god wont let me die

Stoner milfs are unionizing

One time I was cooking with a girl and we were both bilingual but we didn’t have a language in common so we were just sitting by the fire doing prep work quietly and I was peeling little garlic cloves to mince and she put her hand on my arm to stop me and demonstrated how you’re supposed to press on the clove with the flat side of your knife to break the shell off all at once to peel it and I was like oh! And I imitated her and she nodded in approval and we went back to quietly peeling and mincing the garlic and I don’t want to be hyperbolic but in that moment I was like wow I truly understand the universal thread of human love and connection inherent in our souls or whatever

this is growing up. you get numbed to the things you used to hold dearly. you let go of the people you used to hug tightly. the voids in your heart are created by every new experience and every new person. you only want more. 

Me: Man I wish you could massage my prostate :/ Monkey paw deep within my ass: (curls finger)

i took actual IRL damage from reading this post

While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a clapping, As of ass cheeks gently clapping, clapping at my chamber door.

“tis a visitor,” i muttered, “dummy thicc, and nothing more”

god created chimpanzees much in the same way people make those robots that are supposed to make sandwiches but just punch a hole in the table