light of the world, hold me

the last couple of months have been so intense. so much going on and happening and changing and losses and the weight of it all is hitting me so hard this week. feeling overwhelmed and idk how to find acceptance and move through it

i want to text him and tell him that i miss him sooo badly but i’m scared . i already tried to reach out a week ago and it’s been dead silent and i see him at work all the time and it’s like i don’t even exist

each week of january felt like a completely different month i swear to god. when i think back to what was happening a month ago in my life (mostly big emphasis on the relationship) to what has happened in between to now…… i swear it had to have been 4 months. so many changes and shifts and different energies and expressions and sooo many layers and the list goes on and on…. the most energetically insane time period . how the fuck was that a mere 31 days

i’m sooo sad guys. i miss him so much. i go into work and i see him all day long driving by on his PIT and he’s so good at completely avoiding me, it’s like im not there, it’s like i don’t even exist. it’s like he never knew me at all and we didn’t share everything that we did, like it was all a fucking dream i made up. that feeling punches me in the gut every time and is agonizing for me . this hurts so much every time i have to see him and the way his expression is so hard and cold now. the way there used to be a warmth and a light in his eyes for me, a softness. we made eye contact for a couple of seconds and it was so heartbreaking the way that dark, cold and stern expression glared at me….. the shock of it has passed and the delusion of hoping he’d say something to me has passed and now i feel like im just sinking and this huge despairing grief is settled in. this was so sudden. the connection was so profound for us both. we were so close to accomplishing many things.. my days are so quiet now, in the worst ways, so lonely .

i don’t want to let him go but this is doing both of us a disservice at this point . and i don’t know how to repair and amend from here. i think this is the end for real guys