Left to his own devices, Hakkyuu would never put into words how he would express his appreciate for others without words. In part because it would feel too sentimental, and in part because if he is going to show someone he appreciates them, it is so much more likely it will be through a wordless gesture.

It would emerges in the way he finds space around particular people to sleep; the way he leans his weight against someone; how he slings an arm across shoulders, or around lower backs; it’s how he reaches up to push hair away from unsightly facial features; it’s how he’ll get between people and danger; how he’ll show vulnerability; how he’ll grab and shake sensitive topics and receive all pain and rage that spills out in catharsis.

Tapping a fingertip against the rim of his glass, Hakkyuu kept his eyes averted as he drew in a deep breath through his nose.

“… Everyone makes mistakes when interacting with other people. All the time. Some of the bigger ones I’ve made are less about things I did and more about things I didn’t. Chances I didn’t take, things I didn’t admit, questions I didn’t ask.”

He pushed the tip of his finger against the glass.

“When I left Ebonhawke, I should have asked him to come with me. And when we went to Lion’s Arch, I should have spent time with him before he left. 

“That…”

He gave a bit of a false-start, beginning and then frowning as he fell into silence for a long few moments.

Lightly, Hakkyuu’s pale fingers tapped against the bartop as his front teeth lightly rolled the soft skin of the inside of his lower lip between them. 

Then, he sighed through his nose and fell back into his seat to push both hands into his hair and stare upward.

“To say ‘it’s complicated’ applies to anyone, how we feel about people is always a tangled mess of stuff.”

He went quiet again, his tongue pressing against the flat of his canines for a moment.

“… But I didn’t really explore anything in relation to my sexuality until I was around eighteen or nineteen. When Aurus left and I was basically on my own and… didn’t know anyone. It was easier not knowing anyone, easier to just kind of… see what happened. 

“The reality is though that actions and realisations are different things. And I gotta say, I’m real good at repressing shit I don’t wanna deal with. Especially when I was a teenager. I had… messy feelings for Vrenille when we were in our teens–unrealised, unspoken about messy stuff. And again in the desert, with Aurus, and that was another, differently messy bundle of unrealised feelings.

“I can’t give a nice, neat moment when it was all clear as day. Desire doesn’t work like that and anyone who claims to have this shining moment where they magically realised something about their sexuality? They’re either lying, or delusional. It’s messy, it’s complicated, it hurts, and it’s always fucking changing–in little and large ways–but it is and–”

He paused and gave a slow exhale, then shook his head.

Tapping the second knuckle of his right hand thoughtful against his lips, Hakkyuu then gave a light shrug with his eyes alone and sat back.

“I don’t really do dates. Or dating. Or any of–” he waved a hand casually “–that… kinda stuff.”

Leaning back in his chair, he gave the question a little more thought before clicking his teeth lightly.

“But if what we’re basically asking is how do I like to be social with people, either people I care about or people I’ve just met… Sharing a drink, sharing a meal, sharing some trouble if it’s goin’ that way. And if things go super well, share a bed.”

He offer a wry little smile.

Rules: bold what applies / italic what might apply / cross out what isn’t possible