just a girl

I am floating in a stasis without gravity, but I know, in a way, where I think I'm floating on to.

I am all at once feeling so much pain and happiness.

But I'm unsure of the authenticity of that happiness. I know my heart has been cracked wide open, and has been for the last 7 months or so. This grief feels suffocating but I know I need to feel it. Sometimes though, I'm unsure how I'll ever recover fully. I'm unsure if I will ever stop feeling this sadness.

I realized that I allowed myself to believe in hope to the point of detriment. I realized I

was lying to myself. It's not to say it was all bad but it was not good either. I realized I was with the shadow of my fathers in more ways than one and I wanted to believe so much that it wasn't so.

So my heart has been in a perpetual state of harm. For a long, long time.

Now however, I've been gifted with something so unexpected and soft and raw. Something that feels real to me. Something gentle, patient, simple and intense. I'm unsure of my own heart's cartography now. I am learning as I go, and here goes this gift, who doesn't for a second shy away or punish me for all of these edges.

I feel exposed and I am afraid. For all of this fear, I dare let hope in. My hands shake and I feel like I'm going to throw up all of my words and my feelings at the thought that maybe, just maybe, this unspoken wish of mine may be answered. I have no choice but to trust.

Those hazel eyes peer into these depths of my despair and shines a light in. It IS an aid, and it HAS been a balm, but there is no sedative in sight here. I prayed for healing and it all just hurts so much. But I've never been handled with such gentle hands that I flinch anyway.

The reality of this experience hurts me, because it only reveals to me more just how mishandled I've been. Just how in pain, just how exposed and unprotected I was.

I saw these birds flying around as a group and it was so...awe inspiring to me? Winter is so rough. I wish things were more gentle because it really should be. The cusp of Spring brings this feeling of desperation, and a teetering between hopeless and hopeful, and I'm so, so ready for the Spring. These birds reminded me it's just right around the corner, that brighter days are ahead and things won't feel so...bleak for long.

This week, I want to be soft with me and listen to what I need and set the tone for the way I want my Spring time to be, at the very least with myself. When it's quiet, and it's just me, alone (as I am right now) I want to feel comfort in knowing everything will be alright. Get out of my head and into my body. Into the present moment.