch next to her. "You need to tell me everything, Shane! All the details, the dirtier, the better."

Shane sits, the relief flooding him enough to make his knees weak. His face feels warm but it's not embarrassment or shame coloring his cheeks - or maybe it's a little bit of embarrassment, because some of the details are really dirty, but mostly it's joy. It's pride, even.

"I'm not gonna do that," he laughs.

Rose raises her eyebrows expectantly. 'You, Mr. I-prefer-being-the-hole,' she seems to be silently saying. 'You don't want to share?'

"Okay, maybe some of the details," Shane concedes. He can't stop smiling.

"Fuck, yes," Rose squeals. She puts her hand on Shane's shoulder, standing. "Hold on, I need to get the rosé for this."

"You are such a cliché."

Rose waves her hand, an 'I know, I know' gesture.

The conversation lasts a couple of hours and Shane shares more about Ilya than he's shared with anyone. More than he even means to, so the rosé was definitely the right call. He can't stop himself because Rose is so happy, so excited for him. She gasps at all the right moments, giggles when Shane's blush gets impossibly brighter, leans in when Shane shows her pictures of Ilya and gives her gushing approval.

"Of course you landed the only hockey player who's even remotely as hot as you," she sighs. "You overachiever."

Shane laughs. "He's much hotter than I am!"

"Mm, agree to disagree."

ilya's reputation as a "womanizer" and a "ladies man" takes hold pretty early in his career

he's got a girl in every port, the man's having a lot of sex everywhere

(most of his teammates know that he's got a special fondness for jane in montreal, but that's neither here nor there)

shane genuinely isn't jealous, what ilya does when they're apart isn't his business, as long as he has ilya's undivided attention when they're together, which he absolutely does

someone makes a joke on twitter that all of the women he's banged ought to start a club

this leads to someone making a shirt that says "i hooked up with ilya rozanov and all i got was this lousy t-shirt" and starts selling it on etsy. a bunch of other people make copycat shirts and variations

the fad fades pretty quickly, but there's a brief moment in time where they seem to be everywhere, and jane texts lily every time he sees someone wearing one out in the wild

lily mostly responds with laughing emoji, but one time he responds with "i think that one's real i remember her" and shane has to remind himself that he's not jealous and it's not his business and he has to delete the picture so he doesn't go back and study it

not long after boston wins the cup, a package arrives at shane's secret sex condo, it's a version of the shirt that says "i slept with STANLEY CUP WINNER ilya rozanov and all i got was this lousy t-shirt"

shane is mortified, but also more than a little turned on. at some point he wears it under his other clothes when he meets up with ilya for a hook-up and ilya goes absolutely feral when he sees it

years later, when the whole dallas kent situation hits the fan, people start taking to twitter talking shit about other NHL players (and other pro-athletes in general) who treated them poorly

someone tweets out "i've never really talked about this because i'm not one to kiss and tell and it's really no one's business, but i just want to say that in like 2014 i hooked up with ilya rozanov and he was the most considerate lover i'd ever had. i was relatively inexperienced and so down bad for him that i would have done anything he said, but he checked in with me every step of the way, and *also* gave me crazy orgasms to boot"

and women start coming out of the woodwork responding to the thread with similar sentiments, that he'd set the bar for future hookups and relationships

and people are like "damn, consent king ilya rozanov, didn't have that on my bingo card this year" and "this man was really fucking his way across north america as a service to *us* teaching millennial women to have higher standards for their partners"

someone tweets out "i hooked up with ilya rozanov and all i got was multiple orgasms and really high expectations about consent" and it goes stupid viral

several months later when the fanmail debacle happens and hollanov are outed, that particular corner of social media has another meltdown along the lines of "and he's even bisexual? this makes so much sense"

someone jokes about getting shane a shirt, since he's a member of the club, this tweet makes its way back to harris, who feels like he should warn shane and ilya

ilya posts a picture to instagram of his husband lounging, wearing The Shirt, his underwear, and nothing else. the shirt is very obviously not new, has been worn and washed many times

