Hamba Illahi

another level in my career that I really dream of ... but things are not going my way ... well, I don't know. Still keep praying... being hopeful as always...

but I need this break from all of this.. hence a Japan trip it is..

It's been quite some time since I haven't visited this page.

anyway, I have been living in uncertainty for months.. been applying my subspecialities twice.. the first one didn't secure as I was disqualified due to not completing 2 years post gazettment..but this 2nd attempt, by right, I fulfilled all those criteria. unfortunately, due to some technical glitch on the government site, my batch ( 90% of us) , didn't manage to secure for the criteria.. but our HOS will appeal for us.. again.. uncertain kan.. here I am .. in a district hospital for almost 3 years, I am indeed regressing.. I don't find any light yet.. I pray .. I pray and keep on praying.. I did approach a few people including the HOS for this.. knowing me,, the introvert, I don't normally go and approach other people.. just follow the flow.. but.. I need to chase my dream.. I need to get out from this comfort zone.. I don't want to get rusted forever... Hence, here I am.. persevere, struggling to get out of it..

"And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him a way out and will provide for him from where he does not expect." — Surah At-Talaq 65:2-3

but deep down, I believe Allah's promises.. HE will provide the best for me.. perhaps at the right time.. : (

I don't know whether I can hold on to this dream until how long..

should I just give up and surrender? I'm already dreaming of expanding services after this fellowship training.. huuu.

but I guess Allah knows better..

well, my career progression is still uncertain, and my marriage is obviously still in the dark ..

hahaha.. in which I already gave up with this fate... perhaps staying single is the best for me in this dunya... LOLs.

getting older alone, in solitude and on my own.

I try to stay optimistic, but deep down, I still need to address my sadness, my disappointment... though I still need to stay patient and just move on with my life.

people might see my smile, my cheerful face... but only Allah knows my sadness. :(

ok .. that's all for my ranting.

It seems that so close yet so far 😢

May Allah provides the best for me

For my dunya and my akhirah

I think my level of ignorance is wayyyyy too high. orang ckp masuk telinga kanan keluar telinga kiri.. That's how I've been trained since I waa small.. but today, i just reached my limit.. in which I need to say out loud.. huuu.. sorry lahh yerr..

bila balik kerja penat... tapi hari2 hadap dengar dan complain benda yang sama.. orang tu yg tak kacau sikit pon hidup kau.. x kacau sikit pon duit gaji kau.. not worth to be mentioned and stress about yah...

Salam.. it's been a while here.. pretty busy lately.. taking a long break twice.. i think this year is pretty hard for me.. Being left alone as solo physician in district hospital for 8 months is not something that I've come prepared for, of course. i've prepared my knowledge since in MMED years.. but being left alone.. being a head of department .. need to manage patients and settle administrative stuff at the same time is not something that I've been trained during MMED years. Anyway, there are some battles that I won and some I lost.. disappoinment burn out, angry etc.. those feelings that I've been struggling with..

2024 is something that i'm not really proud off actually. my HM in Langkawi also , i didn't perform .. but alhamdulilah manage to complete within the COT.

i'm scared for 2025.. more challenges.. i hope i can skip 2025.. hahah..

I bet I need to be strong and brave enough to face the world..

Im a solo physician in house in my hospitals

Been doing oncall straight more than 30 days..

Daily ward rounds..need to crash my brain to think and give decision plan for each of the patients under my care..

Tired yes

Drained definately

Minor mistakes i tried to brush it off

But certain decision with big impact to my patients outcomes really put me in distress 😭😭😭😭..

I feel that my brain is foggy..

Cannot think sharply like before

I dunnow..

But each of my decision definately give some outcomes to my patients

I feels that I am not doing enough

I tried my best

I tried to scroll down and check bloods results/double check my MO job,and documentations .. are they doing it correctly or not

I tried!!!

But its still feel hard when my decision causing bad impacts on my pts..

Allahu..

Ya Allah please make this easy

Dont put us a burden beyond my soul can bear

Ps

Tak mudah

Tak senang

Moga ini jalan yang terbaik

Ada one year plus untuk decide dan solat istikharah..

Moga Allah beri yang terbaik buat dunia dan akhirat..