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Can't dream since college started? Your roommate is actually a witch doctor sucking your dreams out. The only way to get your dreams back is by also becoming a witch doctor. A more powerful witch doctor. It will take 6 months, and approximately 5.8 chickens. Start now kiddos.

Can't sleep? Your roommate’s arms are filled with NyQuil. Suck on them and let hours of peaceful rest wash over you. Make sure to break skin.

Are the neighbors being too loud? Blasting music? Noisy sex? Feel free to enter their room without knocking and pee on the floor to establish dominance. Bonus: if they're having sex, feel free to join in. You're the alpha now.

Is your college mattress uncomfortable? Don’t fret! Most RAs have been trained to act as a human mattress pads for restless students. Don’t be shy - just ask!

Roommate taking too long in the shower? Step inside, turn the water off, and spit on them to establish dominance!

Don’t have enough time to cook in the mornings? Soak your toothbrush in pasta sauce overnight so your morning dental routine doubles as a healthy meal!

Want to make pasta without a stove? Easy! Cook it in the washing machine!