but from a writing and storytelling perspective it's delicious. it's the narrative literally punishing shane for letting himself indulge. for letting himself figuratively (and in this scene literally) get distracted for once. he's paying so much attention to ilya and their relationship off of the ice and it's a reminder to us and to him that they are in a HOSTILE environment and that they aren't in a safe space. that shane has dedicated his entire life and all of his time and energy to hockey and ONLY hockey. and he’s always made sure every decision he makes (from the books he reads to the insane fucking diet he maintains to the personal and professional image he’s worked so hard to cultivate) is the right one to benefit his hockey career. to keep him at the top of his game and the top of the league and to never give anyone any reason to question whether or not he belongs there. and the one time he lets his personal life bleed into his hockey and distract him FOR ONE SECOND it wrecks him. literally. and not only that, ilya had to WATCH IT HAPPEN and reckon with having real life, very serious consequences of their actions. he is forced to face the fact that whatever it is they are to each other is bleeding through to hockey - to their lives outside of hotel rooms and each others houses - and that he cares about shane A LOT. that seeing some guy he’s been hooking up with get hurt like that shouldn’t ABSOLUTELY TERRIFY HIM the way that it does if all they’re doing is sleeping together.

LMAO OKAY SO I’ve had a LOT of people comment and reblog asking me to write more about this. I don’t feel like I’m the most qualified person to do so? but I’ll try 😅

okay, so clearly I'm approaching this from the perspective that shane doesn't let himself indulge. like ever. like I said before, shane has dedicated his entire life and all of his time and energy to hockey and ONLY hockey. when he first meets rose and she asks him to paint her a picture of himself at 8 years old, he tells her it was still a time in his life where he could enjoy hockey. where it was fun. because scouting wasn't for a few years down the line. I don't know a lot about hockey specifically, but I went to an american high school where football scouts starting looking at people at 14-15 years old. I know the same thing happens in baseball and soccer and I'm assuming it must be pretty similar for hockey. now, I haven't read the books so all of this is gonna come from the information the show gives us - but based on what shane said, I'm gonna assume he started taking it seriously around 12-13 right before or around the time scouting would be starting.

so he didn't have time to be a 'normal teenager'. when other kids were dating and going to parties and joining clubs and experimenting with drugs/alcohol/in other ways, shane was thinking about and living and breathing hockey. it's acknowledged in the show he's had at least one girlfriend at some point other than rose (and I think in the book he is dating someone during the draft but doesn't bother to bring her along cause she's got other stuff going on?) but we never hear him bring up dating or women or having a family in the future. we know from the show that he has a super strict diet and that he SUPER rarely drinks alcohol. outside of seeing him work out and read hockey books and spend time with his parents and hayden/the pike family he doesn't really do anything outside of hockey. he spends time at his cottage and does yoga and like ??? that's it ???

and then he meets ilya. and talking to/associating with ilya isn't completely breaking the mold for shane, because that rivalry/situationship/whatever is still in the world of hockey. he's not being asked to completely step out of his comfort zone because ilya is another athlete, in the same sport, and maybe the only other person who understands what he's going through, as they're both being touted the most promising hockey prospects of their generation. so it's not taking him away from hockey. it's not distracting him from hockey. until it does.

even though neither one of them wants to acknowledge it or admit it, them hooking up DOES NOT stay casual for either of them. when something gets in the way of them seeing each other, or they're mad at each other or not talking to each other or something is off between them, their performances on the ice start to suffer. especially when they play each other. the disastrous montreal v boston game in episode 4, the commentators literally end the broadcast (as we see it) with: "but where on the ice was shane hollander? and where was ilya rozanov?"and then we get the fucking scene of all time where they end up at the same club and everything goes to hell. and it's not the first time it's happened, its just one big example of shane having something from his personal, private life, effect his performance on the ice. and then it follows him directly off of the ice to the tune of 'all the things she said' and all of us crashing out in our living rooms, local sports bars, etc.

it is SO CLEAR in the show, especially during his conversations with yuna, that he always made sure every decision he makes is the right one to benefit his hockey career. to keep him at the top of his game and the top of the league and to never give anyone any reason to question whether or not he belongs there. because not only is he dealing with the pressure of being the asian representation in the league for people to look up to - he's also dealing with the casual and blatant racism in the locker rooms, on the ice, most likely in his personal life that we don't really see too much of. he's also dealing with the pressure of maintaining a specific public professional and personal image that will make his sponsors happy and continue to bring in more opportunities for him in the future. PLUS the pressure of being a captain that is expected to lead his team to several championships, while also constantly being compared to and measured against rozanov in every single aspect of their careers.

