Half-Baked Advice

S: Hello! Thank you so much for the question(s)! First of all, I touched a little bit on this on our first post, but all throughout high school I never dated, kissed, was confessed to, or anything. At one point I was wondering if it was just me or my personality, my face or anything else just like you! When not many people show interest in you it can sometimes make you feel a bit insecure. Basically, you need to become comfortable enough with yourself to let go of the insecurity. Once you can do that, start small by just chatting with people that you are interested. If it makes you feel any better, in the relationship that I currently am in, I made the first move. I gave them my number and we dated for an entire summer, going on actual dates, without kissing or even holding hands at all.  Let yourself get comfortable with the person and if you’re interested in dating then don’t be afraid to make the first move. You do not have to explain to anyone that you are ace, if you’re going to kiss someone or anything, that will come naturally on it’s own time. Also sometimes you have to go through a lot of people to find the right person. Sometimes you just don’t click with people and it will have nothing to do with you. Don’t be afraid to just go for it.

C: Yeah, re: the ace thing—there will be people who will want to date you. I can guarantee it, you shouldn’t need to worry about that. As far as how you approach it, that’s entirely up to you. If you’re afraid of accidentally falling for an aphobe and getting hurt, you can lead with it and see where that takes you. Nothing wrong with some pre-screening of dating prospects.

S: In regards to finding someone to date… Try going to activities that you could find people that you could get along with (cons, clubs). Get out there a little more hang out with your friends and their friends. If you don’t have many friends like me, then maybe volunteer somewhere or talk to more people at your job or school. To meet people to date, sometimes you have to get out of your comfort zone and go meet new people.

C: It may not be a bad idea to find some sort of LGBTQIA+ group to join? And I’ll be honest, I’ve never done the ask someone out and then get to know them thing. Everyone I’ve ever dated I’ve started out as friends (more or less, Stoner-Skater was just this moderately douchey guy in one of my classes who liked me and I was trying to get over someone else but like he’s an outlier and ANYWAY I digress). If you’re friends with someone first, you can talk to them about the ace stuff before you start dating. Then you can kind of skip past that, along with a lot of the “getting to know each other” phase, when you actually start dating. I know some people are leery about the whole “dating friends” concept, and say they don’t want to ruin a friendship, but I feel like it’s easier to start a relationship from some foundation rather than nothing. It is important to know that no matter how you approach dating people, you run the risk of wasting your time on people who aren’t worth it and getting hurt. But it’s important to put yourself out there anyway!

Today we’re talking about living with depression. Both of us have different experiences dealing with it, so we decided to both jump in on this topic.

S: Something that I see very commonly is people posting online about how they’re 16 or 20 or 21 and they have never dated someone. There’s no time limit on getting your first significant other so never let yourself feel bad for not having met someone by a certain age! Even if you’re 30 years old or however old you may be; don’t let yourself feel ugly or unwanted. It happens at different times for different people. Nothing is wrong with you!

I personally met my boyfriend at my first job (McDonald’s) when I was 18. My previous experience with guys were… well I had none. I had never kissed a guy, no one had ever asked me out before or confessed their feelings to me. Oh!!! Well I had done some talking to guys online before, but none of those relationships with guys ever led to anything serious? The conversations with my boyfriend generally would consist of work topics (how busy work was so far). We had very brief conversations, but I found him to be cute and nice and my work had given me some better social skills, so after a few days of small talk, I actually ended up writing my number on a napkin and handing it to him while we were both working. A few days later we started texting, he asked me out, and we started dating. That was all in the summer of 2013.

If you feel as if you are ready for and open to having a relationship then here are some suggestions! Get a job or join a club! You can meet lots of new people this way, which can lead to relationships! Don’t be shy at school (university or high school) if you see someone that you like, try to make up some casual conversation about whatever is happening in school or class! Online is a good place to find people as well, but make sure that you are safe and never give away too much information at first. If you’re going to date exclusively online, then you should webcam them, talk to them on the phone, and see pictures (but most importantly skype or facetime!!! We’ve all watched catfish). Have a puppy? Go to a dog park and socialize yourself and your dog!

You can bump into your future partner anywhere at any time, but those are just a few suggestions on where you can go to meet people. When I met my boyfriend though, I wasn’t searching for a boyfriend. Sometimes you’ll meet someone when you just aren’t looking so don’t become obsessed with the idea of it. Make sure that you are taking care of yourself first and reaching your dreams and goals! Love always,                         Shay

C: It depends on how important being in a relationship is to you, of course, but I’m inclined to say: don’t stress. There is no clock running out on when you can find someone you enjoy spending time with. Besides, romantic relationships aren’t inherently more meaningful than platonic ones. So if it’s societal pressure that’s making you feel like you need someone to be complete, tell society to fuck off. That being said, if you do genuinely want to be in a relationship, I can sympathize.

I’m what the kids call a serial monogamist. I started dating when I was in middle school—and I mean really dating, like going on dates and stuff, not just saying you are dating. My history with that goes all the way back to like age 5 or something. Anyway, in the decade-ish since I started dating, I have had 7 relationships with varying degrees of success. I regret probably 2 of them. I am not a person who feels comfortable being single. (I also had a problem saying no to people for years due to some bullshit childhood trauma, which was behind like half those relationships.) And you may say, “Carmen, you have no right giving advice about this shit! You’re in a relationship right now! You haven’t been ‘single’ for more than a month in over 4 years.” And hey, that’s fair. HOWEVER. Shay and I’s dynamic is based on her having common sense and therefore good advice, and me making lots of mistakes and therefore knowing what not to do. And here’s the short version of what I’ve learned from those 7 relationships: you can find people anywhere and be compatible with anyone. The whole concept of soulmates is Hollywood bullshit and puts too much stress on finding the “one”. Spoiler: they don’t exist. What does exist is varying levels of compatibility. And you won’t know until you try! So if being in a relationship is important to you, talk to people. Find someone who you enjoy hanging out with. That’s most of what an adult relationship is, anyway. Cotton Candy and I spend most of our time either watching TV, cooking, or talking about life and our mutual friends while we fall asleep. I met him through the theatre group on campus. Other relationships started through classes, swimming, or mutual friends. You can meet people anywhere. But the most important thing? Take the pressure off. Let yourself move at your own pace. There’s no checklist you have to follow to find love at certain times. You will be okay, I promise.