If normal even exists atp

I hope I remember how much the fear of loss ate me

And I hope I’m always grateful for safety and for just having my family around me

and talk about science and green almond salad.

I feel very conflicted. Like what does any of this mean.

Fuck everyone that allowed the occupation of our countries

Our men with hearts as beautiful as day are fighting on the front lines for our collective freedom. Not just me as a Lebanese. But the whole world

One thing I am grateful for

Is when I think of death. I am not afraid of dying itself

I fear meeting Allah with a few missed prayers. Fasting I still have to make up for. Sins or mistake I’ve made. I fear shame.

I am grateful for this fear, as much as it eats my heart alive.

How can my younger self be stronger than the woman I am now

Do I lack the faith I used to have

Am I too attached to worldly desires

As simple and small as they are. A husband. A family. A home. Where no one is missing

I fear loss. More than I ever have in my life. I’m afraid to look at it in the eye. To accept it. I’m afraid that once I accept. It finds its way to me

It is selfish. To want to escape loss. While others are losing.

There is nothing I can do. I wish I had more acceptance. Towards everything we are facing. I wish I was able to face things with more peace.

But I fear I am not. I am enduring everything.

It feels like a war I knew was coming my whole life.

And yet. I was still taken by surprise.

And yet. I feel like I’m failing.

I am still going. Nonetheless. I’m afraid. I’m sad. I’m frustrated. But going

Perhaps that is real courage.

Not the absence of fear

I’m 26. I’ve been displaced three times. And there was a period where we had suicide bombings in my hometown nearly every month

Now everything is at risk of being bombed. They targeted the area im in today

How can i be displaced again with a child in my arms

Knowing there is no shelter that exists

How can i entrust my land to let my child grow on it

Without taking my child away from me

This mother’s day. My mom wished for me to be a mom when i hugged her

It has been a terrifying idea

I do not know how my parents or any parent did this

My partner said: “it’s like my grandparents during the Nakba. Do you think they waited for israel to be done to have kids?”

Bringing a child into this country feels selfish.

But maybe what’s most selfish is being afraid of bearing the fear of risk. The fear of love.

At the same time. Leaving feels like betrayal. I could never leave.

This war is hopefully the last

Either we all die