it's clear that they've always looked forward to playing against each other on the ice. it's clear that they push each other to be better. it's one of the BIGGEST reasons this rivalry that got pushed on these kids before they were even drafted actually WORKS for the league. there's a reason it didn't fizzle out and die after their rookie season. it's impossible to know (obviously) but it's VERY likely that even though they're both extremely talented players, they may have never reached the levels they got to with championships and individual player awards without each other. if they had been drafted in different years, far apart, or to different divisions that don't play each other often, or if they hadn't crossed paths in juniors... it all may have been different. so even though they never asked to be the faces of this iconic, legendary rivalry, just by being talented and playing against each other and being themselves, they kept that narrative going, even if they didn't want it.

so when they finally get to play together for the first time, on the same team, on the same line, we're finally seeing them on the ice in a way we've only seen them off of the ice. we see them exhale a bit. they don't have to pretend to fully fucking despise each other. they can still push each other to be better, but instead of using it against each other, they get to test their chemistry together, outside of the bedroom. they get to discover that their chemistry extends beyond that, on onto the ice. this, I think, is where the chemistry starts to bleed into the hockey. their personal lives are now NOT separate from the hockey in a way it never was before. shane gets to sit by the pool and watch ilya play with kids and it's not weird. they get to sit next to each other on the beach and it's not the end of the world. they get to celebrate scoring a goal by ilya kissing shane on the helmet because he's affectionate with his teammates and they've never been that before.

and shane walks towards it.

he asks for ilya's room number so he can apologize for freaking out and leaving when things started to feel too real. he admits that he likes him 'maybe a little too much' and asks ilya if he'd want them to be something if they could be.

NONE of that fits into his typical 'what is the best decision I can make for my personal and professional reputation' decision making. he knows what he wants and for the first time in a long time - potentially since before he was a teenager - he wants something that would be an indulgence. it would be 'selfish'. it could potentially ruin his hockey career if anyone knew about it. he doesn't know at this point if his parents, or hayden or jackie would be supportive. he knows they make each other better on the ice and that they always have competed their hardest (no pun intended lmao) against each other. but it's still such a bad idea. like he said to ilya during their first hookup allllll the way back in episode one.

and in this exact same episode, the narrative is going to step in and very fucking brutally remind him of that fact.

he gets FUCKING LAID OUT on the ice. now I've seen people interpret this a few ways. some people see it as an 'unreliable narrator' situation where he wasn't actually looking backwards he was just thinking about ilya and gets distracted. I've seen people say that it's definitely a split second he glances back and it's dragged out/slowed down as much longer for dramatic effect (like we see in the club scene) and I think that is exactly what's happening. as I said previously, by letting himself figuratively (and in this scene literally) get distracted for once. FOR PROBABLY NOT EVEN A SPLIT SECOND. he gets the most brutal possible reminder that letting his personal, private life mix with his life on the ice could have DIABOLICAL consequences. we've seen him and ilya take small steps towards admitting that what they have is something and that in their own little bubble, they're letting themselves have a small taste of that. and the one time he lets A TINY BIT OF THAT bleed into his hockey, reality steps in to remind him and ilya and us that it could be dangerous for them. literally. for SO MANY REASONS. and ilya having to WATCH IT HAPPEN after dealing with his dad dying and cutting off his brother and literally having NO ONE in his life but shane and svetlana... he already KNOWS he's in over his head with shane. he knows he's in love with him and he realizes in that moment how helpless it feels to not be able to do anything about it. they're in public, on tv, in front of the whole word. he has no right to know anything about the hospital he's gong to, what his condition is. and one of the first things shane thinks about is asking the paramedics to tell ilya that he's okay.

and when ilya goes to see him in the hospital, and they both have to reckon with the fact that shane (and now most likely the metros) are out of the playoffs, and that ilya was SO SCARED and that he wants to go to shane's cottage but he just can't let any of this get any messier and more complicated because it's BLEEDING INTO THEIR HOCKEY AND ILYA COULD BARELY HIDE IT ON THE ICE AND SHANE IS COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO INVITE HIM TO SPEND SUMMER WITH HIM.

