Lonely Girl

Everyday I feel numb. Most days I feel nothing at all. I want to feel something. I burn myself or cut myself, but I dont feel it. I see it but Im still numb. I do what I like, I dont like it. I eat what I want, I dont want it. I have no energy to be this person Im trying to be. I wish I had people to talk to, but everytime I open my mouth nothing comes out. Im not happy I never was. Everyday I hate myself I hate everyone. I want to think that there is someone or something out there waiting for me, but nobody is. Im alone and there is nothing I can do about it. I want to feel something real, something I thought never could exist in my universe. “If I could be a different person, I promise you I would”. 

lol a guy I sold a bread to texted me and he said he wanted to get to know me better but there is a catch I was with someone and he thinks the person who called him to tell him that I had his bread was my cousin. So I sounded how he wanted me to sound but I didn’t look like how he wanted me to look like. Thing is is i’m not even mad about it i’m so used to it that it doesn’t even bother me. PS it was the sunglasses btw lol.

today I am super busy and I still am I am going to be doing my homework tonight. When I finished working out I decided to watch a meditation video and as the guy was speaking he said picture something that you want to happen or see  that will make you smile or be happy, and I pictured my family (mom, dad, sister, brother and me) sitting at a dinner table talking and laughing and actually being a family. I didn’t realize it until later that I was crying. So tomorrow I’m going to try for the first time I’m going to try. :) 

I think I have bipolar. Honestly I just know I do. I have these mood swings and days where I am happy, sad and angry. I hate it tho tbh. I lost people from the way I act. My mom hates me she said I was the “difficult child” like whatever that means. I’m just broken and the pieces are too small to be glued back together.

Thanks, sorry I can’t control my emotions when they only reason why you go over is to see each other and not me. Soooo..... thanks. 

We all die a little inside.

I came to a conclusion that I will rewatch greys anatomy today but I'm going to start on season 4 because that is where my favorite character shows up (Lexie Grey). I'm going to share some of my favorite quotes from Greys in a while. but a little update on what happened today. I got a 99 on my exam or something like that. My teacher puts one two options for each question so that's why I got what I got. If you are wondering I am studying to be a teacher of science. Well time to do my other quizzes and do nothing else with my life other than wake up repeat and sleep.