that fucking moment on the ice. that less than a split second that lands shane in the hospital.

fucking hell man. I know we talk about the scott and kip moment as being the catalyst for ilya and shane and it absolutely is. but THAT MOMENT that sports fans get annoyed about. the story needed that moment. the characters needed that moment. and it's executed so well and ACTED so well and because the writing in this show is INCREDIBLE it's built up to SO WELL and the payoff is just excellent.

and ALSO, the hockey podcasts and like previous hockey players or athletes or just serious hockey fans who watched that moment and said stuff like 'that lookback was unforgivable' or 'you can't have that shit on the team' or whatever... like YEAH. THAT'S ALSO PART OF THE POINT THE NARRATIVE IS TRYING TO MAKE. CONGRATS. if it was ever EVER found out that THAT is what happened?? that their relationship distracted shane on the ice and he got hurt?!

OH FUCKING BOY. hockey and professional male sports in general are already NOT welcoming to gay athletes. and we see from the reactions of CERTAIN TEAMS AND INDIVIDUALS in the long game exactly what that looks like. THIS IS ALSO THE NARRATIVE COMMENTING ON THAT. because it HAPPENED ON THE ICE. IN FRONT OF THE WORLD. AND PEOPLE SAW IT. if they knew the context??? holy fuck it would be SO BAD for their careers.

I JUST CAUGHT UP ON LIKE TEN CHAPTERS AND NOW IM HERE TO SCREAM AT YOU ABOUT IT. BECAUSE YOU SINGLE HANDEDLY REVIVED MY GRISHAVERSE HYPERFIXATION First! Happy chapter 69, sorry I missed the drop date 😞 SECOND—

Watching Kaz fall deeper and deeper into this isolation that he’s literally building for himself is. So……….. I mean it’s awful but I can’t look away. What makes it worse is that he’s almost self aware enough to recognize how self destructive it is, and he’s absolutely smart enough to realize how abusive morozova is, but he is neither smart nor self aware enough to put down the goddamn shovel. And it reeeeaally doesn’t help that every single time he even thinks about doing so, Morozova does something freaky and then says “have you considered.... digging… faster :3”

So he’s just spiraling into this depression of his, being kept company by his awful boyfriend and his also awful boyfriend’s awful boyfriend. Poor boy is stuck in the Love Triangle From Hell.

They’re like dogs in a fighting ring all trying to maul each other. Except, no matter who wins or loses, or who you bet on, they’re all still trapped in the ring at the end of the day.

I’d say “please give him a break :(“ but I think he would try to steal my kneecaps for suggesting that.

Reading through it all now, especially after been dragged away (kicking and screaming) really makes you like. Realize how much character development (derogatory) Kax has gone through. It makes me wonder like. If Chapter 1 Kaz had been given a look into the future, what would he think? What would he see? He was already a freak in the earlier chapters, but I don’t think he thought it would ever go this far. Man, he just wanted to steal some answers to an upcoming test, and now he’s here.

I think Kaz would literally spontaneously get over his haphephobia just so that he could smack himself across the face.

Kaz should totally like. Murder Morozova. Just a little. As a treat. Some light stabbing or something. As revenge for all the other stuff he’s been put through.

As always your writing is amazing, your prose gives me life, and I think you should totally publish a book so that I can buy 500 copies and get them all signed <333 How you’re managing to churn out this much content and have every word your write create actual literal fireworks is beyond me. Heheh. Hurt him more <3

YEEEEAAAAHHHHHHHHHH my evil plan to keep the grishaverse fandom alive through the power of horrible toxic fic continues. can i get a 'hell yeah'??

happy chapter 69! i am immature! and somehow 200k words into this fic with no sign of stopping. screaming and crying i guess. turned into One Of Those People with the super long fics fully against my will (possessed by the spirits of horrible fictional men)

Kaz's character development is...well...definitely far more of a devolution than an evolution we can say that much. he's been gaining some level of awareness that's new for him about his emotions and ability to talk about his feelings and his acknowledgment of his own desires and confronting the fact that maybe he has some complexes he needs to start working through. but i think aside from that he is worse in most ways, lol. and he has the awareness enough to be terrified of that outcome while also still kind of thinking himself untouchable enough to keep walking into it.

this relationship and everything it entails is very much an addiction for him at this point, one that he's hiding from everyone in his life because he KNOWS they would want him to quit but that he doesn't want to acknowledge as such because he still likes doing it too much even if he is aware that it's ultimately harmful. i think there is also a very large part of him that's aware he's gone too far and he cannot untangle himself from this easily/will not be let go and the fear of wanting to get out and not being able to is enough to keep him convincing himself to keep going forward.

like. as long as he keeps digging he can convince himself it's all in his control. the second he decides he doesn't want to do this anymore he has to accept that it's already too late and he's in too deep which would mean facing certain uncomfortable realities about his smallness in the world and his vulnerabilities that would break him to accept, at his current place.

but yeah. chapter 1 Kaz meeting chapter 69 Kaz would super be like "what the fuck is happening to you, man? stand up. you don't want to be comfortable, you want to be free" but that's because chapter 1 Kaz has never experienced being comfortable. chapter 69 kaz would find some way to blame it all on chapter 1 Kaz anyway. they're both messes.

I plead the fifth about whether or not Kaz will stab him a quadrillion times again like [other fic spoiler alert??] he did in AGM but yeah, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea.

anyway VERY glad to have you back and <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 you are so sweet and your praise makes me very soft. truthfully although i have some original works in my back pocket i don't have time to work on those bc i have too much investment in my fics at the moment lmao. i can't do outside work on my current visa anyway and the reality of publishing a chapter and having the instant gratification of ppl takling to me about it is too strong a pull compared to the isolation of solo-writing original works ahaha. but maybe someday!!!! you really never know.

Our task from this point forward is to continue supporting Palestinians. Keep boosting fundraisers and donate as much as you can. Share news from the Gaza Strip.

if this is the ending they've always wanted; then congratulations, you just sent a message for the struggling class that you'll always be lesser no matter your efforts and that you must be the bigger person against your oppressors or else they will fight back with worse. play the obedient role and they'll spare you. grief allows you to do war crimes and spares you from accountability. cops who swing their fists blindly in the name of justice is okay and will not be held accountable for their actions. second chances are decided by the people in power and for the people in power. classism is okay. alcoholism is a joke. the only way out for a former 'bad person' who's 'badness' is caused by never ending trauma - who happens to be suicidal - is by self-sacrifice. love is blind. love immediately forgives the wrongful actions you've done towards your loved ones. love also means it's okay for you to not ask for accountability for the wrong actions your loved ones has done to you.

Image ID in Alt text. [source.]

Make sure to read every word. Let it sink in. Doesn't it send a shiver down your spine? It does for me. Especially with the fact that a crowdfunding platform known for helping people recover from their finances would pull something like this! And they have announced it on other than October 7th, 2024, a year into the accelerated genocide that is taking in place in Gaza.

Iyad Sobhe (@yadsgaza) and Ruba (@rubashsblog) are long time neighbours and friends who consider each other as family. They are raising funds with PayPal ever since GFM has either terminated their fundraiser or made them lose access. Iyad has lost 11K while Ruba can no longer withdraw the 27K.

They can not afford to start all over when PayPal is their last resort. This means we have less than A MONTH to raise the entire amount of 60K! So please donate and share! Donations have slowed down significantly, resulting in 1 or 2 donations per day, when we should be raising $600!

You can match my friend! She has given $10 USD and if we have at least 60 people contribute the same amount in a month, we would able to succeed! (But you're more than welcome to give any amount! Even as little as $1 since PayPal accepts such amount!)

Verification: #90 for Ruba and #173 for Iyad in the spreadsheet by Hussein (@/el-shab-hussein) and Nairuz (@/nabulsi) [Keep in mind that the document has not been updated and does not reflect the current fundraiser. You can learn about it here]

Only 1 donation was made in the past 18 hours. Please keep donating and sharing so we reach the 20K mark! Remember: this fundraiser support 2 families - a total of 15 people - and they need to purchase basic necessities, but the prices have been sky rocketing!